My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner. Posted on6 days ago6 days ago
When someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well, maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase. Posted on3 days ago3 days ago
The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse. Posted on2 weeks ago
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift. Posted on1 day ago1 day ago
Every morning when that damn alarm clock goes off, I just feel it so much: A million-dollar inheritance suits me much better than an office job. Posted on1 week ago1 week ago
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. Posted on1 week ago1 week ago
I will never understand why our washing machines feel the need to lie about how much time is left. If you need more time, just let me know, that’s fine. Posted on4 days ago4 days ago
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency! Posted on4 days ago4 days ago
I made coffee and carried it to the couch. I’ve done everything I had planned for this Sunday. Posted on1 week ago1 week ago
Hello, I’m looking for the people who said “I’ll always be there for you”. Has anyone seen them? Posted on1 week ago1 week ago
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school, let’s keep it that way. Posted on3 hours ago3 hours ago
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon. Posted on1 week ago1 week ago
Everyone has these three colleagues: The one who is always cold. The one who is always hungry. The one who is always tired. I am everything in one. Posted on6 days ago6 days ago
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job. Posted on5 days ago5 days ago
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away? Posted on6 days ago6 days ago
If a beer is 8 bucks, it’s a show. If a beer is 14 bucks, it’s a concert. Posted on1 week ago1 week ago
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days. Posted on2 weeks ago2 weeks ago
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble. Posted on2 weeks ago2 weeks ago
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago. Posted on2 weeks ago
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular. Posted on5 hours ago5 hours ago
Not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after I planted the seeds in the first place. Posted on7 days ago7 days ago
Nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping. Posted on3 days ago3 days ago
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode? Posted on2 weeks ago2 weeks ago