Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help some Hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something. Posted onMay 22, 2026
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos. Posted onMay 22, 2026
Basketball’s all like “gimme that pumpkin, I need it” and golf is all like “***k this egg, imma hit it into the sun” Posted onMay 22, 2026
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too. Posted onMay 22, 2026
If you ever see me running, it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van. Posted onMay 22, 2026
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context. Posted onMay 22, 2026
75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.” Posted onMay 22, 2026
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are. You can’t have both. Posted onMay 22, 2026
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time. Posted onMay 22, 2026
People who take naps are the real heroes. It takes courage to wake up twice in one day. Posted onMay 22, 2026
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor. Posted onMay 22, 2026
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people? Posted onMay 22, 2026
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot. Posted onMay 22, 2026
I haven’t been with anyone in 3 years. I feel sorry for my next boyfriend. He might not make it through the day. Posted onMay 22, 2026
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do. Posted onMay 22, 2026
The secret to my success is everywhere I go I wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back. Posted onMay 22, 2026
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.” Posted onMay 22, 2026
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee. Posted onMay 22, 2026
I always preferred the English spelling of “diarrhea” which is “diarrhoea” because it really looks like you’ve lost control of your vowels. Posted onMay 22, 2026
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together. What could you possibly be plotting? You can’t even get out of the open window. Posted onMay 22, 2026
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with fake tan. Posted onMay 22, 2026
Watching “Dirty Dancing” as a teenager: Damn right, no one puts Baby in a corner. Watching “Dirty Dancing” as an adult: This girl is a brat and needs a lesson. Posted onMay 22, 2026
I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don’t want to see you every day. Posted onMay 22, 2026
Going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh, this is how you’re living?!” Posted onMay 22, 2026
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor. Posted onMay 22, 2026
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas. Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs. Posted onMay 22, 2026
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone. Never! Posted onMay 22, 2026
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter. Posted onMay 22, 2026