50+ Funny Daily Quotes That Prove Every Day Is A Brand-New Comedy Episode

New funny daily quotes

• 
  Work beers should be a daily thing.

  Commentary:
  Time to update the employee handbook to include 'Beer O'Clock' every day! 🍺😄🎉

• 
  Every single morning, I have to get out of bed and do things, and it’s bullshit.

  Commentary:
  When did being an adult become a never-ending episode of "Survivor"? 🌞😴🤦‍♂️

• 
  Each day on Twitter, there is one main character. The goal is to never be it.

  Commentary:
  Trying to stay low-key on Twitter like a ninja in a library 📚🤫 #AvoidTheSpotlight

• 
  Having a job is crazy. When you’re at home, you feel lonely and want to go to work. When you’re at work, you’re exhausted and just want to go home.

  Commentary:
  Work-life balance is just a fancy way of saying I'm confused about where I want to nap! 🛋️💤💼

• 
  The morning routine that takes the longest: finding the will to live.

  Commentary:
  Wishing I could hit snooze on life's alarm clock! 😂⏰💤

• 
  I can’t wait to open my phone tomorrow and find out what we’re mad about next.

  Commentary:
  Ready for tomorrow's episode of "Who Are We Mad At Now?" 📱🍿😆

• 
  Do people exist who manage to wash, dry, fold, and put away their laundry in the same day?

  Commentary:
  Achieving this mythical level of productivity deserves its own superhero comic series 🦸‍♀️🦸‍♂️🧺✨

• 
  Leaving your house and returning back safely is such an underrated blessing.

  Commentary:
  True adventure is just going to the grocery store and returning without losing a sock! 🧦😂🏡

• 
  A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like toddlers have mastered time management and chaos creation all at once! 😅🍼💥

• 
  So heartbreaking to do laundry and realize you can’t wash the clothes you’re literally wearing right now… you will never have a completely fresh start.

  Commentary:
  The eternal struggle: wanting to wash your troubles away but realizing you might have to leave the house wearing a bedsheet! 😅👗🧺

Top funny daily quotes

• 
  Today, I started a 28-day no-swearing challenge, which I will restart tomorrow.

  Commentary:
  Taking this challenge one swear word at a time! 🚫💢🙊

• 
  I regret to inform you that we must all once again figure out what to make for dinner tonight.

  Commentary:
  Why can't dinner just cook itself while we binge-watch our decision-making skills fly out the window? 🍕🤔🍿

• 
  Thank you, God, for another day. Let’s get this 12-hour screen time.

  Commentary:
  Praying to the Wi-Fi gods for strong signals today! 📱🙏😂

• 
  When you’re a parent, your skincare routine is just the steam from the dishwasher when you open it to find the coffee cup you just needed.

  Commentary:
  The secret to parenting skincare: dishwasher steam facials—because who needs a spa when you have a kitchen! ☕️🚿😆

• 
  Mid-life crisis? No, no, mid-day crisis. Something happens every day.

  Commentary:
  Trying to decide between a nap and coffee… daily dilemma 😂☕😴

• 
  After a lot of experience, I can conclude that one can never actually cross “washing dishes” off the to-do list.

  Commentary:
  Doing dishes is like fighting a hydra—wash one, and two more appear! 🍽️🧼💦

• 
  My southern family thinks my daily routine in NYC is that I wake up, try really hard not to get stabbed by a knife, and then I go see a musical.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like a thrilling adventure simulator with a Broadway bonus! 🎭🗽🔪

• 
  Another day of waking up cute instead of wealthy, so I guess I have to go to work.

  Commentary:
  Guess I'll start paying my bills with my charming personality! 💁‍♀️💸🤣

• 
  I actually check my emails every day in hopes I’m going to get some life-changing news someday.

  Commentary:
  Waiting for that email like it's the Hogwarts acceptance letter, minus the owl. 📧🦉✨

• 
  Moms be like, “I needed this,” and it’s really just a break from being the one who holds it all together every single day.

