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3 months ago
Share →: Muting morons is good for your health.

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"Silencing the nonsense to keep the sanity ✌️😜 Remember, a mute button a day keeps the headaches away! 🤫🧠 #MuteTheMorons"

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Someone from 🇵🇰 has viewed:

The concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. Here’s our little murder doodler.

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I want my name to come up when you go to confession.

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My boss told me “It’s not rocket science.” Yeah, almost everything that exists is not rocket science.

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Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

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You are the Monday of my life.

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In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

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I have many talents, all equally un-monetizable.

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Karma not moving fast enough for me. I would hate to handle it myself, Lord.

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Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped.

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I drink my coffee black because I like to save my calories for alcohol.

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Trending via YouTube:

A recent study showed that people who are reading this text thought they were learning something useful.

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One day you’ll find someone who’s obsessed with you. It’ll probably be a demon but that’s what it is.

Trending via TikTok:

People always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. Whenever I do that, my Uber driver yells at me.

Just shared via Slack:

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems.

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

Walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere: “Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft!”

Going viral on LinkedIn:

I’m thinking of maybe killing off a few characters in the book I’m writing. That will really spice up my autobiography.

Just landed via X:

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny posts before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

Spotted on LinkedIn:

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

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To cut the long story short, I have spent all my money.

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

Why do I gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship.

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Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

If you like water, you already like 72% of me.

The only difference between hungry and horny is where you insert the cucumber.

I’m a simple person. All I need in life to be happy is to have everything go my way and work out how I want it to.

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions, doesn’t mean the road is paved.

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I hope the coffee hits harder than reality does.

Ohhh, I just realised you can change your facial expression. I was just doing the one.

My computer: Consider changing your password. Me: Consider fighting me in the streets.

Get off the internet and go sniff a flower.

Sometimes being on your phone all day is your destiny.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

I didn’t lose an hour of sleep. The hour of sleep lost me.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency notify”, I put “Doctor.”

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

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