50+ Funny Dog Quotes That Prove Man’s Best Friend Is A Comedic Genius

New funny dog quotes

• 
  You know how a dog tilts his head and looks confused when he hears a strange sound? Yeah, that’s how I feel when some people are talking.

  Commentary:
  Relatable! My brain tilts like a confused puppy when I try to understand the latest slang 🤔🐶🔊

• 
  Dating apps aren’t working, time to start drinking beer and eating hot dogs along the first base line at a baseball game.

  Commentary:
  Looks like it's time to trade left swipes for hot dogs and baseball strikes! 🍺🌭⚾️

• 
  Going to the bathroom at night with my flashlight on and a dog next to me feels like I’m gonna solve a mystery.

  Commentary:
  Ready to crack the case of the midnight munchies with my trusty sidekick, Scooby-Doo! 🐾🔦🔍

• 
  They say white people don’t have their own culture, but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog, and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

  Commentary:
  I can't wait for the bark-mitzvah next! 🎉🐶💥

• 
  The best thing about dogs is you can act like something really good just happened, and they’ll instantly start celebrating too. They have no idea what the context is; they’re just always ready to party, no matter what.

  Commentary:
  When your dog is the ultimate hype buddy and thinks every day is a surprise birthday party! 🎉🐶🎈

• 
  I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your dog can stay home for the hour you’re at the grocery store or restaurant.

  Commentary:
  Your dog called and said they’re fine at home but requested more treats in exchange for their sanity 😂🐶🦴

• 
  I’ll make direct eye contact while eating a hot dog, just to make you feel weird.

  Commentary:
  Locking eyes over a hot dog showdown 🍴👀🌭 Let the awkwardness begin!

• 
  Don’t put words in my mouth—that’s where the hot dogs go.

  Commentary:
  Guess I’m on a word diet, but still on an all-you-can-eat hot dog plan! 🌭😂

• 
  If barking at nothing was an Olympic sport, my dog would win gold.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like a true champion of the imaginary squirrel chase! 🐶🥇🏆

• 
  “You replied so quickly.” God forbid I wait like a dog to hear from you again.

  Commentary:
  Well, I'm not about to let my phone gather dust waiting for a response. Priorities, right? 🐶📱😅

Top funny dog quotes

• 
  You know who’s gonna love you in the end? Your dog.

  Commentary:
  Even if I forget to feed 'em once or twice… unconditional fluffiness for the win! 🐾😂

• 
  Doggy style means I get a treat afterwards, right?

  Commentary:
  Reward system activated! Doggy treats incoming! 🐶🍖🤣

• 
  Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with a group chat.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs group chat drama when you can have a loyal dog who cuddles you instead? 🐶💬 No sudden notifications, just unconditional love! 🐾 #DogIsMyBestFriend"

• 
  When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

  Commentary:
  "Having a dog when your kids are teenagers is like having a built-in cheerleader at home 🐶📣! At least someone will wag their tail and greet you with excitement when you walk through the door! Parenting win! 😂"

• 
  I don’t want to adult today, I just want to dog. I’ll be lying down on the floor in the sun, you can pet me and bring me some snacks.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs adulting when you can just be a carefree pup soaking up the sun and receiving snacks on demand? 🐶☀️ Don't worry, I'll bring the snacks as long as you promise belly rubs in return! #DogLifeGoals"

• 
  Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the age-old dilemma: to Netflix and bark or to not Netflix and bark? 🤔🐾 Normal is just a setting on the dryer, right? 🧺🐶 #DogParentLife"

• 
  Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.

  Commentary:
  "🐶🚽 When life gets ruff, remember: channel your inner dog! If that stressful situation isn't food or a toy, just pee on it and strut away like a boss. #LifeAdvice #DoggoneGenius"

• 
  Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and live for 150 years. Lesson learned.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like the key to a long life is just taking it slow and steady like a turtle 🐢 Who knew that doing nothing could be so beneficial?! Meanwhile, us humans are constantly running like dogs 🐕 and only living for a fraction of the time. Maybe it's time for us to embrace our inner turtle and chill out more! 🐢🏃‍♂️ #SlowAndSteadyWinsTheRace"

• 
  I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs tissues when you have a dog? 🐶❤️ Your furry friend is just helping you with your hydration levels! #DogHugsAreTheBest"

• 
  Taking a dog named shark to the beach is a bad idea.

