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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇧🇾 has viewed:

It’s actually quite simple: I don’t want to eat less, I just want to weigh less.

Someone from 🇨🇺 has shared:

You can mess up big time letting someone know you have a printer.

Someone from 🇵🇪 has bookmarked:

Nosferatu 2024, Frankenstein 2025, and Werwulf 2026. I was born at exactly the right time.

Someone from 🇵🇱 has viewed:

Saw a big spider crawl into my closet last night. He’s probably in there trying on all my clothes, acting like he’s me.

Someone from 🇧🇮 has viewed:

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian.

Someone from 🇨🇴 has viewed:

I hate being a wage slave. I want to be a streamer that does nothing but react to videos all day, and then complain about how hard my life is.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has downloaded:

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.

Someone from 🇳🇪 has bookmarked:

When I was a child, my social network was called ‘outside’.

Someone from 🇵🇾 has viewed:

There’s no reason to be bored flying on an airplane. Use the time to tell the person next to you your entire life story.

Someone from 🇺🇿 has bookmarked:

Don’t invite me if there’s nowhere to sit down.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Feb 3, 2026

3,554

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Snapchat:

Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?

Just shared via Slack:

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!” Oh, it’s ok, you can just kill me next time.

Breaking via Snapchat:

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only way out is to turn away in disgust and mutter loudly, “Who raised you?”

Making waves on Instagram:

The problem with dating apps is I don’t wanna date someone that would use a dating app.

Trending via LinkedIn:

I end all my sentences with “Just saying..” because ending them with “You bonehead..” would probably be considered offensive.

Trending via Reddit:

The best thing about driving in the snow is staying home.

Trending via Snapchat:

You’re acting up? Right before Santa Claus comes to town? Unbelievable.

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

Intelligence is now free, and the golden age of the nerd is over.

Just shared via TikTok:

For Halloween, you should be mine.

Funny astronaut quotes

Funny astronaut quotes 🚀👩‍🚀 bring a cosmic twist to everyday humor, blasting off boredom and landing laughs right out of this world! Whether you’re a space geek or just love a good chuckle 🌌😂, these witty words from those who’ve floated among the stars will have you grinning faster than a rocket launch. Ready to orbit some clever comedy? Let’s explore the lighter side of life in zero gravity! 🌟✨

New funny astronaut quotes 👇

I’m an adult in the same way that Katy Perry is an astronaut.

1 day ago

adult, astronaut, celebrity, comparison, humor, identity, katy, Katy Perry, perry, same, space
I don’t think astronauts should be allowed to come back. You made your choice.

4 days ago

allowed, astronaut, back, choice, decision, humor, i, return, should, space, think
Those astronauts that just landed? They should be greeted by chimpanzees on horses.

4 days ago

absurdity, astronaut, chimpanzee, greet, horse, horses, just, landing, should, space

All funny astronaut quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Funny Quotes Collections

✨ New Funny Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

86 shares on TikTok this month:

The greatest trick ever was making people feel more connected, when they are actually more alone than ever.

32 shares on Discord this month:

Out of sheer boredom, I opened the front door and rang the doorbell. I was so happy.

87 shares on Threads this month:

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s like 7 years in a row now.

50 shares on Messenger this month:

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

51 shares on Discord this month:

I don’t even know what I’d do if a sailor called me a landlubber. I’d probably lose my cool.

96 shares on Instagram this month:

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

53 shares on Facebook this month:

My front facing camera got me looking like a failed science project.

19 shares on Threads this month:

Is everything expensive or am I just poor?

66 shares on Slack this month:

Salary week, but salary weak.

18 shares on TikTok this month:

“Alcohol and beautiful women” is apparently not an appropriate answer when you are asked about your weaknesses in a job interview.

Trending Topics 📁

Hot Jokes 💥

22 folks are currently checking 👀

The ability to adjust your vocabulary based on who you’re speaking to is a valuable life skill that many people lack.

21 folks are currently checking 👀

I have been touched inappropriately by the sun today.

17 folks are currently checking 👀

My friends put their kid to bed and then made us ice cream sundaes, which is exactly what I assumed was happening when my parents put me to bed.

10 folks are currently checking 👀

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

23 folks are currently checking 👀

Who you are when someone reaches over to take food from your plate… is the real you.

15 folks are currently checking 👀

Just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake.

12 folks are currently checking 👀

While you were rotting and wasting your life away, I was doing the exact same thing.

5 folks are currently checking 👀

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

12 folks are currently checking 👀

Have your guardian angel call my guardian angel.

21 folks are currently checking 👀

Sorry I can’t come today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandpa’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and it was tragic.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,496

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇻 has downloaded:

I followed my heart. It led me to the fridge.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has downloaded:

The best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello, please fill out these forms!”

Someone from 🇫🇯 has shared:

I like my music at a volume where I can’t hear you.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has shared:

What if the universe wasn’t infinite or finite, but a secret third thing?

Someone from 🇳🇴 has copied:

We just accepted air fryers and never once questioned how air fries things.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has copied:

You ever wake up from your dreams impressed? Like, damn, that narrative structure was phenomenal.

Someone from 🇬🇧 has copied:

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

Someone from 🇰🇼 has copied:

Does no one disappear in the Bermuda Triangle anymore, or is there just too much other news?

Someone from 🇵🇱 has shared:

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve.

Someone from 🇦🇷 has downloaded:

He likes when I shakalaka, so, woop, there it is.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

Relationships are only serious when photos are posted by a man.

Shared recently on Instagram:

Descibe your boobs only using a picture of them.

Spotted on Telegram:

If Liverpool play Real Madrid right now, both teams will lose the game.

Just landed via Slack:

Jesus spent his time among the mentally ill, the poor and unemployed, the prostitutes. So, in a way, by being on Twitter, we’re like Jesus.

Making waves on Instagram:

The problem with leading by example is that no one pays attention.

Breaking via TikTok:

Have been dipping my toe into doing Pilates, and let me tell you, women are real sickos.

Breaking via WhatsApp:

I only accept apologies in cash.

Breaking via YouTube:

Sometimes you just need a Saturday to sleep all day and do absolutely nothing.

Spreading quickly via WhatsApp:

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

Just landed via WeChat:

I met a microbiologist today. He was a lot bigger than I expected.

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