  Commentary:
  When Mom says she "needed this," she's activating her mom superpower recovery mode! 💪👩‍👧‍👦🍷

Popular funny daily quotes

• 
  Is it socially acceptable to wear pajamas all day if you’re constantly holding a coffee cup?

  Commentary:
  If pajamas and coffee cups became a fashion trend, I'd be on the cover of Vogue by now! ☕😴🛋️

• 
  My plans for today? Same as always, drink coffee and be sexy.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like a solid plan! Just remember, the coffee doesn't spill itself and the mirror's already swooning! ☕😎

• 
  I think everyone should get $500 deposited into their accounts every day, just for waking up.

  Commentary:
  Waking up has never sounded so profitable 😂💸 Rise and shine, it’s payday time! 🌞💰

• 
  Reminder that you need to be scrolling all day to monitor the situation.

  Commentary:
  When life gives you scrolling duties, become the Sherlock Holmes of your newsfeed! 🕵️‍♂️📱😂

• 
  The lioness does not concern herself with the pile of clothes she moves between bed and chair every day.

  Commentary:
  Just channeling my inner lioness as I majestically ignore that laundry mountain 🦁🧺😂

• 
  The worst thing about being an adult is that you have to be one every single day.

  Commentary:
  Why didn't anyone warn us about this never-ending subscription to adulthood? 🤔😂✨

• 
  Washing your face is actually multitasking because you are also washing your hands and forearms and shirt and countertop and feet and floor and hair.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like a spa day gone rogue! 🧽🛁😂👕

• 
  Being an adult is spending every day looking at a pill bottle, wondering, “Did I take this already?”

  Commentary:
  🕵️‍♂️💊 Current level of adulthood: Staring contest with my pill bottle!

• 
  Girl, I’m bored. Let’s start drinking the daily recommended 10-15 cups of water.

  Commentary:
  Hydration station, here we come! 💧🚰 Let's turn 'boring' into 'pour-ing’! 😂

• 
  So crazy to just be living every day through the slow-motion car crash of escalating fascism, and it’s still like, “Aww, man, I have to go to the dentist.”

  Commentary:
  Living in a whirlwind of chaos, but cavity-free teeth are a priority! 😬🦷🚗💥

More funny daily quotes

• 
  I’m retired. I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.

  Commentary:
  "Sounds like you've mastered the art of tiredness – retired today, re-tired tomorrow! 😂💤"

• 
  My morning routine includes 20 minutes of staring at the ceiling thinking about how tired I am and debating if I really need to live today.

  Commentary:
  🌅 Faced with the toughest decision of the day: to live or not to live? That is the question! 😴 Who knew that ceiling could be so captivating, right? Maybe a little pep talk is in order to kickstart the day! 💪☕ #MorningStruggles #JustFiveMoreMinutes

• 
  I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on.

  Commentary:
  "Deciding to embrace the parkour lifestyle seemed like a good idea at first 🏃‍♂️, until reality kicked in with a minor hiccup involving jeans 👖 and my coordination skills 🤦‍♂️. Sometimes, a graceful fall is just as stylish as a perfectly executed jump! 😅 #ParkourFail"

• 
  At bedtime, I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the sacred transition from hair accessory to snack guardian! 🌙🦀 Because who needs beauty sleep when you can have crispy chips instead? 😂 #Priorities"

• 
  If only my bank balance was as high as my daily calorie intake.

  Commentary:
  "If only my bank balance could match the extravagance of my daily calorie intake! 🍔💸 Oh, the dreams we dare to dream between the fries and the funds… 😅 #LifeGoals #FoodieFinance"

• 
  I don’t have mirrors in my house. I mean, who wants to see disappointment everyday?

  Commentary:
  "Who needs mirrors when you can just use your front-facing camera for a daily reality check instead? 📸😂 #SelfieTruthHurts"

• 
  Me every time I wake up: Oh no, not again!

  Commentary:
  "Another day, another episode of 'Adventures in Waking Up Too Early.' 🌞😴 One must learn to embrace the morning chaos with a touch of humor and copious amounts of coffee! ☕️😅 #MorningStruggles"

• 
  50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

  Commentary:
  "Parenting is like a never-ending game of 'Stairmaster: Toddler Edition' 🚼🚶‍♂️ Is that noise a sign of imminent disaster or just another false alarm? 😅🔊 #ParentingDilemmas"

• 
  I suck at charging my phone, 21 percent charged, and I’m taking it off so I can lay the other way.

  Commentary:
  Only 21% charged? Well, that's a solid D in battery school 😂🔋📉 Time for some lay down repairs!

• 
  Drinking 3L of water daily helps you avoid other people’s drama because you’re too busy peeing. Stay hydrated.

  Commentary:
  Keeping my drama-free streak strong with my trusty water bottle and frequent bathroom breaks! 🚰🚽🤣

Witty daily quotes

• 
  I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

  Commentary:
  Oh, the struggles of parenting! 🤪📅 It's like trying to solve a riddle every time they ask, right? Time becomes a mere concept when you have little ones around. Just tell them it's "Today" and leave it at that! 😂 #ParentingProblems

• 
  Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

  Commentary:
  "Breaking News: Retail Olympics now offering a daily brawl event! 🥊😂 Unleash your inner frustrations and let the customer showdowns begin! Who will take home the gold medal in the 'Can I Speak to Your Manager' category? Stay tuned for the ultimate showdown of patience vs sass! 💥🌟 #CustomerServiceRumble"

• 
  A garlic a day keeps the doctor away.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs an apple when you can have a garlic? 😂 Just make sure to keep the vampires at bay too! 🧛‍♂️ #ForgetTheAppleADay"

• 
  I’m basically a taxi today for the kids and dogs.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the glamorous life of a chauffeur to mini-humans and four-legged furballs! 🚖👶🐶 Who needs a limo when you've got a minivan full of chaos and cuteness? 🚗😂 #ParentingLife"

• 
  Home is where you’ve left the shopping list.

  Commentary:
  "Home is where you've left the shopping list… along with your keys, your sanity, and all hopes of ever remembering to buy milk 🛒🧾🔑😅"

• 
  The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

  Commentary:
  Ah, the adult version of the classic tune – "wallet, glasses, keys and phone" – where forgetfulness meets responsibility in a not-so-catchy melody! 🎶🤓🔑📱 It's the new jam for grown-ups everywhere, making sure we're always prepared and slightly disorganized at the same time. 😅 #AdultingInStyle

• 
  Every morning when that damn alarm clock goes off, I just feel it so much: A million-dollar inheritance suits me much better than an office job.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the melodious sound of the alarm clock – the daily symphony of regret and wishful thinking! 🕰️💸 Trading cubicles for castles sounds like a dream worth hitting the snooze button for! 😂 #InheritanceGoals"

• 
  The 5 seconds in the morning, when I don’t yet know who I am, is the best time of the day.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the blissful 5 seconds of morning amnesia – when you can pretend to be anyone you want before reality hits 🌅😂 Embrace the mystery and make the most of those fleeting moments of identity crisis!"

• 
  “You should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day”. Okay, and how much if you’re not trying to go to the Olympics?

  Commentary:
  Ah, the age-old question of exercise expectations! 🏋️‍♂️💁‍♀️ Remember, even if you're not aiming for Olympic glory, a little movement goes a long way in keeping those muscles happy and those extra snacks in check! 😄🍕 #CouchPotatoGoldMedal

• 
  Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts and photos when someone asks me what I did yesterday.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the joys of aging – where 'senior moments' become a daily adventure! 🧓📱 Don't worry, just tell them you were too busy living in the moment to remember it! 😅 #ForeverYoungAtHeart"