(Seeing the guy next to me reading a novel) You know, none of that happened, right? Posted onMay 29, 2026
We’ve historically done extremely well with regime change, so this should be a piece of cake. Posted onMay 29, 2026
The real pandemic was when everyone was reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Every time I use a Windows computer, it’s like they built malware into the OS. Like, what do you mean there are ads in the start menu? Posted onMay 29, 2026
Living alone is so dumb, you’ll be asking your pets if they’ve seen your phone, and those lazy bastards never know. Posted onMay 29, 2026
My New Year’s resolution is to be less presumptuous and rude to others. I’ll bet yours is to lose weight, isn’t it? Posted onMay 29, 2026
I don’t understand why banks get so mad when you can’t pay back your loan. You already knew I had no money when I came to borrow it. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Over Christmas, some bastard has snuck into my house, gone into my wardrobe, stolen my work trousers, and replaced them with a smaller pair. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I can’t be the only one who screenshots confirmations, even though you’ll get an email and text. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Some days I feel I’m on top of the world, and other days it feels like the world is on top of me. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Unfortunately, I do love being the only person who knows exactly what I mean and the hidden meaning behind everything I do. Posted onMay 29, 2026
In marriage, whoever has the cooler last name gets to continue their legacy. Reject tradition. Posted onMay 29, 2026
How do couples who live together get anything done? I wouldn’t leave my bed if my girlfriend was in it. Posted onMay 29, 2026
People will scroll on their phones for 6 hours a day and wonder how other people can watch a movie every day. Posted onMay 29, 2026
If I were a higher power, and people were doing evil in my name, I’d probably stop it … but that’s just me. Posted onMay 29, 2026
It really cannot be overstated how many of your problems disappear once you have a beautiful woman who is in love with you. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Donnie Darko was also ahead of its time because the guy’s haunted by a giant Labubu. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Lord, take away my suffering and give it to anyone who’s ever said, ‘Hey, Grok.’ Posted onMay 29, 2026
Sometimes life is “Eat, pray, love,” and sometimes it’s “Scroll, snack, overthink.” Posted onMay 29, 2026
You ever cleaned a room in your house so good that you walked out… just to walk back in to see your work? Posted onMay 29, 2026
Unpopular opinion: Landlords should not be able to increase rent unless they’re upgrading the apartment. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Did you know? By replacing your coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 92% of what little joy you still have left in your life. Posted onMay 29, 2026