This year for Thanksgiving, I’ll probably bring what I brought last year… shame upon the family.

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Job applications be like “how did you hear about us?”. Bro why, was it a secret?

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Welcome to adulthood: you’re not exhausted, you’re just awake. Have a nice day.

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Halloween is cool, but nothing is spookier than my previous choices in men.

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A bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

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Rule #1 for family reunions: Always bring your own car so you can take off whenever you want.

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I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

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So far, no one has seriously tried to bribe me, which is a shame because I am extremely corrupt. Maybe I need a position with more power.

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Nothing is smaller than the X on ads to click them away.

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Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him.

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When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.