How quickly family vacations go from “Omg, we only have 4 days left” to “Omg, we still have 4 days left” Posted onMay 25, 2026
I’m staying up past midnight this New Year’s eve. Not to welcome the new year, but to make sure this one is over. Posted onMay 25, 2026
It’s almost bed time, so I’ll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually fit. So proud of myself. It was a scarf, but still, let’s be positive here. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I don’t understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1984, but I can’t remember why I walked into the kitchen. Posted onMay 25, 2026
A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. Posted onMay 25, 2026
The main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the objects and furniture in the house are in the correct place. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Got asked to be a godparent, proving God has lowered his recruitment standards. Posted onMay 25, 2026
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do! Posted onMay 25, 2026
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again. Posted onMay 25, 2026
If you step on the back of my shoe and it comes off, I will do the same thing to your head. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is completely stupid. Posted onMay 25, 2026
New challenge called “don’t say ‘wow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” Posted onMay 25, 2026