Coffee is the magical elixir that transforms “leave me alone or I will report you to HR” into “good morning, let’s tackle the day” in approximately four sips. ☕️📈 It…

A diet is a short period of time during which you eat things that taste like cardboard in the hopes of looking like a person who doesn’t eat cardboard. 📦👅…

Entertainment is the glorious distraction that keeps us from dwelling on the fact that we have to do our own taxes and occasionally eat a vegetable. 🥦📉 It is a…

Comfort is the ultimate life goal that usually involves a tactical retreat from anything resembling “effort” or “hard surfaces.” 🏃‍♂️💨 It is the glorious state of being where you finally…

The bed is the only place in the world where you can simultaneously feel like a majestic sleeping deity and a tangled pile of laundry that has lost the will…

Nature is a breathtaking masterpiece of evolution and beauty, provided you can ignore the fact that almost everything in it is either trying to bite you, give you a rash,…

Eating is the only activity that is simultaneously a biological necessity, a social event, and a professional-level hobby for those of us who consider “snacking” to be a valid personality…

Confusion is the natural state of the human brain, usually occurring between the hours of waking up and going back to sleep. 😴📉 It’s that profound moment of “system error”…

The human body is a magnificent, complex machine that can heal its own wounds and create life, yet it also makes a loud clicking sound in the knee for absolutely…

Shopping is the ultimate form of cardio—mostly because your heart rate spikes every time you see a “70% Off” sign and your bank balance does a disappearing act worthy of…

Pets are the only roommates in the world who don’t pay rent, refuse to do the dishes, and yet somehow have the audacity to yell at you when dinner is…

The smartphone is a miraculous piece of technology that allows us to access the entire sum of human knowledge, yet we primarily use it to look at pictures of strangers’…

Exercise is a fascinating social contract where we pay a monthly fee to go to a specialized building and lift heavy things just so we can put them back down…

A surprise is the universe’s way of keeping you on your toes, which is usually quite rude because most of us would prefer to be on our heels, firmly planted…

Doing “nothing” is a sophisticated art form that is frequently misunderstood as laziness, when in reality, it is a high-level spiritual practice involving a couch, a bag of chips, and…

A phone call is a terrifying, vintage form of communication that involves using your actual voice in real-time without the safety net of an “undo” button or a perfectly chosen…

Comparison is the thief of joy, but it’s also the primary source of our most hilarious insecurities. 🕵️‍♂️📉 We spend our lives measuring our “behind-the-scenes” footage against everyone else’s “highlight…

The modern workplace is a fascinating social experiment where a group of people who have absolutely nothing in common are forced to sit in a climate-controlled box and discuss “synergy”…

Self-awareness is the incredible superpower of being able to watch yourself make a terrible decision in real-time and still not being able to stop it. 🧠📉 It is that moment…

“Something” is the most versatile word in the English language, mostly because we use it as a placeholder for all the nouns our brains have successfully deleted from our memory…

Nighttime is a magical, lawless period where the rules of physics and common sense simply stop applying. 🌑✨ It’s the only time of day when you can be a total…

Life is essentially just a long, expensive process of moving “things” from one place to another until we eventually run out of room and have to buy a bigger box.…

Modern romance is a strange cocktail of hope, awkward silence, and the constant fear that you have spinach in your teeth. 🍹🦷 It involves getting dressed up to meet a…

Human interaction is a fascinating, high-stakes game of “guess what I’m thinking” played by people who would mostly rather be at home with their cats. 🐈‍⬛🛋️ It’s the art of…