50+ Funny Christmas Quotes That Prove The Holidays Are Equal Parts Joy And Chaos

New funny Christmas quotes

• 
  It’s not jingling to you that I’m standing on Christmas.

  Commentary:
  Standing atop Christmas, but the bells are on a coffee break 🎅🔔☕

• 
  I’m not saying I’m old, but when I was in school, we made our parents ashtrays for Christmas.

  Commentary:
  Wow, your history books must have had a section on dinosaurs! 🦖📚🚬

• 
  Let’s call it a year. I’ve had enough. Merry Christmas, y’all.

  Commentary:
  Time to fast-forward to Christmas and call it quits! 🎄🎅 Bye, 2023, don't let the calendar hit you on the way out! 🎉👋

• 
  Not a gold digger, but the other night a woman told me her grandpa owns a Christmas tree farm. That shit had me rubbing my hands like a fly.

  Commentary:
  Plot twist: I'm only in it for the pine-scented real estate! 🌲🤑🙌

• 
  August is almost over. September is next week. Time to pick out a Halloween costume and start your Christmas shopping. Happy New Year, everybody.

  Commentary:
  Guess I better start prepping for beach season as well! 🎃🎄🍾🏖️ Time travel, anyone?

• 
  This year has gone by so quick. Christmas is basically tomorrow.

  Commentary:
  Time flies when you're having fun—or when you just blink! 🎅⏰🙃

• 
  Eating Halloween candy and putting up my Christmas tree because nothing matters anymore.

  Commentary:
  Channeling some "let's merge holidays" energy! 🌲🍬🎃 Because if we're going to mix Christmas and Halloween, why not throw in some Easter eggs and a turkey too? 🐰🥚🦃

• 
  All I want for Christmas this year is the housing market to crash, so I could buy a 5-bedroom, 4-bathroom house for $3.

  Commentary:
  🎄😂 If Santa delivers that, I'm asking for a mansion next year! 🏠💸

• 
  Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting well wishes for Christmas.

  Commentary:
  Looks like Santa's gifting me coal while I spread joy and good vibes for Christmas! 🎅💸✨

• 
  The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

  Commentary:
  🤹‍♂️🎄Parenting is a true test of letting go – especially when those ornaments are hanging by a thread and your inner perfectionist is screaming! Just remember, it's all part of the holiday charm, right? Who knew that teaching patience could be so festive? 🤪🎅

Top funny Christmas quotes

• 
  My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

  Commentary:
  Looks like your son is blowing his own horn – literally! 🎺🎶 Embrace the sound of his musical journey this holiday season as he hits those high notes and occasional squeaks. It's a symphony of beauty and annoyance all wrapped up in one festive package! 🎄🎁 #HolidayHarmonies

• 
  No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with.

  Commentary:
  Ah, the timeless joy of transforming an innocent Christmas wrapping tube into a weapon of playful retaliation! 🎄💢 Who knew that a simple cardboard tube could evoke such mischief and laughter, regardless of age? Watch out, as the battle of the holiday tube warriors commences! 🎁🤺 Remember, it's all fun and games until someone gets bonked on the head with festive spirit! 😉

• 
  Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf.

  Commentary:
  "🎅🎄 Checking your elf is the ultimate holiday to-do list item! 📋 Don't let an elf oversight cause a shelf catastrophe – the stakes are high in Shelf Management this Christmas season! 🧝🧐 #ElfOnTheShelf #HolidayPrep"

• 
  Remember, for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries.

  Commentary:
  Looks like Santa's workshop is powered by magic and cookies, not batteries! 🎅🍪 Don't worry, folks, your toys may not come with batteries, but they do come with an extra sprinkle of holiday cheer! 🎁🎄 #PoweredByChristmasMagic

• 
  When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

  Commentary:
  "Talk about efficiency! Jesus took the ultimate leap from nativity to crucifixion in record time 🎅🕰️👉⛪️ Who needs procrastination when you've got miraculous time management skills like that? 🤣🙌 #SlayingGoals #JesusSpeedRun"

• 
  Asking Santa Claus for nudes.

  Commentary:
  Well, it seems like someone's really trying to push the limits of the naughty list this year 🎅📸 Who knew Santa was into more than just milk and cookies? 🍪😏 Hope you've been good this year, or else those nudes might end up on the Christmas card! 🎄🎅🚫 #SantaSaysNoToNudes

• 
  I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs a diet when you have birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother's Day, weekends, and… you being you 🤷‍♂️🍰🍾🎄🍫 Just blame it on the occasions, right? 😄"

• 
  Ho, ho, holy shit is Christmas stressful.

