New funny diet quotes

• If only my bank balance was as high as my daily calorie intake.

• I need to hire someone to just constantly slap food out of my hand.

• There should be a calorie refund for food that didn’t taste as good as you expected.

• Never trust someone who can eat 24/7 but is still skinny.

• One day you’re 18 eating pizza for every lunch, then suddenly you’re 30 and eating salad with celery and kale juice.

• My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

• I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

• Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.

• I want a hot body, but I also want hot wings.

• Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.

Top funny diet quotes

• At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

• Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.

• It’s important to fuel your body with essential nutrients, which can be found in cookies, chips, and candy.

• This summer went by so fast, I didn’t even get a chance to lose any weight.

• I love surprising my metabolism. It never knows what’s coming—either absolute starvation or 1,000+ calories all at once.

• When your stomach is really mad at you, and you’re not sure which one of your 13 unhealthy lifestyle choices is causing it.

• My weight loss journey is just the three hours in between meals.

• The easiest diet is lack of money. You don’t have to do anything.

• Pouring Diet Coke directly into my gunshot wound.

• My diet plan is sometimes, when I’m eating chips, I drop some on the floor, and I don’t eat those ones.

Popular funny diet quotes

• “A healthy lifestyle is all about balance,” I say as I drive through Taco Bell after working out.

• I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

• All of my fitness goals are within reach, but unfortunately, so are the crisps.

• There’s protein in foods that have never been protein before.

• Eating dark chocolate is practically eating vegetables.

• Eating healthy requires a second job.

• Accidentally said I was on a diet instead of in a calorie deficit, and now everyone knows I’m from the 1900s.

• Whatever happened calorically this weekend can never happen again.

• Shutting up is gluten-free. Maybe add that to your diet, princess.

• Fun fact: Did you know that removing junk food from your diet can help you lose up to 90% of your will to live?

More funny diet quotes

• Diet Coke is just a fridge cigarette.

• Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

• Yesterday, I went to the grocery store, and I managed to come home without any junk food. Now, I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

• I’m planning to eat the rich, but can I sub out fries for a salad?

• Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids, knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

• I am on a diet where you just speak Italian: “Pasta,” “Pizza,” and “I’m leaving Rooma for dessert.”

• Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t want to talk about it.

• Feeling weird from my cookie-based diet.

• It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

• Not eating the cookie I’m craving. I better wake up skinny tomorrow.

Witty diet quotes

• The toughest part of being a vegan is keeping it to yourself.

• Marriage is 33.3% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

• I’ve started eating healthier and exercising if you’re wondering why I’m in such a crappy mood all of a sudden.

• Being skinny may be nice, but chicken nuggets are even nicer.

• The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.

• How to have flat stomach: remove all of your organs.

• I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

• Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

• Don’t blame the holidays, you were already overweight in August.

• I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

Funny diet quotes remind us that while diets sound simple on paper 📄, real life usually has other plans 🍩. Whether it’s emotional eating, portion size denial, or the “this doesn’t count if no one sees me” rule 🤣, dieting comes with plenty of funny moments. These quotes are perfect for anyone who’s ever celebrated sticking to a diet by immediately breaking it 🙃. So embrace the struggle, laugh at the cravings, and enjoy the comedy that comes with every diet attempt 🤪!