50+ Funny Marriage Quotes That Prove Wedded Bliss Is Hilarious Chaos

New funny marriage quotes

• 
  Marriage is scary, what if he doesn’t want our house to look like my Pinterest board.

  Commentary:
  Just imagine he suggests a couch without 37 decorative pillows 🛋️😱📌

• 
  The main reason I got divorced was cause I got married.

  Commentary:
  Well, that escalated quickly! 🏃‍♂️💍➡️🏃‍♂️📜

• 
  My husband clearly believes that chairs just magically push themselves back in.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like your chairs are on an invisible workout program! 🪑💪✨

• 
  I’m 27 and a half. I should be on my first divorce by now.

  Commentary:
  Counting the days until I can add "divorce party planner" to my resume! 😂💔🎉

• 
  70% of marriage is yelling “What” from a different room.

  Commentary:
  Is it really love if you don't have to use your best dolphin impression to scream "What?" across the house? 😂🔊🏠

• 
  My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now, when she’s mad at me, I just say, “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”

  Commentary:
  Looks like Linda is my new imaginary marriage counselor! 😂💍🤷‍♂️

• 
  Let’s get married and have kids, so instead of relaxing during weeknights, we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

  Commentary:
  Math homework and carpooling: unlocking the true potential of 'me time' 😂🔢🚗

• 
  I don’t think I’d get married again, but I would like to annoy someone until one of us is dead.

  Commentary:
  Perfect! My therapist says I need new hobbies anyway! 😂💍🪦

• 
  Ask a man what a good woman is, and watch him describe a slave.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like someone needs to update their definition app! 😂🕵️‍♀️🔍

• 
  Marriage is just asking each other, “What do you want to do for dinner?” and then replying, “No, not that,” until death do us part.

  Commentary:
  Navigating dinner plans in marriage: the ultimate test of patience and menu negotiation skills 🍽️🧐💑

Top funny marriage quotes

• 
  “I’m not jealous of nobody but stay-at-home wives who are married to wealthy men.”

  Commentary:
  Living the dream: chores in paradise with a limitless credit card! 💸🧺🍹

• 
  Fun fact: the creator of Barbie and the creator of Hot Wheels were husband and wife.

  Commentary:
  So they had both dolls and horsepower in the family! Talk about a match made in toy heaven. 🚗👠💕

• 
  I don’t know what kind of sex makes y’all want a joint bank account, but I ain’t had it yet.

  Commentary:
  Still waiting for that "merge accounts" level magic! 💸💏

• 
  Girls … I understood why they advise us to get married and have kids before 25. Because after that, our brain starts working, and the decision won’t seem so reasonable anymore.

  Commentary:
  When your brain finally boots up and you realize marriage might need more than a 10-year warranty 🤔💍🤣

• 
  Making friends as an adult is wild because there’s so much lore to catch up on. You’ll be 3 years in and still get random drops like, ‘Oh, by the way, I used to be married.’

  Commentary:
  Just when you think you've unlocked all the character backstory, they hit you with a surprise DLC! 🤯🎮🤣

• 
  Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing, because that’s the soundtrack to the rest of your life.

  Commentary:
  Chew-s wisely! Your lifetime soundtrack shouldn't sound like an orchestra of potato chips 🍟🎧😄

• 
  I will marry a tall, masculine, lovey-dovey man who can’t breathe when I ignore his existence.

  Commentary:
  Looking for someone who loses more air than a leaky balloon every time I walk by 😂💨❤️

• 
  Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

  Commentary:
  Looks like someone is navigating through the delicate dance of marriage etiquette! 😄 Remember, when it comes to wedding humor, treading lightly is always a veil-y good idea! 👰🚫💍 #HappyWifeHappyLife

• 
  Being married means mostly shouting “What?” from other rooms.

  Commentary:
  "Marriage: where intimate conversations are replaced by a constant game of 'What?'. 🗣️🚪😂"

• 
  Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul.

