50+ Funny Just Quotes That Perfectly Sum Up Life’s Little Moments

New funny just quotes

• 
  Type of person to take the long way home just to listen to more music.

  Commentary:
  This is me pretending I'm the star of a music video, making every detour worth it! 🎶🚗🎤✨

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs.
  • We should start referring to age as “levels.” So when you’re level 80, it sounds a lot cooler than just being an older person.
  • My taste in music ranges from “You’ve gotta listen to this” to “I know, please don’t judge me.”
  • Listen to the birds, not the news.
  • I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point.
• 
  Sorry for being socially awkward. It’s just that I’m socially awkward.

  Commentary:
  Social skills loading… please wait… ⌛🤔😂

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • You’re not lazy, you’re just buffering in HD.
  • If a man says he’ll fix it, he will fix it. There’s no need to remind him every six months.
  • God, is there anything worse than when someone wants to show you a video?
  • We need an app where introverts can pay extroverts to make phone calls for them.
  • I haven’t been with anyone in 3 years. I feel sorry for my next boyfriend. He might not make it through the day.
• 
  I just found out I have to go on dates to get a boyfriend. I’m sick to my stomach.

  Commentary:
  Dating: the only time stomach butterflies are both romantic and a symptom of illness 🤦‍♀️🦋

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • I miss having that butterfly feeling. People give me roach vibes at this point.
  • The human brain is great. It works from the second you are born and stops as soon as you start liking someone.
  • You just can’t live a full life on an empty stomach.
  • It’s always a huge relief when I’m reading a list of symptoms of a deadly disease, and it says unexplained weight loss.
  • How to have flat stomach: remove all of your organs.
• 
  I miss when YouTubers would just record for, like, 20 minutes, and upload the whole thing completely unedited.

  Commentary:
  Ah, the good old days of raw chaos and unintentional jump scares in every video! 🎥😂📼

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Don’t scare me, I fart easily.
  • Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
  • I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point.
  • We should start referring to age as “levels.” So when you’re level 80, it sounds a lot cooler than just being an older person.
  • Remember when downloading a song in under 5 minutes was considered progress?
• 
  I’m not lazy, I’m just highly selective about what I suffer for.

  Commentary:
  Suffering is out, selective relaxation is in! 😎🛋️✨

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
  • I don’t drink alcohol. I like suffering raw.
  • Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer the term selective participation.
  • Most people don’t listen at all, they just wait until they can continue talking.
  • Just once I’d like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear “Monday has been cancelled,” and then go back to sleep.
• 
  I can show you the stars, we just have to stand up really fast.

  Commentary:
  Zooming to space without a rocket! 🚀🤯✨

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • My boss told me “It’s not rocket science.” Yeah, almost everything that exists is not rocket science.
  • If I were a billionaire, I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
  • Guys, please stop wearing NASA shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs.
  • I feel so bad when I overtake an old person on the sidewalk. Like, man, I really didn’t mean to flex on you with my youthful stride.
  • A pretty girl like me should be in the sky, sitting on a star.
• 
  I hate texting. Just hunt me like an animal.

  Commentary:
  Why text when you can just unleash your inner tracker instead? 🐾🎯🐻

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Please pray for my husband, he’s struggling to find me.
  • Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
  • How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
  • I now also have a device that tells me whether I’ve taken enough steps today. If I don’t make it one day, it barks and poops in my apartment.
  • Before you beef with me, just know I’m deeply malicious to my core once upset.
• 
  The adult in the room just addressed the elephant in the room.

  Commentary:
  Looks like the elephant's been promoted to team mascot! 🐘🎉

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice. Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.
  • After an hour on this team meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore.
  • Is the elephant in the room with us right now?
  • Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
  • Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that to my many personalities.
• 
  I used to really want to be understood. Now I mainly just want things like snacks and juice.

  Commentary:
  Snacks and juice: the ultimate life goals! 🍪🥤 Who needs deep conversations when you have cookies?

