The world doesn’t revolve around you because it revolves around me, lol. Be safe, though. Posted onJul 1, 2026Jul 1, 2026
When I say I feel like Barbie, I mean my hip is making a clicking sound. Posted onJul 1, 2026Jul 1, 2026
Of course I believe pushing the elevator call button over and over will make it come faster. Posted onJul 1, 2026Jul 1, 2026
Concerts will have you staring at the taller person in front of you, wondering why they were born. Posted onJul 1, 2026Jul 1, 2026
I’m a simple man. If you make me watch extra time, you owe me a penalty shoot-out. Posted onJul 1, 2026Jul 1, 2026
Hey babe, do you wanna cuddle and regulate cortisol levels together? Posted onJun 30, 2026Jun 30, 2026
Pretending you didn’t see something so the other person doesn’t feel uncomfortable is a level of empathy not everyone will understand. Posted onJun 30, 2026Jun 30, 2026
Newish parents: teaching your toddler to say “behold” instead of “look” unlocks a whole new level of hilarity. Posted onJun 30, 2026Jun 30, 2026
Every day is literally just me distracting myself until the next day. Posted onJun 30, 2026Jun 30, 2026
Everything used to be 20 dollars, and now that I finally have 20 dollars, everything is now 200 dollars. Posted onJun 30, 2026Jun 30, 2026
When you’re in the movie theater, people start inventing new ways to cough. Posted onJun 30, 2026Jun 30, 2026
Saying “No thanks, I’m trying to quit” whenever I’m offered anything. Posted onJun 30, 2026Jun 30, 2026
Being able to tolerate the sound of your own voice in a video is probably the highest form of self-acceptance. Posted onJun 30, 2026Jun 30, 2026
Having an intrusive thought and shaking my head to show the mind readers I don’t approve. Posted onJun 30, 2026Jun 30, 2026
Kiss her in the middle of an argument. Girls love that. They think they’re in a Korean drama. Posted onJun 29, 2026Jun 29, 2026
One of my friends bought a pair of Meta glasses, so the whole friend group started referring to him as “the pervert,” until he got rid of them. Posted onJun 29, 2026Jun 29, 2026
Scrolling through Netflix feels like you’re on a parody of a streaming service. Posted onJun 29, 2026Jun 29, 2026
Met a guy recently named Jonathan who goes by Nathan. I didn’t even know you could do that. Posted onJun 29, 2026Jun 29, 2026
Sometimes you’re eating a salad, and it feels like it’s never going to end. Posted onJun 29, 2026Jun 29, 2026
There is someone sleeping under me on the other side of the earth. They are tossing and turning, and I find it very disruptive, like a pea under many mattresses. Posted onJun 29, 2026Jun 29, 2026
They should make a grocery store exclusively for people with spatial awareness. Posted onJun 29, 2026Jun 29, 2026
True friendship is allowing a certain level of ghosting to go unmentioned. Posted onJun 29, 2026Jun 29, 2026
Constantly saying “long story short” with absolutely no intention of shortening the story, whatsoever. Posted onJun 29, 2026Jun 29, 2026
In the next World Cup, 64 national teams will participate, and Argentina will play against the Vatican, Disneyland, and Narnia. Posted onJun 29, 2026Jun 29, 2026
Capri Sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies. Posted onJun 19, 2026Jun 19, 2026
Drake makes music for people that sigh until you ask them what’s wrong. Posted onJun 2, 2026Jun 2, 2026
At the strip club, sighing loudly until the stripper asks what’s wrong. Posted onJun 2, 2026Jun 2, 2026