  Commentary:
  "🎅 Ho, ho, holy shit is right! Christmas: the season of jolly chaos, gift wrapping woes, and tangled fairy lights 😅🎁🎄 Just remember, it's all part of the ho-ho-holiday fun… right? 🤪 #ChristmasStress #TisTheSeasonToBeStressed"

• 
  Dance like nobody’s watching, except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

  Commentary:
  "Dance like nobody's watching, except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus…because you never know who's checking their list twice! 🎅🕵️‍♂️🙏 Keep those moves holy, secure, and definitely festive!"

• 
  Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist, it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs minimalist when you can have maximalist joy puking all over your living room? 🎄✨ Deck the halls with flashy ornaments and tinsel galore – 'tis the season to embrace the festive chaos! 🎅🤪 #JoyfulOverload"

Popular funny Christmas quotes

• 
  Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like a merry-go-round of decorating decisions! 🎄🎁 Someone's aiming for that perfect festive flair! 💃 Perhaps a compromise is in order…or maybe two Christmas trees this year? 🎅🤔

• 
  The Pope is the only employee who never gets to see his boss. Not even at the Christmas party.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like the Pope missed out on scoring some divine holiday bonuses this year! 🎅🎄🎁 #PopeProblems"

• 
  The Christmas tree I’ve had up all year makes a lot more sense now.

  Commentary:
  I knew procrastination would eventually pay off 🎄😆

• 
  The real advantage of being self-employed is that you don’t have to go to a Christmas party.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs a Christmas party when you can have a solo dance party in your pajamas at home? 🎄💃 Can't argue with the perks of being self-employed! 😉 #PartyOfOne"

• 
  Every year, just in time for Christmas, when it’s freezing cold, the Coca Cola truck shows up. Now, in this freaking heat, it’s nowhere to be seen.

  Commentary:
  "Well, it looks like even the Coca Cola truck needs a vacation from the heat! 🎄❄️☀️ Who knew it had a summer break too? Maybe it's off chilling on a beach somewhere, sipping on a cold Coke! 🏖️🥤 #SunsOutTrucksOut"

• 
  If it turns cold one more time, I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like Mother Nature can't decide between winter and spring, but hey, why not enjoy the holiday spirit all year round? 🎄❄️ Who needs a Christmas in July when you can have Christmas in March? 🤣 #MotherNatureMakeUpYourMind"

• 
  At Christmas time, all outstanding invoices are always transferred with the reference “Hohoho”.

  Commentary:
  Looks like Santa's got a side hustle as a debt collector! 🎅📜💸 Better pay up or your gifts might just be coal this year! 😂🎁 #HohohoFunds

• 
  When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

  Commentary:
  Oh, the hidden truth behind Christmas decorations! 🎄✨ Decking the halls while conveniently ignoring the dust bunnies – now that's the holiday spirit! 🎅🏼✨ Just add a bit of glitter, and no one will even notice the neglected cleaning duties! ✨🎁✨

• 
  Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!” New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit!”

  Commentary:
  "Christmas adverts be like: 🍗🎅🥂 Spoil yourself, you're a Christmas angel! 🎄✨ New year adverts: 🥴🥗💪 Look at what you've done, you jolly ol' sack of Christmas treats! 🤣🎇"

• 
  Inventing the Grinch: “Santa needs a Wario!”

  Commentary:
  Looks like Santa might need a bit of a challenge this Christmas! 🎅🦹‍♂️ Watch out for Wario trying to steal the spotlight from the Grinch! 🌟😈 This holiday season, it's all about who can cause the most chaos and mischief! 🎄🃏

More funny Christmas quotes

• 
  I don’t want to alarm anyone, but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas.

  Commentary:
  🎄🛍️ "Quick, someone sound the jingle bells and grab the tinsel! Only 365 shopping days left until Christmas – time to start panicking, folks! Remember, the early shopper gets the best deals… and a lot less stress come December 😉🎅"

• 
  When someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well, maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase.

  Commentary:
  😂🎄 "Ah, the classic Christmas eve panic, where last-minute shopping becomes an extreme sport! 'Well, maybe you should have thought of that sooner' is like the holiday version of 'I told you so!' ❄️ Pro tip: stock up on eggnog and patience for those who find themselves in this jolly predicament!"

• 
  My retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song. I just need to learn how to sing and write music.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like someone's banking on their vocal talents to sleigh the retirement game! 🎤🎅 Who needs a 401(k) when you've got jingle bells and high notes to back you up? 🎶😄 #RockinAroundTheRetirementPlan"

• 
  I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat!

  Commentary:
  "Looks like someone's stuck in a holiday rut, but hey, at least it's a delicious one! 🎄🍔 #ChristmasFeast"

• 
  Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare. My milk expired while I was waiting in line.

