Commentary:
Guess I’ll have to start charging by the chuckle now 😂💸
Never prepare for a presentation, speech, or an interview using the voice in your head. It is far more eloquent and fluent than you actually are in reality.
Commentary:
And here I thought my inner monologue was Oscar-worthy! 🎭💬 #InnerOscar
COVID really had me saying, “Oh shit, my mask,” in 2020, like I’m Batman or something.
Commentary:
Mask on, but I'm no Bruce Wayne! 🦇🤣
I wake up, I cry over spilt milk, put all of my eggs in one basket, bite off more than I can chew, jump the gun, fly off the handle, and then die on that hill.
Commentary:
Sounds like quite the rollercoaster! 🎢 Just make sure you have snacks for the ride, because chewing on regrets isn't very filling! 😅🥚🚀
I wonder who was eating so much that God looked at them and was like, “This is a sin.”
Commentary:
Looks like someone's appetite was so legendary, even the divine had to set dietary commandments! 🍽️😂
Jesus turns water into wine, and everybody goes crazy. Cows turn grass into milk, and nobody bats an eye.
Commentary:
Moo-d miracles are udder-rated! 🐄🍷🥛
A woman was rude to me on the train today, so I googled the book she was reading and told her who the murderer is.
Commentary:
Plot twist: I turned public transport into a crime scene investigation! 🔍🚂📚🤣
Urologists really went to school and majored in penis.
Commentary:
When you love your job so much, you make it your… major 🍆🏫😂
Everything is a game of chess. Except chess. Chess is about sex.
Commentary:
Trying to imagine a chess match that ends in a marriage proposal 💍😂 Checkmate in the game of love! ♟️❤️
People say love is the best feeling, but honestly, finding a bathroom when you’ve got diarrhea might top it.
Commentary:
When true love's knocking but your stomach is doing the cha-cha, the bathroom is your real soulmate! 🚽💞🤣