Opening up to a woman is like talking to the police, anything you say can and will be used against you. Posted on14 hours ago14 hours ago
Satan: “Would you please stop sacrificing animals to me. I’m not running a zoo down here.” Posted on14 hours ago14 hours ago
Yes, my sex drive is higher than my will to live, and what about it? Posted on14 hours ago14 hours ago
Have you ever met someone and thought that you couldn’t wait to spend the rest of your life without them? Posted on14 hours ago14 hours ago
White, black, yellow, brown, Democrat, Republican, man, woman, straight, gay, transgender, Jew, Christian, Muslim, young and old — you will all taste the same to the zombies. Posted on14 hours ago14 hours ago
One of my greatest strengths is appearing busy so people don’t try to speak to me. Posted on14 hours ago14 hours ago
I think during winter we should also get to work less hours in a day, just like the sun. Posted on14 hours ago14 hours ago
If you wake up early enough, you can go back to sleep for a few hours. Not everyone knows this. Posted on14 hours ago14 hours ago
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” and maintain eye contact. Posted on18 hours ago18 hours ago
Is it healthier to drink tap water and let the fluoride calcify my pineal gland or drink bottled spring water and let micro plastics settle in my balls? Posted on18 hours ago18 hours ago
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats. Posted on20 hours ago20 hours ago
My boyfriend is mad at me because I keep replying with a fire extinguisher emoji to every girl that comments with a flame emoji on his pictures. Posted on20 hours ago20 hours ago
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay. Posted on20 hours ago20 hours ago
At the art museum walking slower and observing more than anyone else. Posted on20 hours ago20 hours ago
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”. Posted on20 hours ago20 hours ago
Having a cat is like having a roommate that doesn’t want to hang out and never intends on being friends. Posted on20 hours ago20 hours ago
What must a pancake think when it’s being flipped? Doubtless something jolly. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago