50+ Funny Joke Quotes That Will Keep You Laughing Nonstop

New funny joke quotes

• 
  To steal from one is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

  Commentary:
  Looks like I'm not plagiarizing—I'm just conducting highly extensive research! 📚🔍😅

• 
  No, don’t worry about him, babe. That’s just my soulmate.

  Commentary:
  Ending the search for Mr. Right because he's already parked in the friend zone! 😂🔍❤️

• 
  Seems like the mosquitoes swiped right on me.

  Commentary:
  "Guess I'm the hot new snack in town! 🦟❤️🍽️"

• 
  My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and I’m like, cool, can one of you reach the top shelf for me.

  Commentary:
  Looks like my milkshake comes with a side of free labor! 😂🥤💪

• 
  My girlfriend? You wouldn’t know her, she’s in a different data center.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like a high-latency relationship! 😂💻❤️

• 
  Just did several sets of some bullshit at the gym… no idea which muscles have been targeted.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like you're on the cutting edge of creating new muscle groups! 💪🤔🌀

• 
  This cannot be the cost of living after Jesus paid it all.

  Commentary:
  When the cost of living hits you like a rent invoice even Jesus couldn’t cover 🏦💸😅

• 
  I wanted to wear some hot lingerie, but didn’t have any, so I put on this red dental floss.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like you're ready to floss those fashion skills! 😜💃

• 
  “Is this a joke to you?” Unfortunately, everything is a little bit of a joke to me.

  Commentary:
  Everything's a joke, especially on Mondays 😅🤪 #LifeIsComedy

• 
  Drugs and alcohol take years off your life and give them to Keith Richards.

  Commentary:
  Keith Richards is basically time's favorite recycling project! ⏳🕺🍸

Top funny joke quotes

• 
  I bet she doesn’t even laugh at your dumb jokes the fake way I did.

  Commentary:
  You know it's true love when they're genuinely laughing at your puns instead of giving you that "oh dear" look! 😂💔

• 
  Anytime someone comments on my weight, I try to ignore them and keep my chins up.

  Commentary:
  Keeping my heads held high! 😂😆 #ChinUp #DoubleTheFun

• 
  If you say my name three times in the mirror, I show up and kiss you on the forehead.

  Commentary:
  Watch out, mirrors, it's forehead-kissing time! 😂💋👻

• 
  The first time I heard “big naturals,” I thought it referred to major outdoor landmarks such as the Grand Canyon or the Great Barrier Reef.

  Commentary:
  I was today years old when I realized 'big naturals' weren't part of National Geographic's top attractions 😂🌍🏞️

• 
  Why do men have birthdays? It’s not like they’re growing up.

  Commentary:
  Why bother with birthdays? They’re just annual reminders that men still can’t find matching socks! 🎉🧦🤦‍♂️

• 
  Sounds like you are suffering from a lack of vitamin Me.

  Commentary:
  Seems like you've got a deficiency! Don't worry, I'm available by prescription only 😂✨💊

• 
  Channeling my inner pretzel to achieve expert-level bad posture.

  Commentary:
  That's one way to twist your way to the top of the bad posture league! 🥨🪑😅

• 
  My kids asked me what games I used to play on my iPad as a kid. I told them I used to speak into a fan to sound like a robot.

  Commentary:
  I used to win every game of "blow-the-fan-away" with my expert robot voice skills! 🤖🌀😂

• 
  When you split a dessert, the waiter should bring two forks and one of those chess clocks you smack to let the other person know it’s their turn.

  Commentary:
  Counting calories and seconds! 🍰⏱️ Is it my turn yet? 🤔

• 
  “Devil’s advocate” implies the existence of heaven’s prosecutor.

  Commentary:
  Wonder if heaven's prosecutor gets paid in good karma or just really nice hugs 😂👼⚖️

Popular funny joke quotes

• 
  If there was a pill for procrastination… I’d probably take it tomorrow.

  Commentary:
  I'll save laughing at this for later 😂💊⏳

• 
  It’s always a huge relief when I’m reading a list of symptoms of a deadly disease, and it says unexplained weight loss.

  Commentary:
  Finally, a symptom I don’t have! 😅🍕 #StillWishingForThatOneThough

• 
  If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

  Commentary:
  When math jokes give you square roots, embrace your dark side! 😈➗📐

• 
  The main reason I got divorced was cause I got married.