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Capri Sun tastes as if scientists had bet that they could make fruit juice without fruit.
  • For Thanksgiving don’t ask me about my life, just pass me the bottle.
  • If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa, you get a Jason Mimosa.
  • Mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
  • I don’t want to adult today, I just want to dog. I’ll be lying down on the floor in the sun, you can pet me and bring me some snacks.
• 
  And today, just like every day, I learned something new . . . but I’m old, so I forgot what it was already.

  Commentary:
  Growing older: gaining wisdom points but with a high chance of memory wipe! 🧠✨🙃

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • The only thing I gained so far this year is weight.
  • The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
  • Hey (with the intention of making you forget everyone who came before me).
  • Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you wanted.
  • Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice. Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.

Top funny just quotes

• 
  Everything’s under control. I just don’t know whose.

  Commentary:
  Looks like the universe is freelancing as my project manager! 🤔😂🌌

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
  • People with ADHD be like “I can’t fry an egg, I got too much going on”.
  • Watching a movie and subtitles not syncing is low-key pain.
  • Born to say “Who the hell raised you to be this stupid.” Forced to work in groups.
  • Listen to the birds, not the news.
• 
  Just realized doors really are floating in the air 24/7. I don’t like that.

  Commentary:
  Mind blown! 🚪✨ Who knew every door was practicing levitation this whole time? 😂

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Every citizen over 18 should be eligible to be drafted into the Postal Service.
  • I have a complicated relationship with push/pull doors.
  • I went to a mind reader. She almost went mad.
  • Confession: If you’ve ever been in a revolving door with me, I was only pretending to push.
  • Just had a crazy revelation: you can eat in the airport after your flight, too.
• 
  I’m broke in Monopoly, and my husband just asked if I want to earn $100.

  Commentary:
  Looks like it's time to pull out the old "house chores for board game cash" strategy! 🧹💰😂

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly.
  • I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
  • Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys.
  • Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
  • Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
• 
  I just wanna buy $16 worth of a meme coin and sell it for $2.6M two weeks later.

  Commentary:
  Dream big or go home, right? 💸🚀🤣

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • People say “go big or go home” like going home is a bad thing. Heck yeah, I want to go home, and I’ll have a nap when I get there.
  • Me, having zero balance in my account, viewing houses worth 10 million, and being like, “No, I don’t like the kitchen.”
  • Listen to the birds, not the news.
  • When someone asks me what my dream job is, it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
  • Me: “I should treat myself to something.” My bank account: “Dream on.”
• 
  Before you beef with me, just know I’m deeply malicious to my core once upset.

  Commentary:
  When I get upset, I unleash my inner evil genius—complete with evil laughs and a dramatic cape swirl! 👿🦹‍♂️💥

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Whatever you do today, do it with the confidence of a 4-year old wearing a Batman cape.
  • I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch.
  • I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
  • They say we learn from our mistakes, that’s why I’m making as many as possible. Soon I’ll be a genius.
  • The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
• 
  They should invent a grocery store that’s just for me and no one else.

  Commentary:
  Finally, a place where my shopping cart and I can practice social distancing 😄🛒✨

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • I like online shopping and putting everything I want in a cart, then checking my subtotal and laughing and closing the tab.
  • Grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk.
  • Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
  • There should be significant punishments for people at the grocery store with no spatial awareness.
  • They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
• 
  Crazy to think the average Zoomer male just works, watches porn, and plays video games. That’s it. That’s their whole life.

  Commentary:
  Living the ultimate "work, play, repeat" lifestyle, one level at a time! 🎮💼😂

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
  • Video games are great. They let you try out your craziest fantasies. For example, on The Sims, you can have a job and a house.
  • The reward for doing really good work is more work.
  • Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a cool motorcycle. Also, here’s a cool piano.”
  • Married life: Telling your partner the same sentence 7 days in a row, only for him to say, “You definitely never told me that!”
• 
  It’s finally actually Saturday after just thinking it was Saturday every day for the last five days.

  Commentary:
  When your calendar finally agrees with your wild imagination 😉📅🎉

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Asian girl at tech company: Wow, everyone here is so friendly.
  • Life hack: Allow yourself 8–12 hours of alone time every morning to prepare for the day.
  • According to my chocolate advent calendar, tomorrow is Christmas.
  • If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano.
  • Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
• 
  If I were a higher power, and people were doing evil in my name, I’d probably stop it … but that’s just me.

  Commentary:
  When your job description as a higher power includes "hands-off management style" 😂🙌 #NotMyName

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Interviewer: “What did you learn from your previous job?” Me: “That I need a new job.”
  • If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.
  • By the power vested in me by Facebook, I now pronounce you unfriended and restricted. You may now kiss my butt.
  • I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job, like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.
  • I will not stop replying with gifs. I am a Millennial, it’s my birthright.
• 
  You ever cleaned a room in your house so good that you walked out… just to walk back in to see your work?

  Commentary:
  The only thing more satisfying than a clean room is reliving the magic with every grand re-entrance. 🧹✨🚪

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
  • If I ever experience an earthquake, my first thought will probably be it’s Godzilla.
  • One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched a surgery.
  • Any room can be a panic room if you just give me a second.
  • An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

Popular funny just quotes

• 
  Just took off my daytime sweatpants and put on my nighttime sweatpants.

  Commentary:
  The ultimate transformation ritual starts at the waistband! 🕺😂🩳🛌

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Let’s play a game called you bring me food and I eat it.
  • And for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
  • I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words. “Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
  • My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
  • The masculine urge to hitch your pants up after making a minor decision.
• 
  The more secure you want my computer password to be, the more guaranteed I am to just write it on a very not secure post-it note.

  Commentary:
  My password security system: Fort Knox-level password, post-it note-level secrecy! 🔐📝😅

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • I will never trust a cake transport box enough to just hold it by the handle.
  • You gotta be careful: don’t say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.
  • I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist, and inside… my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
  • Sometimes I’ll do a random act of kindness, like keeping my mouth shut, for example.
  • As president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password.
• 
  Why do babies cry when they are tired? Like, just go to sleep, bro, no one is stopping you.

  Commentary:
  Babies need an off switch like TVs 🎛️📺 Just click, and they're snoozing! 😴😆

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • That awkward moment when someone gets angry at you for clicking a pen, but you have to click it one more time to use it.
  • Of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centers around them being eaten.
  • Babysitting a pair of twin babies right now and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane”. I don’t know, just feels weird.
  • I admire how, when babies don’t want to hold something anymore, they just drop it.
  • What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
• 
  The funniest thing about 28 Years Later is that the rest of the world just went “Uhm, anyway!” and carried on as normal, while the Brits live in hell.

  Commentary:
  28 years later, and they're still waiting for their apology letter from the universe 😂🎢🇬🇧

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
  • If she says “it’s fine,” you’re probably in trouble.
  • My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
  • Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America.
  • Later is the best time to do anything.
• 
  Just realised if I have a kid, they’re likely to see the year 2100… WTF?

  Commentary:
  Looks like your future kid is gonna have front-row seats to the next century’s chaos! 🎟️👶🚀

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • My kid tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
  • I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but I do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so I can hear better.
  • Eat whatever you want. If someone calls you fat, eat them too.
  • When I try to figure out rows vs. columns, I just row away in my boat of confusion!
  • I never oversleep in the mornings. I set an alarm and a back-up alarm. Plus, there’s also a noisy kid once those fail.
• 
  Bro, you will never rewatch that 7-minute video you took of fireworks. Just live in the moment.

  Commentary:
  Ah yes, the 7-minute memory card filler! 🎇🎥 You're basically Spielberg now, but without the audience. 😂📱

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
  • Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice. Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.
  • Forgot how fun it is to post IG stories. I feel like a female filmmaker.
  • A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
  • The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
• 
  I had a healthy appendix removed, just to show the other organs that I will not tolerate any bullshit.

  Commentary:
  Who knew the appendix was the first organ to be voted off the island? 🤨🏝️ #AppendixEviction

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Are you my appendix? Cause you seem kind of useless to me.
  • When I was in elementary school, we learned about a shape called a rhombus, and that was the last time I ever heard about that shape ever again.
  • Some people believe the appendix is a vestigial organ, that its use has long since passed. I think it’s primordial. Its use has yet to come.
  • If people continue to behave so badly, I will donate my organs to an animal shelter.
  • Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
• 
  Don’t throw a relationship away just because you don’t agree with their choices, unless they wear Crocs, then it’s okay.

  Commentary:
  When it comes to relationships, we should stand by our partners—until they stand in Crocs! 👟😆🚫

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Gonna run this by my two best friends who are as insane as I am.
  • He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
  • You’re not lazy, you’re just buffering in HD.
  • Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.
  • Listen to the birds, not the news.
• 
  One day you’ll meet that amazing person who just gets you, and they won’t text you back either.

  Commentary:
  Finally, someone who understands my texting style! 😂📵✨

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • I want to text this person, but I need to have shame and self-respect.
  • If I text you at 8:10, you’re supposed to reply at 8:09.
  • I would pay extra for a dental hygienist who was comfortable with silence.
  • A real smart TV would increase the volume when you started eating chips.
  • Being a girl must be so easy. All you do is cry all day and text 10 different guys.
• 
  The homie who’s ultimately just a pawn in your grand scheme.

  Commentary:
  When your buddy thinks they're playing chess but they're actually just the first domino 😂♟️🔄

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Just imagine if farting were as contagious as yawning.
  • If you ever feel like a failure, just remember, Domino’s tried to open pizza chains in Italy.
  • When you’re using Grok, the A in Al just stands for Adolf.
  • The best thing about dogs is you can act like something really good just happened, and they’ll instantly start celebrating too. They have no idea what the context is; they’re just always ready to party, no matter what.
  • When a woman texts you three questions, you should only answer one. She will love that.

More funny just quotes

• 
  I slept for 11 hours last night, just wanted everyone with kids to know that.

  Commentary:
  When sleep is a marathon and I just won the gold medal 🏅😴🎉

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • I had a marvelous time ruining everything.
  • “Nah.” – everyone with an office job, from the Monday after Thanksgiving until January 2nd.
  • It’s the weekend, so naturally, I’m going to spend 48 hours doing nothing, and still be exhausted.
  • I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
  • I finally got 8 hours of sleep. Took me four days, but whatever.
• 
  That’s just brainslop. You only came up with that by thinking.

  Commentary:
  Mind soup alert! Somebody's been overcooking their thoughts again! 🧐🤯🍲

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life, I’ll be notified immediately.
  • I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
  • There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
  • A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
  • Miso soup is such a silly name, like “Yes, you so soup.”
• 
  Damn, I just realized that the future idealized version of myself can’t exist without current me being the catalyst for change and doing hard things.

  Commentary:
  Guess I'm stuck with current me as my sidekick on this hero's journey! 🦸‍♂️💪🤣

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Please respond to my telepathic messages.
  • Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends.
  • Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I never wanted to download the Microsoft Authenticator app on my personal phone to access every professional platform necessary to do my job.
  • It’s lowkey nothing else to do except become a better version of yourself, lol.
  • Listen to the birds, not the news.
• 
  Every Stranger Things scene is just a guy in a wig being like, ‘We have to stop them.’

  Commentary:
  When you realize the Upside Down is just a bad hair day away from world domination! 😆👨‍🦱🔄

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head.
  • The Princess and the Pea, except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day.
  • Hair is washed. I am finally lovable and capable of loving again.
  • I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
  • Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
• 
  Sometimes I glance over at my boyfriend, and he’s just looking at Google Maps, scrolling around.

