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I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

Starting my period on election day because I’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country.

Babe, wake up, it’s stupid outside!

Elections is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

Elections make you feel like we’re all in divorce court waiting to see who gets custody of us.

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here.

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

It’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle.

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

Why is the Formula 1 so afraid of rain? Just drive with more caution. That’s what I always do when it rains.

Netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language”. Bro, translate it!

But that was my emotional support daylight.

Hey boy, are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 10 minutes last.

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched a surgery.

Beavers are also just otters that have learned carpentry.

People who often talk to themselves are more intelligent than others. At least that’s what I tell myself.