I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there. Posted on2 days ago
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs. Posted on7 days ago7 days ago
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home. Posted on3 days ago3 days ago
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers. Posted on1 week ago1 week ago
They need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis. Posted on2 weeks ago2 weeks ago
The more stupid the views, the harder it is to talk people out of them. Posted on12 hours ago12 hours ago
Nobody’s more stubborn than an Android person that won’t switch to iPhone. Posted on2 weeks ago2 weeks ago
Hi, I’m making some changes in my life. If you don’t hear from me, you are one of them. Posted on1 week ago1 week ago
Problems are like balls. Everyone thinks they have bigger ones than you. Posted on1 week ago1 week ago
If I was a priest, I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around. Posted on4 days ago4 days ago
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you. Posted on2 months ago2 months ago
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future. Posted on2 months ago2 months ago
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there. Posted on1 month ago1 month ago
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else. Posted on2 weeks ago2 weeks ago
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender. Posted on2 weeks ago2 weeks ago
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor. Posted on4 days ago4 days ago
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch. Posted on2 weeks ago2 weeks ago
My ideal vacation would be to drop my family off at the airport and then have a week of peace and quiet. Posted on6 days ago
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet. Posted on1 week ago1 week ago
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating. Posted on1 day ago1 day ago
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots. Posted on3 days ago3 days ago
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it. Posted on1 week ago1 week ago
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having, I’m hear to ‘like’ them. Posted on2 weeks ago
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married. Posted on2 weeks ago2 weeks ago
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one. There’s no in-between. Posted on1 week ago1 week ago
Hey! Sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave. Posted on2 weeks ago2 weeks ago
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away. Posted on2 weeks ago2 weeks ago
I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to get home from work tomorrow. Posted on2 weeks ago2 weeks ago
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness. Posted on6 days ago6 days ago