New funny humor quotes

• Writing cover letters feels soooo “Ever since I was a little boy, I knew I wanted to be an administrative assistant when I grew up.”

• Brother: What are you bringing to Thanksgiving dinner? Me: Wine and unresolved issues. They pair nicely.

• It’s the perfect time of year to focus on my indoor hobbies, like lying down in a dark room and feeling insane.

• Winter is actually awesome because if you put on a couple of movies at 5 p.m., it’s already pitch black and the evening is super long, so it feels like you’re staying up til 2 a.m., but in reality, it’s only 11 p.m. 10/10!

• Books are so cool because there are no bloody ads in them.

• You looked so beautiful and combative as we were detained for questioning.

• Y’all aren’t taking beautiful women to jazz clubs anymore, and that’s the problem.

• I’m so single right now that I stood on a cliff and shouted, “I love you,” and my echo replied, “I just wanna be friends.”

• You can generate images with your mind whenever you want. You don’t even need AI.

• I talk to one guy, and he wants to break my heart. I talk to five guys, and they all wanna take me seriously.

Top funny humor quotes

• Nosferatu 2024, Frankenstein 2025, and Werwulf 2026. I was born at exactly the right time.

• They’re selling me on Temu tomorrow.

• I get so flattered when butterflies or bees buzz around me. Like, sorry ladies, I’m not a flower, but it’s so sweet that you thought I was. Hehe.

• Sundays are no place for pants or responsibility.

• My favorite conspiracy theory is that everything is going to be OK.

• There is no reason to be a people pleaser. People are never pleased.

• This site could use some more people who like to argue about literally anything.

• Dear Black Friday… We all have big TVs now, put the groceries on sale.

• I automatically assume everyone finds me unattractive until they tell me otherwise, and then I assume that they are lying to make fun of me.

• People just don’t stop, collaborate, and listen like they used to.

Popular funny humor quotes

• Behind every great tweet is a person rolling their eyes.

• Imagine hating me, and I’m just over here talking baby talk to my plants.

• “You’re overthinking this!” Bro, I have anxiety. I have no other type of thinking available.

• “Unavailable” is my favorite state to be in.

• Twitter needs a button that’s “bring back that tweet I was just starting to read before you automatically refreshed.”

• Today, I used a wire I’ve kept in my box of cables since 2011. Please applaud.

• I hate when someone on a magazine cover stares at me while I eat.

• I can’t be bothered with people that can’t be bothered.

• Not now, kitten. Mommy’s destroying and betraying herself for nothing.

• “Why do I feel like shit all the time?” I ask myself, while staring into the flashlight that tells me bad news.

More funny humor quotes

• The best way to use Twitter will forever be as an observer.

• When someone sits in the empty seat beside you: flattered yet annoyed. When no one sits in the empty seat beside you: offended yet relieved.

• Remember when a series of unfortunate events was a book and not your life?

• Just waiting for my laundry to be done so I can pop it in the dryer and forget about it again.

• That moment when it’s January in a couple of weeks, and you realize you are still trying to lose weight from last January.

• “I’m depressed because there’s not enough cheese in this world to satisfy my hunger for it.”

• Paid my rent and slept in every room of my house this week, kitchen and laundry room next.

• I may be sensitive, but everyone else could be a little kinder, too.

• If you can figure out how to configure your default state to be slightly amused rather than slightly annoyed, you pretty much enter God Mode.

• Having a crush should be considered a form of self-harm.

Witty humor quotes

• And for my next trick, I’m going to miss you in a million unspoken ways.

• My husband loves when we fight, and I turn it into a limited series called And Another Thing.

• If you’ve never been hit with gay allegations, you’re not fly enough.

• Back to the Future and chill?

• Therapy? I have Spotify.

• They say half the battle of getting in shape is mental, so I thought about the gym really hard today.

• I saw an ad for the ultimate dog bed, but my dogs already have the ultimate dog bed. It’s called my bed.

• My dating era has come to an end. I’d like to thank those who participated.

• May I please come over and curl up in your lap like a cat?

• If you encounter a teenager out in the wild, be kind. They are the first generation of kids whose parents are cooler than they are.

Funny humor quotes remind us that laughter truly is the best medicine 💊😂. Whenever life throws a curveball ⚾, a good laugh can turn it into a hilarious story to tell later 📖. These gems brighten conversations 🗨️, lighten heavy moments 🌤️, and bring people closer together 🤗. Bookmark your favorites, share them with friends 👯‍♂️, and keep the good vibes rolling 🚀. Because at the end of the day, a good sense of humor makes everything a bit more bearable and a lot more fun 😆.