  Commentary:
  "Talk about a plot twist! 😱 Looks like you married a Sith Lord in disguise. May the Force be with you! 💍👰🤖"

Popular funny marriage quotes

• 
  Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

  Commentary:
  "Embarking on a family road trip: where the scenic views are as beautiful as the chaos inside the car 🚗👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 It's the ultimate test of love and survival skills… because let's face it, surviving a road trip with your in-laws is a true relationship milestone! 🤪💔 #FamilyRoadTripDrama"

• 
  My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.

  Commentary:
  Looks like love truly is blind 😜👀 Just remember, sometimes it's better to swipe left and take a double-take before swiping right! 💔❤️

• 
  My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

  Commentary:
  Ah, it seems your husband has officially graduated to the "fun socks" phase of adulthood, where the waistbands get higher and the sock patterns get wilder! 🧦🕺 Who needs mid-life crises when you can just rock some quirky socks instead? 😄 #SockGameStrong

• 
  Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like the bachelor is aiming high and headed straight for Reality TV Royalty! 💍🌟 Who needs a fairytale ending when you can have a Kardashian cameo instead? 🤣 #KeepingUpWithTheKardashians #NewLifePlan"

• 
  Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

  Commentary:
  🏠💍 "Who needs a spouse when you can just gift a house? 🤷‍♂️ Maybe this is the ultimate 'no strings attached' relationship strategy! 😆 Just make sure she doesn't cozy up to the house more than to you! 🤣"

• 
  If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.

  Commentary:
  "You know you're in trouble when forgetting your wife's birthday feels like playing a dangerous game of memory roulette! 🎲💔 Mark those calendars, gentlemen! #LivingOnTheEdge"

• 
  It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the harsh reality of marriage – where the rose-tinted glasses turn into magnifying glasses 🔍! It's like a magical transformation from Prince Charming to Captain Grumpy Pants 🤷‍♂️. Who said 'till death do us part' was going to feel like eternal sunshine? ☀️💍"

• 
  Sneaking up behind people and marrying them.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the classic surprise wedding approach! 😂💍 Remember, nothing says 'I do' like catching someone off guard. Just be sure to watch out for any unexpected plot twists 👀🤵‍♂️👰"

• 
  My wife has the worst taste in men.

  Commentary:
  Well, at least she found the perfect match in you! 🤣👫 It's all about balance, right? Maybe opposites attract – for better or for worse! 😉

• 
  The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs wind turbines or solar panels when you have the incredible energy generated by a slamming car door? 💥🚗 Just make sure to stand back and watch the power of that slam! 💪😆"

More funny marriage quotes

• 
  Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs love when you have the deliciously pungent bond between garlic and bread? That's a marriage that will never crumble… just like a perfectly toasted garlic bread! 🍞❤️🧄 #RelationshipGoals"

• 
  Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

  Commentary:
  🤷‍♂️ "Nobody's face has seen more shock than a husband realizing his wife's plans have turned into a sequel! 🤯 Who knew life with a spouse could be a series of surprises? 😆"

• 
  I thought I needed a drink. Turns out what I really needed was a divorce.

  Commentary:
  "Who knew a cocktail shaker could be replaced by divorce papers? 🍸💔 Sometimes the best tonic for life's troubles is a little separation on the rocks! Cheers to newfound freedom! 🥂 #DivorceDecisions"

• 
  “You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the classic 'dishwasher loading dispute' – a tale as old as time! 🍽️😅 Looks like the dishwasher duty switcheroo is real, folks! Remember, it's all fun and games until you become the designated dishwasher master!🧼🤷‍♂️"

• 
  Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

  Commentary:
  "Who knew Google would become the ultimate parenting manual? 😂💻 Just remember, there's no 'Ctrl + Z' button when it comes to real-life tantrums! 🤪👶 #ParenthoodAdventures"

• 
  I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs a marriage certificate when you've got divorce experience? It's all about that perfect balance of commitment and independence 😅💔 #RelationshipStatusExpert"

• 
  I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the rare moment when a husband willingly opens the door to being corrected… Such a brave soul! 🤣 Here's to seizing those precious opportunities with gusto! 💁‍♀️🔥"

• 
  Okay, new plan, I’m going to marry a Kardashian.

