This year for Thanksgiving, I’ll probably bring what I brought last year… shame upon the family.

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For someone with a dry phone, I’m on it way too much.

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When you’re a parent, your skincare routine is just the steam from the dishwasher when you open it to find the coffee cup you just needed.

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Don’t be ashamed to fart while you urinate, cause there is no rain without thunder.

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At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

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I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

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The actors who signed on to that first Avatar movie have job security like no other in Hollywood.

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I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

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My children are very helpful. For example, when I ask them to do something, they suggest a different child that could do it instead.

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Those security guards at the Samsung store are Guardians of the Galaxy.

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Trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. I would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.