I still can’t believe Aldi sells shopping carts for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up. Posted onMay 23, 2026
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them. Posted onMay 23, 2026
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out. Posted onMay 23, 2026
Hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems. Like, baby, you are supposed to be a mental disorder, please stay in your line. Posted onMay 23, 2026
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”. Posted onMay 23, 2026
Jeez. It’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before. Posted onMay 23, 2026
I love when I get an email from a brand saying “we miss you!” with no coupon attached. Babe, a lot of people miss me, let’s be competitive here. Posted onMay 23, 2026
Hey, I came over because the grass seemed really green here, but now that I’m looking back that grass actually looks crazy green, so I’m gonna go. Posted onMay 23, 2026
A haunted house, but it’s just a room full of people asking you to tell them a fun fact about yourself. Posted onMay 23, 2026
You wear a white shirt and all of a sudden everybody wants to go eat spaghetti. Posted onMay 23, 2026
When I quit my job I’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again” Posted onMay 23, 2026
A lot of y’all don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach. Posted onMay 23, 2026
I always set two alarms, one for “Good Intentions Me” and one for “The Real Me” Posted onMay 23, 2026
Glasses don’t make you look smart, everyone knows you had to fail a test to get them. Posted onMay 23, 2026
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular. Posted onMay 23, 2026
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta. Posted onMay 23, 2026
Bro, you’re not allowed anymore to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife. Posted onMay 23, 2026
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just Catholicism. Posted onMay 23, 2026
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work. Posted onMay 23, 2026
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil idiots doing it instead. Posted onMay 23, 2026
RIP to everyone killed by the Gods for their hubris, but I’m different. And better. Maybe even better than the Gods. Posted onMay 23, 2026
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing” Posted onMay 23, 2026
There’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming an important person at your job. Posted onMay 23, 2026
Currently into monogamous friendships. If you have other friends, please don’t talk to me, it hurts my heart. Posted onMay 23, 2026