  Commentary:
  "Breaking news: Local citizen scraps life goals, opts for Kardashian royalty instead 👑💍 Can't beat 'em, might as well join 'em, right? Get ready for the glam squad and paparazzi, it's showtime, baby! 📸💃 #KardashianForLife"

• 
  I always work very hard and intensively to ensure that my wife can proudly say: “That idiot over there? Yes, that’s mine!”

  Commentary:
  "Working hard, not just to impress the boss or get that promotion, but to make your significant other beam with pride. 🏆💼🤪 #RelationshipGoals #CrazyInLove"

• 
  Do you also watch porn until the end to see if they end up getting married?

  Commentary:
  Ah, the eternal question of commitment in the world of adult films – will they or won't they say "I do" after all that "action"? 💍🔞 Perhaps the real climax is the love story that lasts beyond the final scene… or maybe just until the credits roll! 😜🎬 #LoveAndOtherRatedRThings

Witty marriage quotes

• 
  I think my wife has got early Alzheimer’s. Every day she tells me that she has no idea what she first saw in me.

  Commentary:
  Ah, a classic case of selective amnesia blended with a touch of marital honesty! 🤣 It seems like your wife might need a memory boost or maybe just some upgraded rose-tinted glasses! 👓💭 Just remind her of your charm and wit, and she'll remember why she fell for you in the first place! 😉🌟

• 
  A wise man once said: “Yes, darling. You’re right.”

  Commentary:
  Ah, the timeless wisdom of acknowledging when the partner is right! 🤣👏 Let's hear it for the wise man who knows that sometimes, saying "Yes, darling. You're right." is the greatest form of wisdom and diplomacy! 😄👍

• 
  I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a sabbatical was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

  Commentary:
  Ah, the harsh reality of marriage – it's not all sabbaticals and relaxation! 🤣 Looks like someone didn't get the memo that "for better or for worse" includes vacation time! 💔 #MarriageStruggles #SabbaticalDenied

• 
  If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

  Commentary:
  Oh, the sound of marital chewing – reaching across state lines and beyond! 🗣️🍽️ It's like a crunchy, munchy symphony that refuses to fade away. 🎵👂Talk about a love/hate relationship with snacks…and spouses! 💔😂

• 
  Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

  Commentary:
  "Marriage can be summed up as a quick check on the front door security system while the other half is already halfway to dreamland. 🔒💤 It's all about balance, right? 😄"

• 
  I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself, so if y’all don’t hear from me later, she probably folded me like an omelet.

  Commentary:
  "Oh no, the battle of the laundry mountain escalates! 🧺🏔️ Fold or be folded, that is the question. Will our hero emerge victorious or end up as a well-pressed omelet? Stay tuned for the next episode of Domestic Drama! 📺😄"

• 
  I met my wife at a singles night. I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids.

  Commentary:
  "Love has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it! Who would've thought a singles night would lead to a partner-in-crime who was busy managing a whole squad at home? 🤣🏡💑 #UnexpectedLoveStories"

• 
  Do married people watch Gen Z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam?

  Commentary:
  "Watching Gen Z dating must make married folks feel like they escaped a war zone and caught the last ✈️ out of Nam 🚁! Who knew swiping left and right could be so intense? 🤣 #MarriedLife"

• 
  My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu. And then he has questions. Please send help.

  Commentary:
  🍽️ When your husband starts reading the menu out loud like it's the most thrilling novel in the world, you know you're in for a wild dining experience! 🙈 Who knew deciding between steak or chicken could be such an epic saga? Maybe we should start a support group for menu-reading partners! 🤣 #MenuMania

• 
  Apparently, telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, yes, the classic foot-in-mouth situation with a side of unintentional burn 🔥. Remember, folks: always handle delicate situations with utmost care, even if your humor is as sharp as your attire for the wedding 💁‍♂️👰. Lesson learned the hard way! 😅"