178 funny Christmas quotes - Wordgag

Let’s call it a year. I’ve had enough. Merry Christmas, y’all.

May 30, 2026

I’m not saying I’m old, but when I was in school, we made our parents ashtrays for Christmas.

May 30, 2026

It’s not jingling to you that I’m standing on Christmas.

May 30, 2026

Santa’s elves listen to wrap music.

May 29, 2026

Over Christmas, some bastard has snuck into my house, gone into my wardrobe, stolen my work trousers, and replaced them with a smaller pair.

May 29, 2026

It’s funny how everyone who was all about Christmas a week ago is suddenly into New Year’s now.

May 29, 2026

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card, and he gives me a $100 gift card.

May 29, 2026

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas, I’d make them play Mario Party with me.

May 29, 2026

Jesus invited prostitutes to dinner and was praised for compassion. I do it, and suddenly I ‘made Christmas awkward.’

May 29, 2026

That gap between Christmas and New Year’s when you can’t tell what day of the week it is.

May 29, 2026

I hate being at the age where you feel obligated to buy your whole family gifts for Christmas, but also the age where your bank account doesn’t feel obligated to support that.

May 29, 2026

In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh and flies off like 20 miles east.

May 29, 2026

They’re bluffing when they say you can still get knocked off the nice list this late in the game. Santa’s been delivering gifts in Japan for hours by now; that list is locked. Do whatever you want.

May 29, 2026

Has anyone noticed what it’s beginning to look a lot like?

May 29, 2026

Cops wake up Christmas morning excited as hell to ignore their family and go sit on the highway with a radar gun for 10 hours.

May 29, 2026

Santa went woke and gave me a small solar panel instead of coal.

May 29, 2026

The day after Christmas is a dangerous morning to be a microwave.

May 29, 2026

364 days until Christmas, and people already have decorations up. Unbelievable.

May 29, 2026

We have now entered the void (25th December to 31st December).

May 29, 2026

Honey, get in the car. We have to go to the store because we’re retarded, and it’s Christmas Eve.

May 29, 2026

My mom is asking each ornament, “Where do you want to live?” before putting them on the tree.

May 29, 2026

Just found out my 84-year-old neighbour is on his own tomorrow, so I’ve just been over to collect his spare chairs to borrow.

May 29, 2026

This year, the feliz is not navidading.

May 29, 2026May 29, 2026

I forgot to get milk, so Santa has a cup of Pepsi Max.

May 29, 2026

My parents told me Santa wasn’t real when I was 16. Jokes on them, because I’m at the mall right now, and guess who’s here.

May 29, 2026

My favorite Christmas Eve tradition is the one where I tell my kids we have to get the house spotless, or Santa won’t come.

May 29, 2026

(While my wife opens up her Christmas present) Remember when you said we needed milk?

May 29, 2026

All I want I for Christmas is to go to the mall in 1986.

May 29, 2026

Imagine giving someone your heart at Christmas, but the very next day they give it away. Haha, would feel so stupid.

May 29, 2026

A gentle reminder that if your birth year starts with a 19, you should consider wrapping the Christmas presents on a table, and not on the floor.

May 29, 2026

For Christmas, I’d like to figure it all out.

May 29, 2026

Stages of Christmas shopping: 1. There’s plenty of time. 2. Oh no!

May 29, 2026

December turns me into someone who believes a fat man with a beard can fix everything.

May 29, 2026

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

May 29, 2026

Guess I’ll be getting the same thing for Christmas, again. Fat!

May 29, 2026

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” is my favorite story about how everyone treats you like shit until they need something from you.

May 29, 2026

Some of you need to be visited by the ghost of ‘Quit emailing me so much before Christmas.’

May 29, 2026

What happened to the huge corporate Christmas parties you see in all the ’90s movies? Seems like that doesn’t exist at all anymore.

May 29, 2026

As a kid, I didn’t understand the subtext of ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ at all. I thought Mommy was cheating.

May 29, 2026

After a quick review of my finances, everyone is going to have to be happy with a forehead kiss for Christmas.

May 29, 2026