Crafting the perfect stand-up routine can feel like an uphill battle, but having a stash of humorous messages in your back pocket can make the process a lot easier! π€£ Whether you’re getting ready for an open mic or just want to make your friends laugh, these 40 funny messages are a perfect start.
1. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. π€¨
2. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already! π₯
3. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. π¦©
4. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts. π¦΄
5. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way. π
6. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! βοΈ
7. The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense. πΊ
8. I’d tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction. π§ͺ
9. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down! π
10. I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful. π
11. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines. ποΈ
12. Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems. π
13. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. πΉ
14. NASA is looking into the loss of their space probe. I blame the vacuum of space. π
15. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough. π
16. What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta! π
17. I told my computer I needed a break, and it gave me a kit-kat. π»
18. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! π₯
19. My friend said to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No, it doesn’t!” π
20. Did you hear about the guy walking upright? Apparently, he just evolved that way. π
21. I’m terrible at math, but I hear there are some problems that need solving. π’
22. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved. π
23. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together! π§
24. I have a pet tree. Itβs kind of like having a pet rock, except this one is just more wooden. π³
25. I used to hunt wild boars, but my life was lacking a little ham-ony. π
26. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers! π€«
27. Coffee is the silent victim here: mugged every morning. βοΈ
28. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose! π
29. I have a pencil that was chewed up. Got it from a “rip-off” sale. βοΈ
30. How did the barber win the race? He knew all the short cuts. π
31. Never trust stairsβthey’re always up to something. πͺ
32. I started a business breeding chickens. Large market for tiny glasses. π
33. My watch keeps me in time, but it doesnβt motivate me. β°
34. My calendar is my best friend; we go way back. π
35. People say I act like I donβt care, but inside I care even less. π
36. What’s brown and sticky? A stick! π²
37. I told my phone it was great, and now it’s full of its own battery. π±
38. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. π₯
39. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space. π
40. My socks got angry and leftβnow I’ve got a pair ‘o’ noia. π§¦
Practice makes perfect, so take these humorous gems and hone your craft on the comedy stage or in social settings. Remember, laughter is the best medicine, and with these jokes, you’ll be the best doctor in town! π