50+ Funny Marriage Quotes That Prove Wedded Bliss Is Hilarious Chaos

New funny marriage quotes

• Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn-on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud,’ but they will be, oh, they will be.

• A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

• Why would I get married when it’s a well-known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

• There are two types of people: those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other.

• 89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great, what he really means is, “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

• Had calamari for the first time ever, and it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’ll try marriage next.

• Of course, a wife can complain to her mother-in-law. She has every right to complain to the manufacturer.

• For my next trick, I’ll need a divorce lawyer.

• When my husband says, “Let me ask my wife,” he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

• Marriage tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing the lawn.

Top funny marriage quotes

• My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets, and now I’ll never eat again.

• Turns out the honeymoon phase lasts forever when you pick the right partner.

• Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

• My husband needs a hearing aid, but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

• I’ll marry the person who can go to a family event with me and still like me afterward.

• Not to brag, but my wife just described the dinner I made as “interesting.”

• Divorcing my wife to focus on my porn addiction.

• I can’t wait to get married so I can bring home unnecessary stuff and get yelled at for it.

• Marry the man who treats your dumb questions like they’re NASA-level problems.

• I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

Popular funny marriage quotes

• If you want to make your mother proud, make her my mother-in-law.

• Wife is temporary. Being the hot EX is forever.

• If a man speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?

• I will marry a man who treats me delicately as if I’m a gift straight from heaven.

• Marriage is 33.3% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

• The only person I ever call is my wife, and that’s just when we’re trying to find her phone.

• The worst part about working from home is that your real husband is also your work husband.

• One downside of marrying a doctor is you have to give up eating apples.

• Marriage is for life. But when that was first said, life was shorter.

• My best friend is married and buying a house. I ate popcorn for dinner.

More funny marriage quotes

• When I turned into the harbor of marriage, I didn’t know that a warship was anchored there.

• I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

• The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

• Marriage is like a phone call at the night: First there’s the ring, and then you wake up.

• If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

• When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

• Imagine marrying an old man for money and you die first.

• I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

• Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years. Then we met.

• I got all my marriage skills from watching Al Bundy.

Witty marriage quotes

• You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example, I learned I should have married someone else.

• I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

• Threatening my wife with a tariff every time she makes fun of me.

• Dating is so overrated. Let’s just get married.

• I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis.

• Doctors diagnosed me as your future wife.

• Statistically speaking, people don’t object enough at weddings.

• Misses Claus only married Santa because of his big sack.

• You don’t scare me, I was married once.

• A few months after the wedding, Cinderella’s husband began to complain about her having too many shoes.

Funny marriage quotes remind us that while marriage is built on love 💕, it thrives on humor 😂. Whether it’s finishing each other’s sentences incorrectly 📝, passive-aggressive thermostat wars 🌡️, or arguing over where to eat for the 100th time 🍽️, married life delivers endless comedy gold 🤣. These quotes are perfect for anyone who knows that laughter is just as important as love in any marriage 🙃. So embrace the quirks, enjoy the banter, and keep laughing your way through happily ever after 🤪!