It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I ever.

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment.

My hair would never allow me to commit a crime. I really do leave my DNA everywhere.

Life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge.

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

Pro Tip: Never make snow angels in a dog park.

I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.

“Bye, have a great day, I’ll see you after school”, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example, I learned I should have married someone else.

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you’re getting a dictionary.

I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.