I’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns. Posted onMay 21, 2026
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Enemies to lovers is only good if they’re gay. If I wanted to see a man and a woman yell at each other, I’d just go downstairs and eat with my parents. Posted onMay 21, 2026
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once. Posted onMay 21, 2026
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer. Posted onMay 21, 2026
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me. Posted onMay 21, 2026
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did. Posted onMay 21, 2026
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Grandmas be like: Imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings. Posted onMay 21, 2026
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching TV. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time. Posted onMay 21, 2026
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones. Posted onMay 21, 2026
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating. Posted onMay 21, 2026
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation. Posted onMay 21, 2026