50+ Funny Marriage Quotes That Prove Wedded Bliss Is Hilarious Chaos

New funny marriage quotes

• Getting a wife is very powerful, because you get a personal psychic that will tell you things like, “Your keys are in the gray pants in the hamper,” and “He will ultimately betray you.”

• Marriage is so scary. What do you mean I can’t have my own room?

• The best part about being married is having a permanent person to debrief with immediately after any social event.

• “I’m interested in the divorce rate for couples who sleep in queen versus king beds.”

• Before marriage, I would sit at a stoplight for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.

• I don’t question my wife’s choices because I’m one of them.

• Forget cheating, that’s young people’s shit. I’m ready to get married and have an affair.

• My wife just pulled me into the other room, and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk, but she just wanted to give me M&M’s without the kids seeing.

• Every marriage has a personality hire, and then someone who knows how insurance works.

• My husband loves when we fight, and I turn it into a limited series called And Another Thing.

Top funny marriage quotes

• There is literally no rule that says you have to get married and start a family. Normalize splitting a mansion with your five best friends and ten dogs.

• Marriage is where you gasp while your husband is driving, and he gets super annoyed over and over.

• When I get married, I want my wedding video to be filmed like it’s an episode of The Office. I want camera zooms, eye contact, side commentary— all of it.

• “I’ll run it by the boss” is one of the peak boomerisms you can say as a married man. It feels electric.

• A marriage is about solving problems together, you know, those problems you wouldn’t have if you were single.

• Why is everyone’s main goal to get married and have kids? Like, don’t you guys want to do drugs in foreign countries?

• Our parents are going to be shocked when they find out that most of us are serious about not getting married.

• My future husband is probably enjoying a nice summer with his first wife… but the seeds of discontent are there.

• I’m not “dating to marry” or “dating for fun.” I’m dating for a secret third reason.

• Free marriage tip: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she is mowing the lawn.

Popular funny marriage quotes

• After you’ve been married a long time, you become able to communicate nonverbally. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s why we never speak.

• Let’s just call ourselves divorced now and skip the stressful, expensive bit in the middle.

• I wanna marry someone funnier than me, but sadly, I am the funniest.

• My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do when I sing, “Someday My Prince Will Come,” while I’m cleaning.

• My husband is trying to convince me that we’re in a situationship. “The situation is that we live in the same house and love each other.”

• Unpopular opinion: a honeymoon is more needed 5 to 10 years down the road, versus right after getting married.

• Marriage! Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

• Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn-on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud,’ but they will be, oh, they will be.

• A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

• Why would I get married when it’s a well-known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

More funny marriage quotes

• There are two types of people: those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other.

• 89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great, what he really means is, “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

• Had calamari for the first time ever, and it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’ll try marriage next.

• Of course, a wife can complain to her mother-in-law. She has every right to complain to the manufacturer.

• For my next trick, I’ll need a divorce lawyer.

• When my husband says, “Let me ask my wife,” he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

• Marriage tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing the lawn.

• My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets, and now I’ll never eat again.

• Turns out the honeymoon phase lasts forever when you pick the right partner.

• Sex before marriage is a sin unless you do it doggy style, because all dogs go to heaven. Follow me for more biblical loopholes.

Witty marriage quotes

• Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

• My husband needs a hearing aid, but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

• I’ll marry the person who can go to a family event with me and still like me afterward.

• Not to brag, but my wife just described the dinner I made as “interesting.”

• Divorcing my wife to focus on my porn addiction.

• I can’t wait to get married so I can bring home unnecessary stuff and get yelled at for it.

• Marry the man who treats your dumb questions like they’re NASA-level problems.

• I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

• If you want to make your mother proud, make her my mother-in-law.

• Wife is temporary. Being the hot EX is forever.

Funny marriage quotes remind us that while marriage is built on love 💕, it thrives on humor 😂. Whether it’s finishing each other’s sentences incorrectly 📝, passive-aggressive thermostat wars 🌡️, or arguing over where to eat for the 100th time 🍽️, married life delivers endless comedy gold 🤣. These quotes are perfect for anyone who knows that laughter is just as important as love in any marriage 🙃. So embrace the quirks, enjoy the banter, and keep laughing your way through happily ever after 🤪!