  Commentary:
  "Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is like inviting trouble to a party 😆🦈🏖️ Maybe stick to a safer name like 'Puppy Paddle' for a stress-free day out!"

Popular funny dog quotes

• 
  I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

  Commentary:
  Oh, so you're a professional dog ear folder, huh? 📚🐶 That's some impressive page marking skills you've got there! Maybe next time you'll reach a full-blown literary mutt 😆🐾 #DogEarMaster

• 
  My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

  Commentary:
  🐶🍃 "Wow, a real-life canine botanist in the making! 🕵️‍♂️ Who knew your furry friend had such a knack for leafy pursuits? 🌿 Forget fetch, we've now moved on to foliage hunting! 🍂🔎"

• 
  You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

  Commentary:
  "Well, if looks could kill, your dog would be a certified assassin! 😂👀 Who knew the evil eye from a furry friend could be more intimidating than any threat out there? Watch out, that couch belongs to the real master! 🐶💺"

• 
  My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

  Commentary:
  Looks like your dog is the ultimate bipartisan pee-ologist! 🐶🤣 Who knew our furry friends could play a part in the political process too? Maybe he's advocating for a "pawsome" unity party! 🐾 #Dogtatorship

• 
  Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

  Commentary:
  Oh, the betrayal! 🐶 Ignoring the hand that feeds to chat with the one that barks – it's a woof situation for sure! 🗡️💔 #StabbyLittleSecrets

• 
  I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me.

  Commentary:
  "Yep, dogs are the ultimate loyal companions. They'll never leave you on 'paws' 🐾 or let you 'fetch' a disappointed text 📱. No ghosting here, just tails wagging! 🐶👻"

• 
  I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

  Commentary:
  "Imagine going to the doctor's office and finding a trail of treats leading to the examination room! 🐾 Who says bribing with snacks only works on pets? 🍖😂 Maybe we should start a 'treats-for-patients' movement! 🏥 #DoctorVsVet"

• 
  If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

  Commentary:
  🐶 "When your dog catches you being a sleep paparazzi, it's time to lawyer up! 😂 Who knew that sleepy faces could be so incriminating? Someone's definitely on the naughty list now!"

• 
  A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs rejection from a man when even your dog's like, 'Nah, I'm out' 🤣🐶 #dogloyalty #rejectedbyboth"

• 
  If dogs ever learn to talk, I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

  Commentary:
  "If dogs could talk, it would be a whole new level of drama at the dog park! 🐶🗣️🤥 Just imagine the tall tales your furry friend might come up with! Better hide those socks before they spill the beans about who the real sock thief is 😉🧦"

More funny dog quotes

• 
  I’m so single. When they ask me for an emergency contact, I put the neighbor’s dog.

  Commentary:
  "🐶 Who needs a human emergency contact when you have a loyal furry friend ready to fetch help at a moment's notice? Single life level: Expert. 😂"

• 
  I could never give up my dog, he knows too much.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs enemies when you have a dog with insider information?! 🐶🕵️‍♂️ Remember, keep your friends close and your dog closer… because they've seen things, man." 😂

• 
  I’m basically a taxi today for the kids and dogs.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the glamorous life of a chauffeur to mini-humans and four-legged furballs! 🚖👶🐶 Who needs a limo when you've got a minivan full of chaos and cuteness? 🚗😂 #ParentingLife"

• 
  All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church.

  Commentary:
  "Well, maybe they're just not into the paw-fect attendance policy 🐾🐕 Who can blame them though? With all that unconditional love and tail-wagging joy, they've probably already secured a spot in doggy heaven anyway!"

• 
  Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse.

  Commentary:
  "Must be ruff being a dog! 🐶 Just imagine, a never-ending spa day with massages from everyone you wag your tail at! 💆‍♂️🐾 Who needs a fancy spa when you've got a whole world of masseuses waiting to pamper you? 😂 #DogLife"

• 
  I have now learned the moonwalk. It’s visually the coolest way to get fresh dog poop off the soles of your shoes.

