161 funny marriage quotes - Wordgag

Marriage is just asking each other, “What do you want to do for dinner?” and then replying, “No, not that,” until death do us part.

May 30, 2026

Ask a man what a good woman is, and watch him describe a slave.

May 30, 2026

I don’t think I’d get married again, but I would like to annoy someone until one of us is dead.

May 30, 2026

Let’s get married and have kids, so instead of relaxing during weeknights, we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

May 30, 2026

My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now, when she’s mad at me, I just say, “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”

May 30, 2026

70% of marriage is yelling “What” from a different room.

May 30, 2026

I’m 27 and a half. I should be on my first divorce by now.

May 30, 2026

My husband clearly believes that chairs just magically push themselves back in.

May 30, 2026

The main reason I got divorced was cause I got married.

May 30, 2026

Marriage is scary, what if he doesn’t want our house to look like my Pinterest board.

May 30, 2026

Settling down and getting married so I can finally meet the au pair of my dreams.

May 29, 2026

If you break up with the same person enough times, you eventually get married. Never give up.

May 29, 2026

In marriage, whoever has the cooler last name gets to continue their legacy. Reject tradition.

May 29, 2026

Of all the ways to be miserable, marriage is the most expensive.

May 29, 2026

Life hack: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

May 29, 2026

Getting a wife is very powerful, because you get a personal psychic that will tell you things like, “Your keys are in the gray pants in the hamper,” and “He will ultimately betray you.”

May 29, 2026

Marriage is so scary. What do you mean I can’t have my own room?

May 29, 2026

The best part about being married is having a permanent person to debrief with immediately after any social event.

May 29, 2026

“I’m interested in the divorce rate for couples who sleep in queen versus king beds.”

May 29, 2026

Before marriage, I would sit at a stoplight for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.

May 29, 2026

I don’t question my wife’s choices because I’m one of them.

May 29, 2026

Forget cheating, that’s young people’s shit. I’m ready to get married and have an affair.

May 29, 2026

My wife just pulled me into the other room, and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk, but she just wanted to give me M&M’s without the kids seeing.

May 29, 2026

Every marriage has a personality hire, and then someone who knows how insurance works.

May 29, 2026

My husband loves when we fight, and I turn it into a limited series called And Another Thing.

May 29, 2026

There is literally no rule that says you have to get married and start a family. Normalize splitting a mansion with your five best friends and ten dogs.

May 28, 2026

Marriage is where you gasp while your husband is driving, and he gets super annoyed over and over.

May 28, 2026

When I get married, I want my wedding video to be filmed like it’s an episode of The Office. I want camera zooms, eye contact, side commentary— all of it.

May 28, 2026

“I’ll run it by the boss” is one of the peak boomerisms you can say as a married man. It feels electric.

May 28, 2026

A marriage is about solving problems together, you know, those problems you wouldn’t have if you were single.

May 28, 2026

Why is everyone’s main goal to get married and have kids? Like, don’t you guys want to do drugs in foreign countries?

May 28, 2026

Our parents are going to be shocked when they find out that most of us are serious about not getting married.

May 28, 2026

My future husband is probably enjoying a nice summer with his first wife… but the seeds of discontent are there.

May 28, 2026

I’m not “dating to marry” or “dating for fun.” I’m dating for a secret third reason.

May 28, 2026

Free marriage tip: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she is mowing the lawn.

May 28, 2026

After you’ve been married a long time, you become able to communicate nonverbally. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s why we never speak.

May 28, 2026

Let’s just call ourselves divorced now and skip the stressful, expensive bit in the middle.

May 28, 2026

I wanna marry someone funnier than me, but sadly, I am the funniest.

May 28, 2026

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do when I sing, “Someday My Prince Will Come,” while I’m cleaning.

May 28, 2026

My husband is trying to convince me that we’re in a situationship. “The situation is that we live in the same house and love each other.”

May 28, 2026