50+ Funny Holiday Quotes That Prove Time Off Comes With Its Own Chaos

New funny holiday quotes

• If elves make shoes, cookies, and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff?

• My mom asked me where I’m taking her to eat on Mother’s Day. I told her we have food at home.

• Americans be like, “MM:DD:YY” is how you say dates verbally, and then have a national holiday called “4th of July.”

• Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day.

• Using my one phone call to call Santa.

• When I become president, any public holiday that falls on a Thursday automatically extends to Friday.

• What we need is an evil Santa who steals our children’s most annoying toys.

• Wild how we don’t get a public holiday for Wrestlemania, but okay.

• Don’t blame the holidays, you were already overweight in August.

• Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

Top funny holiday quotes

• Thanksgiving ain’t been the same ever since my uncle pulled that gun out on everybody.

• Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down. You’re almost there.

• If you wish me a happy Thanksgiving, don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

• I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

• I’m staying up past midnight this New Year’s eve. Not to welcome the new year, but to make sure this one is over.

• Thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess.

• Daylight savings is just a made up holiday to sell more daylight.

• The week between Christmas and New Year’s should be studied as it is clearly a wormhole, disturbing time and space.

• In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day.

• Eating cookies left for Santa because the cowboy was a no show.

Popular funny holiday quotes

• Having Christmas off in the middle of the work week and then forcing us to go back to work the next day feels so illegal.

• The holidays may be over by my work ethic is still out of the office.

• The way turkeys feel about November is probably how treadmills feel about January.

• Putting away the Christmas tree. Sad day for cats.

• I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do.

• I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa-shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach.

• There is no bigger day for microwaves than the 26th day of December. This is their Olympics.

• I walked into a holiday party, saw someone else already playing with the dog, and realized they’d stolen my entire social strategy.

• This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.

• Pretty cool that we all come together on Christmas and celebrate the birth of Santa.

More funny holiday quotes

• Misses Claus only married Santa because of his big sack.

• Sleeping nakey nakey nakey just in case Santa wants a different type of cookie tonight.

• Santa: “Don’t leave me milk. Leave me whiskey.”

• I’ll be home for Christmas, because that’s where I live.

• When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent.

• Christmas is coming and you’re not.

• l identify as a Christmas tree. Lit on the outside, dead on the inside.

• Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice.

• “It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

• If I’m gonna jingle your bells, I’m definitely gonna jingle them all the way.

Witty holiday quotes

• Іf Empire Strikes Back isn’t a Christmas movie, then why is there so much snow in it?

• I’m too old to be jingling all the way, I’ll jingle til about five thirty.

• Jingle all the way? In this economy?

• ‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of a T-Rex.

• If cats could send Christmas cards, they wouldn’t.

• Imagine falling in love and then finding out that they put antlers on their car for the holidays.

• If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people.

• Text a co-worker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank.

• Christmas is the season of giving, and I’m giving up for good.

• Dear Santa, Money!

Funny holiday quotes remind us that while holidays are supposed to be stress-free 🌞, they often deliver a steady stream of hilarious complications 🤣. Whether it’s awkward family dinners 🍗, over-the-top decorations 🎀, or unexpected travel nightmares 🚧, holidays provide endless material for laughter. These quotes are perfect for anyone who’s survived a holiday season with more stories than souvenirs 🙃. So embrace the madness, laugh at the traditions, and enjoy every ridiculous holiday moment 🤪!