  Commentary:
  When your boyfriend's sense of adventure means exploring virtual streets instead of taking out the trash 🗺️🤣🗑️

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Finally it’s Friday and I can go out. I’m putting the garbage out and I’ll be right back.
  • Taking action is my least favorite thing to take.
  • Boyfriends come and go… reply guys stay forever. Against your will, even.
  • Girl to girl: Please have at least two boyfriends.
  • Is this art or trash?
• 
  I sexually identify as a microwave dinner, because I am ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.

  Commentary:
  Heat me up and let's hope I don't explode like last time! 🔥😅🍽️

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • The real reason for global warming is that today’s young people are nowhere near as cool as we were back then.
  • According to the web, caffeine deficiency is a life threatening condition for people around you.
  • What doesn’t kill you makes you wish it did.
  • As long as I’m alive, I can begin again and again and again, again and again and again, again and again and again.
  • Remember when downloading a song in under 5 minutes was considered progress?
• 
  Kind of miraculous how much love can be summoned and how much your day can be improved by just looking at an animal and saying stuff in a weird voice.

  Commentary:
  It's amazing how a goofy voice and a furball can turn anyone into Dr. Doolittle on happy pills! 🐶😄🐱

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
  • Voice messages. Just call, goddamnit!
  • You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
  • I feel like my greatest accomplishment today has been not saying what I’m thinking out loud.
  • We need an app where introverts can pay extroverts to make phone calls for them.
• 
  No rizz, just pretty eyes and many unsettling things to say.

  Commentary:
  I'm just here to dazzle you with my eyes while I casually mention that I can recite the entire periodic table backwards. 🤓👀🔍

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Asked a German woman why Germany produced so many legendary physicists / mathematicians, and her response was basically, “Have you considered educating people who aren’t rich?”
  • Instead of calling it the John I’m going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
  • Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
  • When the client says: “make it pop”, I have to ask myself whether he means my mind or the project.
  • Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you.
• 
  I don’t need a maid. I just need someone to tell me once a week that they’re coming to visit, and I’ll panic-clean my entire house in less than an hour.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like the secret to a spotless home is pretending you're always expecting surprise guests! 🧹🏃‍♂️🙈

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
  • In an effort to keep our house clean before Thanksgiving, I’ve asked my family to go live somewhere else.
  • It’s amazing how much I accomplish around the house right before someone is coming over.
  • If my house is clean, just know I yelled at everyone for two hours first.
  • I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
• 
  Polish girls are just winter Latinas.

  Commentary:
  Like snowflakes with salsa moves! ❄️💃🇵🇱

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdos were all grabby and dancing around.
  • Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
  • Apparently, the job interviewer doesn’t like it when your biggest weakness is beautiful Latinas.
  • Is Mercury in reggaeton?
  • Listen to the birds, not the news.

Witty just quotes

• 
  I hate interviewing. Just hire me. I stand on business, for real.

  Commentary:
  When they ask me about my skills, I just tell them I’m fluent in sarcasm and can nap with unmatched diligence 😂💼 #HiredYet?

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • If she replies to your sarcasm with more sarcasm, that’s a whole life.
  • My level of sarcasm’s gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
  • Me (young, naive): “I hope something good happens.” Me (now): “I hope whatever bad happens is at least funny.”
  • There’s nothing that I hate more than a failed nap attempt.
  • I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
• 
  Explaining myself is too much work. Please just judge me.

  Commentary:
  Judging me is more fun than a soap opera marathon 📺😂👀

  Related Funny Posts 🤝

  • Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
  • Please text me back. I’m about to start making stuff up in my head, and the stuff is all bad.
  • Explaining myself is too much work, just judge me.
  • Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do, and somehow we must all watch videos of it.
  • Men be like, yes, I hurt you, but now you hate me, so I am the true victim.
• 
  Asking women for sex just to end the conversation.

