New funny humor quotes

• I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times. You know, just to be sure.

• My morning routine includes 20 minutes of staring at the ceiling thinking about how tired I am and debating if I really need to live today.

• Told someone I’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” and they blocked me immediately.

• Why does it take 5-7 business days to refund my money when it took 5-7 seconds to take it out of my account?

• I know my limits. I don’t always obey them, but I know them.

• I like to live life dangerously by occasionally sticking my foot out over the edge of the bed at night.

• I’m just impressed by how ugly I’m willing to look in public these day.

• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

• Best friends: they know how crazy you are but still choose to be seen in public with you.

• I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this, I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

Top funny humor quotes

• Home is where you can look ugly and enjoy it.

• If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it.

• Liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it.

• I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

• I suck at flirting, I end up arguing with them instead.

• I have lots of hidden talents. The problem is, even I can’t find them.

• My mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend.

• Life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge.

• Not all who wander are lost. Some are just moms. In Target. Hiding from their children.

• Sorry for being late, I was enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.

Popular funny humor quotes

• Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.

• I don’t want to brag or anything, but I can still fit in the earrings I wore in high school.

• She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

• You know what part I love about waking up? None of it. Let me sleep!

• Dear autocorrect, that’s not what I was trying to say. I’m getting tired of your shirt.

• People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.

• Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

• Nobody stresses a woman out more than a man who isn’t her man yet.

• The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

• I want a hot body, but I also want hot wings.

More funny humor quotes

• Just because I’m awake doesn’t mean I’m ready to do things.

• There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

• Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid. I asked. Twice.

• Never miss a good chance to shut up.

• The only ex I cheated on is my exam.

• Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio?

• All my bills say “Outstanding.” I guess I am good to go.

• I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

• My toxic trait is destroying my room every time I get dressed.

• The ‘E’ in my name stands for ‘Everything you need.’

Witty humor quotes

• I dunno how to flirt but I can insult you so nicely.

• Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

• Math is like Chinese to me.

• Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

• The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down, and so they decided to call it a day.

• I wish I loved exercise as much as I love napping 3 times a day and eating 5 times the suggested serving size.

• I’m trying to be awesome today, but I’m too exhausted from being so awesome yesterday.

• Just flipped my mattress, should have woken up my wife first.

• Hmm, that’s a bit too harsh. Let me put “lol” at the end of it.

• Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

Funny humor quotes remind us that laughter truly is the best medicine 💊😂. Whenever life throws a curveball ⚾, a good laugh can turn it into a hilarious story to tell later 📖. These gems brighten conversations 🗨️, lighten heavy moments 🌤️, and bring people closer together 🤗. Bookmark your favorites, share them with friends 👯‍♂️, and keep the good vibes rolling 🚀. Because at the end of the day, a good sense of humor makes everything a bit more bearable and a lot more fun 😆.