New funny joke quotes

• Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

• If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.

• I will be posting telepathically on all social media today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.

• Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

• Once you start paying rent, every joke stops being funny.

• A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

• I have lots of hidden talents. The problem is, even I can’t find them.

• The ‘E’ in my name stands for ‘Everything you need.’

• Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

• If you don’t laugh at my jokes then I will.

Top funny joke quotes

• My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

• A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is glucose guardian.

• And for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

• Treat me like a joke and I’ll leave you like it’s funny.

• Spotify has got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.

• My phone screen is brighter than my future.

• 4 out 3 people struggle with math.

• Why does the dentist have to take an x-ray of my teeth? They right there, bro!

• If you don’t realize that you’re a werewolf, then you’re actually an unawarewolf.

• I appreciate the interest, but I’m officially removing myself from the running to be the next James Bond. Thank you for your understanding.

Popular funny joke quotes

• Doggy style means I get a treat afterwards, right?

• Am I just an Untitled Document to you?

• Unlocking new levels of iron deficiency.

• If porn damages your brain, and writing develops your brain, does writing porn even it out?

• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice? Also shame on you. Stop foolin’ me, I am pure.

• I remember when my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? And I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.

• Oh, gross. I didn’t know there was protein in this powder. I was only drinking it for the lead.

• Overthinkaholic!

• Any room can be a rage room if you just give me a minute.

• This post is invisible, and only heathens can see it.

More funny joke quotes

• Rap fell off when literacy stopped being a requirement.

• Good things take time, that’s why I’m always late.

• Girl, I’m bored. Let’s start drinking the daily recommended 10-15 cups of water.

• Next time I die, I’m going to make sure I’m reincarnated someplace other than Earth.

• “Your password is too weak.” OK, well, I created him in my image.

• I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen what happens when they get elected.

• Please congratulate me on my cool new position! It is the fetal position; I will be in it for a while.

• I love when people start getting filler, and instead of looking younger, it’s just like okay, your face is getting really, really big in all directions.

• Bugs have so many legs to make up for their lack of personality.

• Go ahead and use that semi-colon; no one will know you’re doing it wrong.

Witty joke quotes

• In a relationship with my bedroom fan.

• My bra isn’t just padded — it’s also filled with cookie and chip crumbs.

• We really do need a separate grocery store for people who’ve been on Earth before.

• There’s no way you could go all the way through the desert on a horse with no name, you’d have named it by the end.

• At this point, if I get picked up by aliens, I’m just gonna go ahead and consider it a rescue mission instead of an abduction.

• One of the voices in my head brought up an excellent point, so obviously he had to go.

• I hate to break it to you, guys, but my husband says you’re not real. He just called you my imaginary friends.

• When the salesman from the hearing aid company calls, I stay on the line and answer every question with ‘What?’

• I had a sex dream last night that felt so real, I’m just gonna go ahead and add it to my body count.

• I see from the back of your car that you have found Jesus, but not your turn signal.

Funny joke quotes prove that laughter really is the best medicine 💊😂. A simple joke can turn a bad day around 🌧️, spark a conversation 🗨️, or make a room burst into laughter 🤣. These witty lines remind us to embrace the lighter side of life 🌤️ and to never underestimate the power of a perfectly timed punchline 🥊. Keep these jokes handy 📱, share them with friends 👯‍♀️, and let the good vibes roll 🚀 — because the world can always use a bit more laughter! 😄