  Commentary:
  Well, that's one way to make sure they run faster than your WiFi connection during a Zoom call! 📡🏃‍♀️💨

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  • If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting, I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
  • I’m putting free wifi on my gravestone, so people will come visit me.
  • Me: This show is really boring. Boss: Again, this a zoom conference.
  • The day they handed out patience, I left because it was taking too long.
  • Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
• 
  If you ever wanted to know anything about me, just get me a bottle of wine, and you will, in fact, find out in about 10 minutes.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like a truth serum with a grape-y twist! 🍷😄

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  • You don’t know a person until you’ve seen them eat popcorn.
  • I say things I don’t mean on spicy chicken.
  • No wine. No peace. Know wine. Know peace.
  • If I ever go missing, please print my picture on wine bottles and not on milk boxes. My friends are more likely to find me then.
  • The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes.
• 
  Microsoft: Before you sign in, we need to send you a code. Also, Microsoft: OMG, was that you that requested a code? Also, Microsoft: OMG, someone just signed in to your account.

  Commentary:
  Microsoft's paranoia level: Jedi Master 🧙‍♂️🔒🤖

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  • Not to brag but I always pick the slowest moving checkout line at the grocery store.
  • My life goal is to make you feel as awkward or awesome as you are making me feel.
  • A woman’s way of flirting is thinking about you until you get the urge to reach out to her.
  • When I say I like when older men tell me what to do, I am talking about Yoda and his teachings.
  • My superpower is wasting time I don’t even have.
• 
  Just shaved my whole body for Santa.

  Commentary:
  Looks like you're ready for a spot on Santa's sleek reindeer team! 🦌🎅✨

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  • Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
  • After an hour on this team meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore.
  • Imagine falling in love and then finding out that they put antlers on their car for the holidays.
  • The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
  • Eating cookies left for Santa because the cowboy was a no show.
• 
  Just found out my 84-year-old neighbour is on his own tomorrow, so I’ve just been over to collect his spare chairs to borrow.

  Commentary:
  😂👏 Taking "being neighborly" to a whole new level! Who said borrowing sugar was enough? 🍭💺

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  • Taking action is my least favorite thing to take.
  • Asking for a cigarette, then adding it to my own pack.
  • Every once in a while, I go outside and run the vacuum cleaner on the driveway, just to make sure the neighbors never talk to me.
  • The neighbor sneezes loudly from the balcony. And because I’m a polite person, I shout loudly: Disgusting!
  • Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
• 
  I smile at all animals, just not the human ones.

  Commentary:
  Guess it's time to develop my inner purring skills to get some smiles 😂🐾

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  • I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before.
  • With a cat on your lap, you deal better with the crap.
  • Imagine having someone to come home to who doesn’t have fur.
  • I need to hire someone to just constantly slap food out of my hand.
  • I love it when strangers smile at me and I smile back, and we have that nice stranger smiling moment.
• 
  Do cats have a sense of causation between grooming themselves and coughing up hairballs, or do they think it’s just an annoying separate thing which just happens to them sometimes?

  Commentary:
  Cats must think hairballs are the universe's surprise gifts—one minute you're clean, next minute you're saying "thanks, but no thanks" to a fur ball! 😹🎁

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  • It’s funny how cats have ears on top of their head, but don’t use them.
  • The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
  • Japanese cats answering the phone be like, “Meowshi meowshi.”
  • I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me. Like wow, okay, pay my mortgage then.
  • I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow.
• 
  Why do humans need jobs? Why can’t I just exist and make art and chill with my cat?

  Commentary:
  I’m totally ready for the universe to hire me as a full-time cat cuddler and artistic daydreamer! 🎨🐱✨

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  • I need a job where I don’t actually have to work.
  • Listen to the birds, not the news.
  • When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
  • It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
  • I need to hire someone to just constantly slap food out of my hand.