If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating food, not from relationships. Posted onMay 21, 2026
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.” Posted onMay 21, 2026
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs. Posted onMay 21, 2026
I’m going to be real with you. My dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross! Posted onMay 21, 2026
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part. Posted onMay 21, 2026
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended. Posted onMay 21, 2026
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now. Posted onMay 21, 2026
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office. Posted onMay 21, 2026
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” and then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial. Posted onMay 21, 2026
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door and say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?” Posted onMay 21, 2026
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly food. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons. Posted onMay 21, 2026
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats breakfast standing up? Posted onMay 21, 2026
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot. Posted onMay 21, 2026
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up on the couch. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase. Posted onMay 21, 2026
I am a person who wants to get a lot done, trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep in and take naps at times. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Anyone who says there are no stupid questions is welcome to drop by my office. My colleagues will prove you wrong. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Everyone gives pleasure in some way, one when they enter a room, the other when they leave it. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost. Posted onMay 21, 2026