  Commentary:
  🌕🕺💩 "Who knew the moonwalk could have such a practical application? Talk about turning a crappy situation into a smooth move! Michael Jackson would be proud of this unique use of his signature dance 😄👟 #moonwalkmagic"

• 
  You should be allowed to go home early from work if you miss your dog a lot.

  Commentary:
  If missing my dog was a valid excuse, I'd be home before I even left! 🐶🏃‍♂️✨

• 
  When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

  Commentary:
  "Taking a stroll equipped with both dog treats and people treats? 🐶🍬 Better watch out for those mix-ups! One accidental snack swap could lead to some very confused (and possibly offended) companions. Stay vigilant, treat distributor extraordinaire!"

• 
  I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

  Commentary:
  "Easy solution: just bring your own karaoke machine and start belting out 'Wonderwall' at full volume. 🎤🎶 Nothing like an unexpected solo performance to really get the party going… or clearing out the bar in record time! 🙉🎵"

• 
  Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs a dog that can high-five when you can have one that can fold laundry like a pro? 🐕👚 Let's revolutionize dog training one chore at a time! 💪🐾 #DomesticatedSuperheroes"

Witty dog quotes

• 
  My dog is quite vain. Whenever the doorbell rings, he thinks it’s for him.

  Commentary:
  🐶💁‍♂️ "Ah, the case of the egocentric pooch! 🚪🔔 Must be tough being the most popular pup in the neighborhood, huh? Just imagine the disappointment when he realizes it's not a fan club gathering but just the mailman! 😂 #SorryBuddyNotToday"

• 
  My dog and I play this game, it’s called “What Are You Chewing On Now?” It goes both ways.

  Commentary:
  🐶🎾 Playing "What Are You Chewing On Now?" with your dog sounds like a never-ending mystery game! Just when you think you know the answer, your furry friend throws a plot twist and starts investigating your belongings too. It's a cute tug-of-war where the prize is often a half-eaten slipper or a mysterious object from under the couch. Who knew swapping chewing objects could be this entertaining and unpredictable! Just another day in the life of a pet parent

• 
  Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality.

  Commentary:
  🐶🐱 "Watching Tom and Jerry as a kid really messed with my understanding of the animal kingdom! Turns out, it's the 'innocent' dogs who are the real bullies to the sophisticated felines. Who knew that cartoon chaos could lead to such insightful revelations? Time for some serious pet therapy sessions! 🙈😂"

• 
  There are drug-sniffing dogs, guide dogs, dogs that save lives. And then there’s my dog, who hits the lead when he poops.

  Commentary:
  "From heroic K-9s to… poop-strategist extraordinaire! 🐶💩 Let's just say, every dog has its own 'special talent'! 😄 #PoopPrecision"

• 
  My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

  Commentary:
  Well, that's one sneaky pup! 😂🐶 It seems like your dog knows how to keep you on your toes with their unpredictable antics. Who knew our furry friends could be such masters of deception? Just imagine the mischief they get up to when we're not around! 🐾 #DoggyDrama

• 
  Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

  Commentary:
  "Maybe all wolves need is some love and positive reinforcement to unleash their inner 'good boy' potential! 🐺🐶 Who knows, they might start wagging their tails instead of howling at the moon! 🌕😄"

• 
  I have heard that people without dogs have to pick up dropped food themselves.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the age-old wisdom of living with a dog: no need to worry about dropped food because you've got a furry cleanup crew on standby! 🐾 Who needs a vacuum when you've got a hungry pooch around? 😂🐶 #LifeHack"

• 
  I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

  Commentary:
  "Oh, the trials and tribulations of DIY dog grooming! 💇‍♀️🐶 Who knew those furry friends could be such demanding clients? Maybe it's time to leave the styling to the professionals and stick to the simple tricks like fetch and belly rubs. 😉 #DogGroomingStruggles"

• 
  I threw a ball for my dog. May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

  Commentary:
  Looks like this pup is living his best life in style! 🎩🐶 Who needs a fancy dinner party when you can have a doggo slaying in a tuxedo at the park instead? Talk about a paw-dorable fashion statement! 💃🐕

• 
  The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called.

  Commentary:
  Ah, the classic struggle of calling out names! 🐶👶 Who knew getting attention could be this challenging? At least with the dog, you're guaranteed some level of response, unlike the unpredictable kid! 😅🐾 #ParentsVsPets