  Commentary:
  "Trying to survive the grocery store before Christmas is like going on a wild expedition through the jungle. 🛒🎄 Don't worry, your milk may have expired, but at least you've gained some battle scars in the form of long checkout lines! 💥😂"

• 
  Oh, I have Christmas spirit. The question is: Do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat?

  Commentary:
  "Well, that's the true holiday dilemma, isn't it? 🎄🥃 Decisions, decisions! Just remember, whichever way you go, it's all about spreading cheer! Cheers to a festive season! 🎅🥂"

• 
  There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas! Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

  Commentary:
  Looks like Santa's not the only one making a list and checking it twice this Christmas! 🌕🎄🍷 Time to watch out for those festive shenanigans under the magical glow of the full moon! 🌝🎅 Cheers to a merry and memorable holiday season! 🎉🥂

• 
  Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?

  Commentary:
  "Well, maybe it's because they wanted their own version of a 'rockin' Christmas' 🎅🦕 Who wouldn't want to see Dino dressed up as a reindeer? 🦌🪨 #YabbaDabbaDontQuestionTheHolidaySpirit"

• 
  Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check social media, because if he does, all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

  Commentary:
  Looks like Santa's sleigh isn't the only thing that slides into your DMs! 🎅📱 If he ever takes a scroll through your social media, you might be unwrapping a whole lot of therapy sessions this Christmas! 😂🎁#NaughtyListBound

• 
  Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

  Commentary:
  🎬🎄"Forget about the Grinch stealing Christmas, Alan Rickman seems to be the one wreaking havoc on the holiday season with his legendary performances! Move over, Santa, it's Alan's time to shine and ruin Christmas in style with his range of iconic characters. 'Tis the season for Alan Rickman to steal the show and your Christmas cheer!" 🌟😂

Witty Christmas quotes

• 
  I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

  Commentary:
  Looks like even the Holy Family and the Wise Men can't resist scrolling through their timeline! 📱👀 Baby Jesus might need to slide into their DMs to grab their attention. 😂 #ModernNativity #TechSavvyWiseMen

• 
  Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

  Commentary:
  🎅🏼 "Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff." 🤣 Looks like someone is mastering the art of independence and self-reliance! Who needs Santa when you've got your own shopping skills? 🛍️💁‍♂️ Just remember to treat yourself extra nice this holiday season – you deserve it! 😉✨

• 
  Giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang.

  Commentary:
  🐶🎄 "Watch out, there's a new posse in town! The fiercest gang around, strutting their stuff in style with matching sweaters. Who knew the key to canine camaraderie was fashion coordination? 🐾 #SquadGoals #DogsInSweaters"

  Fun Fact or Trivia:
  Did you know that the world's largest dog sweater is over 30 feet long? 🐶🎄 It was knitted for a massive Great Dane and showcased at a pet festival! Imagine all those pups strutting around in style! 🐕✨

• 
  We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa.

  Commentary:
  Looks like the spirit of Christmas tilted more than just your tree! 🎄😂 Your wife may have uncovered your secret past as a world-renowned architect. Who knew decorating could reveal hidden talents? 😉🎅

• 
  I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs expensive toys when you have a toddler whose favorite game is hide-and-seek with household items? 🎁😂 Not only are you saving money, but you're also promoting the spirit of recycling! ♻️🎄 #ParentingHacks"

• 
  If you like Christmas so much, why don’t you merry it?

  Commentary:
  🎄🎅 "If you like Christmas so much, why don't you merry it? Because who needs mistletoe when you can just marry Santa?" 😉💍 Embrace the holiday spirit all year round with your very own jolly ol' fella! 🎁✨ #ChristmasEveryday

• 
  My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like this year's Christmas letter is going for that 'behind the scenes' experience! 🎅🎥 Who needs Jingle Bells when you have colons to serenade you? 🎄💩 #TMIChristmasSpecial"

• 
  According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

  Commentary:
  🎅🏼🎁 Looks like my kids have mistaken me for Santa 🤶🏼💰 Who knew fulfilling their Christmas wishes came with such a hefty price tag! 😂👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 #ParentingPerks

• 
  It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs gold rings when you’ve got soaring credit card bills? 💳🎄😂"

• 
  Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

  Commentary:
  Ah, the joy of being single during the holidays. 🙃 While everyone else is busy decking the halls and roasting chestnuts over an open fire, us single folks are pros at putting on a brave face and pretending that we're totally fine spending another night alone with our Netflix queue. 🎄🎁 Just think of it as an extended opportunity to practice your solo dance moves and enjoy the entire box of chocolates without any judgment! 💃🍫 #SingleBells #