Women are able to leave the country unexpectedly at any time with the contents of their handbag.

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My boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner, “sometime,” so now we have to move.

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Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

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I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about far too many people.

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Horoscope: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

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Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

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Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

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Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss, you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

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I would do absolutely anything for my friends, except answer their text messages.

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At my age, “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what you came in there for.