  Commentary:
  Well, that escalated quickly! 🏃‍♂️💍➡️🏃‍♂️📜

• 
  Telling the cop I’ll give him his nose back if he lowers his firearm.

  Commentary:
  Trying to negotiate with a cop like they're a toddler – peak strategy! 👃🚔😅

• 
  “Thank you for choosing Amtrak.” No problem. There are no other trains.

  Commentary:
  Looks like I've got as many options as a cat in a dog park! 🚂😹

• 
  Might lay here until someone draws my chalk outline.

  Commentary:
  Trying out reverse body art: sketch me back to life! 🖍️✨🔄

• 
  Tweeting with no audience feels like screaming jokes into a cornfield.

  Commentary:
  Screaming my best jokes to corn stalks, at least they won’t judge or boo me! 🌽😂📢

• 
  After smartphones, we never got pictures of Bigfoot anymore. You know why? That’s right: 5G killed all the Bigfoots.

  Commentary:
  Guess even Bigfoot couldn't handle the upgrade 📱👀🦶🌲 #5GProblems

• 
  Crossing things off my to-do list… I didn’t do them, I just don’t want them on my list anymore.

  Commentary:
  Procrastination level: expert! 😂✏️🗑️

More funny joke quotes

• 
  Due to unforeskin circumcistances …

  Commentary:
  Looks like someone really cut to the chase! ✂️🤣

• 
  When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise housewarming party. Now I’m homeless.

  Commentary:
  Well, at least now you can say your social life is on fire! 🔥😄⛄️

• 
  The bowling ball actually hangs out with the pins after work. There isn’t beef there.

  Commentary:
  That's why they're always striking up a conversation! 🎳😂💬

• 
  Chuck Norris got shot. The bullet is in critical condition.

  Commentary:
  The bullet is now in a witness protection program! 😅🔫🕶️

• 
  Maybe making another financially irresponsible decision will fix me.

  Commentary:
  Time to solve all my problems with a little retail therapy and a big credit card bill 😅💳💸

• 
  Deja poo is when you feel like you’ve heard the same shit before.

  Commentary:
  Here we go again with the same old crap 💩😂 deja vu more like deja poo!

• 
  I’m so old that when I take a walk down memory lane, I get lost.

  Commentary:
  Lost in nostalgia traffic again! Guess I should have brought a GPS! 🗺️😂

• 
  Just pulled a Werther’s Original out of my pocket, like I’m 87 years old.

  Commentary:
  Werther's in the pocket: officially one cardigan away from being a grandparent 🤣👴🏼🍬

• 
  Thinking of starting a religion around cheese.

  Commentary:
  Holy cheese, I'm ready to Brie-lieve! 🧀🙏🤣

• 
  I love single sign-on because you only have to sign on once, 8 times a day.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like single sign-on needs a caffeine upgrade! ☕🔑😅

Witty joke quotes

• 
  This post is invisible, and only those going to Hell can see it.

  Commentary:
  Looks like I've got a one-way ticket! 😈👀🔥

• 
  If I wore a mood ring, it would probably explode immediately.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like your mood ring needs a fire extinguisher on standby! 🔥💍😆

• 
  Opening a bakery and calling it “I’m a crepe. I’m a weird dough.”

  Commentary:
  This bakery name has me rolling in dough-ughter! 🥐😂🍞

• 
  IP address? You mean the bathroom?

  Commentary:
  When the tech support says "IP conflict," and you're just trying to avoid a bathroom queue! 🚽😂

• 
  Fasted for 72 hours and gained the ability to whisper to bats.

  Commentary:
  Not my first choice for a superpower, but at least the bat gossip is *batty* fabulous! 🦇🗣️😂

• 
  Whoever said, “Laughter is the best medicine,” clearly never tried Revenge.

  Commentary:
  Revenge may be sweet, but laughter doesn't come with jail time! 😄🔨

• 
  AI could never steal company time the way I do.

  Commentary:
  That's because AI takes breaks faster than a coffee machine on Fridays! ☕🤖

• 
  I lied, there is no sex. You’re helping me repot plants.

  Commentary:
  Well, I guess we're getting dirty one way or another! 🌱😂🪴

• 
  They say white people don’t have their own culture, but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog, and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

  Commentary:
  I can't wait for the bark-mitzvah next! 🎉🐶💥

• 
  Horror movies should add bloopers, so after watching the main film, you’ll be able to sleep.

  Commentary:
  Imagine the bloopers are scarier than the movie! 😂👻🎬