New funny office quotes

• The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

• I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.

• Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid. I asked. Twice.

• Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

• My intern was born in 2007. I have unread emails older than that.

• Every job is either 8 hours of getting exposed to cancer-causing chemicals or 8 hours of staring at a Microsoft Excel sheet.

• Good morning, did you have a nice weekend? I ask my many open work tabs.

• My favorite part of my workday is when I grab my shit and leave.

• On my phone, you’ll never see contacts saved as ‘babe’ or ‘love.’ I save full names—first and last—like a government office.

• Imagine working at Pornhub. At like the corporate office as a developer or whatever. White collar. That’s gotta be a weird job. Working there has gotta be bloody weird.

Top funny office quotes

• Got sent to HR for calling someone a “jellyfish” — just floating around all day, doing absolutely nothing.

• I started calling the new guy at work “Grok” because he thinks he knows everything.

• Actually, no one sees you at your worst like your coworkers do.

• My boss was like, “People working from home are just pretending to work,” and it’s like, dude, what do you think I’m doing in the office?

• I stopped adding “Let me know if you have any more questions!” to my emails because don’t email me again.

• I’ve just learned terrible news. My department at work is planning a team-building retreat. Thank you for your thoughts during this difficult time.

• My talents include sneaking out of work early on a Friday.

• Corporate life requires an ass-licking skill set I simply wasn’t born with.

• Movies in the 80s had me convinced that a main part of being a grown-up was staying late at the office and eating Chinese takeout.

• Worst thing about cutting off all your hair is you go to work and everyone treats you like Today’s Special Boy.

Popular funny office quotes

• Stopped using exclamation points in work messages so my coworkers know they’ve killed my spirit.

• Being liked at work comes with so many perks, you could be late as hell, and everyone is just happy to see you.

• On my way to HR again for nicknaming my coworker “Mastercard” because they take credit for other people’s work.

• Coolest part about starting a new job is the immunity to disease you get for 3 months till you get sick days.

• I mean, sex is all right, but have you ever experienced the sheer sensuality of having rock-solid proof that a problem at work was someone else’s fault, even though it really, really looked like it was yours?

• Might mess around and reply, “That sounds like a you problem,” to every work email today.

• At the doctor’s office, booing all the names being called that aren’t mine.

• I think my phone is broken. I pressed the home button, but I’m still at work.

• Mondays are for pretending. Real work begins on Tuesday.

• Throwing “whereupon” into a few work emails today to keep it fun.

More funny office quotes

• Wow, you did such a great job clicking in your little spreadsheets today. Super proud of you.

• Your coworker is not hot; they’re just within 10 feet of you 40 hours a week.

• Work beers should be a daily thing.

• No HR complaint formed against me shall prosper.

• Wearing expensive perfume to work feels like such a waste. This should be under someone’s full body weight, not in a corporate setting.

• The longer I work in corporate, the more I realize… Micromanaging is just insecurity dressed up as leadership.

• Clicking on a suspicious link at work just to feel something.

• How do I get one of those fake corporate jobs where I work remotely, get paid for responding to one email a day, and have a laptop on with Outlook or whatever open?

• It’s truly insane when bosses assume their employees are working for any reason other than a paycheck.

• I told a joke to my boss, and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Witty office quotes

• The early bird gets to cry for a little bit longer in the work parking lot.

• Me: This is a hard escape room. Manager: You’re at work.

• Wait… if you’re circling back and I’m touching base, who the hell is monitoring the situation?

• I love to watch the enthusiasm of new coworkers, and then their inevitable slow descent into not giving a damn.

• Sometimes you show up to work, and they just torture you for hours.

• Fake laughing at work is mentally exhausting. Please just leave me alone.

• It’s so hot out, I just hydroplaned off the toilet seat at work.

• If the office is always a little cold, you might be working for the lizard people.

• Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.

• Out of Office: I am on vacation. Your emails will be forwarded nowhere to be read by no one. Good day.

Funny office quotes remind us that while we go to work to be productive 💼, we usually end up collecting hilarious stories instead 🤣. Whether it’s printer malfunctions 🖨️, awkward small talk by the coffee machine ☕, or bizarre team-building exercises 🧩, the office never fails to entertain. These quotes are perfect for anyone who knows that surviving office life requires a good sense of humor 🙃. So embrace the cubicle chaos, laugh at the meetings, and enjoy the daily comedy that is office life 🤪!