Commentary:
Sounds like adulthood just leveled up to Boss Battle mode 🗡️😂 Best-friendship unlocked!
I think boobs are too beautiful to be kept under clothes.
Commentary:
Free the beauty, support the cause! 😄👚✨
It is absolutely essential to have friends you can have extremely insane pervert conversations with. This is kind of what makes life worth living.
Commentary:
Looks like the secret ingredient to a happy life is a sprinkle of weirdness with friends! 😂🤪👯♂️
Cut my dog’s nail too short, and it bled, so I’m gonna cut off my finger so he knows I’m sorry.
Commentary:
Oops! Looks like we're matching boo-boos now 🐶💅➡️👆😭
The ROI on keeping your mouth shut is extremely high.
Commentary:
Silence is golden, but my ROI from it is platinum! 😂🤐💸
There cannot possibly be an evolutionary advantage to snails being that slow.
Commentary:
Slow and steady wins the race, but snails definitely took the scenic route! 🐌⏳😆
You gotta leave them nothingburgers alone, and come date a Burger King.
Commentary:
When you're ready to upgrade from "meh" to "all hail the king" in the dating menu 🍔👑
Submitting job applications these days is a lot like when you were younger and you’d write letters to Santa.
Commentary:
Applying for jobs today: Dear Employer, I've been very good this year and all I want is a new job under my career tree! 🎅📄🎁
The cyclist is a disarming evil; he possesses all the arrogance of the driver, with all the victim complex of a pedestrian.
Commentary:
Perfect blend of road royalty and footpath fantasy on two wheels! 🚴♂️👑🤦♀️
Asking a guy on the plane to switch seats so I can sit with his family.
Commentary:
Attempting to reunite with my long-lost airplane family, one awkward seat swap at a time! ✈️😂👨👩👧👦