50+ Funny Humor Quotes That Will Make Your Day Instantly Better

New funny humor quotes

• Nobody cleans better than somebody that’s pissed off.

• “Is everything okay?” Bro, nothing has been since I turned 12.

• Can I come over and crawl around on you like a bug?

• The thing about being 50+ is that whenever an opportunity to pee is available – you’re wise to take it.

• Solitude never hits you with unsolicited opinions.

• So, technically, Moses is the first man to download files from the cloud using a tablet.

• Everyone’s a gangster until they have to say sorry.

• I’m surprised some of you are allowed out of your house on your own.

• I refuse to be bound by the social construct called “the calendar.” Merry Christmas, everyone.

• I get writer’s block responding to people.

Top funny humor quotes

• My dad wasn’t absent or present; he was a secret third thing.

• Sorry, I can’t hang out. I don’t know enough words.

• If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium, you lizard.

• The older I get, the more I don’t want to do things.

• I wish I could Shazam a perfume.

• Mothers will invent chores just to be mad you’re not doing them too.

• Moms will vacuum the ceiling, alphabetize the spice rack, reorganize your socks, then say, “No one helps me around here!”

• Mothers be doing unnecessary housework and then get mad at you when they’re tired.

• Marriage! Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

• If you have to remind them to give a shit, remind yourself not to.

Popular funny humor quotes

• I don’t care if it’s cliché, I will always enjoy a ‘small town but something messed up is happening’ story.

• Some people peak in high school. I peaked when I realized I never had to see them again.

• I would rather walk barefoot across a carpet made out of Legos than go to my high school reunion.

• So excited to go to bed and have the worst sleep of my life, and wake up exhausted and aching.

• Love crawling into bed like it’s a spa retreat, only to wake up like I survived a bar fight.

• Feeling morally and spiritually adrift without a Sunday HBO show.

• Sunday without HBO feels like a meal without carbs — empty and deeply wrong.

• Aliens probably lock their doors when they fly past Earth.

• Kids don’t love anything as much as they love arguing with each other.

• Putting your wedding scrapbook in the little free library is an unprecedented level of divorced.

More funny humor quotes

• Some people are so judgmental, I can tell by just looking at them.

• I really feel like we need to have more fun in life, because literally nothing matters.

• I love being single because how could I explain a 2 p.m. – 5 p.m. nap on a Saturday.

• Death cannot harm me more than you have harmed me, my beloved life.

• I’m glad the makers removed all the unnecessary sex scenes from my life, so I can focus on character development.

• I think it’s extremely important, especially in the morning, to be quiet.

• If you don’t have dating allegations with your best friend, you are not bestfriending hard enough.

• Womansplaining is when a woman tries to explain to you what you’re thinking/feeling, and is just totally 100% wrong.

• Applying lip balm when you know someone’s watching you is a power move.

• Coke tastes like tapping into your ancient ancestral petroleum reserves, while Sprite tastes like being connected to a big, beautiful energy grid.

Witty humor quotes

• I would do absolutely anything for my friends, except answer their text messages.

• Not gonna lie, the age I’m turning this year sounds a little serious, and I don’t like it.

• Aliens probably have group chats called Don’t Stop on Earth.

• Today I was in a taxi, and the taxi driver said, “I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do!” Then I said, “Turn left.”

• Adulting looked way more affordable in the 90’s. I feel scammed.

• Frankly, I have too many situations and not enough monitors.

• Hate Google’s Gemini. If I wanted to get misinformation from a Gemini, I’d talk to my mother.

• This flight is so long, I don’t know where I’m going anymore. I just live here now. Even the crying baby gave up.

• Let’s drink some whiskey and say too much.

• There should be a three-day weekend: one day to do nothing, one day to do something, and one day to do laundry.

Funny humor quotes remind us that laughter truly is the best medicine 💊😂. Whenever life throws a curveball ⚾, a good laugh can turn it into a hilarious story to tell later 📖. These gems brighten conversations 🗨️, lighten heavy moments 🌤️, and bring people closer together 🤗. Bookmark your favorites, share them with friends 👯‍♂️, and keep the good vibes rolling 🚀. Because at the end of the day, a good sense of humor makes everything a bit more bearable and a lot more fun 😆.