I don’t get involved in anyone’s business, let alone their drama. You should try it. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Optimist: The glass is ½ full. Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty. Excel: The glass is January 2nd. Posted onMay 22, 2026
I was explaining to my Ukrainian colleague the phrase ‘There’s no such thing as a free lunch’. She told me the equivalent in Ukrainian is ‘The only free cheese is in the mousetrap’ — which is so much better. Posted onMay 30, 2026
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Accidentally made eye contact with the sweets at the grocery store and now have to declare bankruptcy. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Two of the best things in life are laughing and orgasms. I want to make you do both a lot. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. You can do that on your own. Posted onMay 20, 2026
“Home Alone” is a holiday reminder that peace begins the moment everyone leaves the house. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself. People online: Hold my beer. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Learn from the mistakes of others, you can never live long enough to make them all yourself. Posted onMay 20, 2026
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over. Posted onMay 21, 2026
“Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.” -Me, having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse. Posted onMay 22, 2026
After ejaculation, men automatically realize that everything is vanity upon vanity. Posted onMay 19, 2026
All of my fitness goals are within reach, but unfortunately, so are the crisps. Posted onMay 30, 2026
“I’m not concerned about Netflix buying Warner Brothers. None of this will matter once we evolve gills and start living underwater.” Posted onMay 29, 2026
I feel so bad when I overtake an old person on the sidewalk. Like, man, I really didn’t mean to flex on you with my youthful stride. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Can’t wait to overuse the “My husband said,” “Let me phone my husband,” “I’ll ask my husband.” Posted onMay 29, 2026
So, does anyone know how to end mass religious psychosis, or is it just a thing now until we slowly die off from climate-induced disasters? Posted onMay 19, 2026
Your girlfriend needs two hours to get ready. But if you don’t have your shoes on when she’s ready, you’re the problem. Posted onMay 21, 2026
Why is experimental noise music always scary metallic noises and never fun sounds like people clapping and laughing and like bubbles and stuff? Posted onMay 19, 2026