50+ Funny Office Quotes That Prove Every Workplace Is Its Own Sitcom

New funny office quotes

• 
  Work beers should be a daily thing.

  Commentary:
  Time to update the employee handbook to include 'Beer O'Clock' every day! 🍺😄🎉

• 
  Your coworker is not hot; they’re just within 10 feet of you 40 hours a week.

  Commentary:
  Guess being exposed to fluorescent lighting for 40 hours a week really warms up the workplace, huh? 🔥🏢😅

• 
  Wow, you did such a great job clicking in your little spreadsheets today. Super proud of you.

  Commentary:
  Impressive work flexing those spreadsheet muscles today! 🏋️‍♂️📊💪 Keep clicking your way to glory!

• 
  Throwing “whereupon” into a few work emails today to keep it fun.

  Commentary:
  Adding "whereupon" makes me sound like a medieval scribe trying to get through a 9-5! 📜😂

• 
  Mondays are for pretending. Real work begins on Tuesday.

  Commentary:
  When did Monday become the dress rehearsal for the work week? 🤔🎭 #MondayMadness

• 
  I think my phone is broken. I pressed the home button, but I’m still at work.

  Commentary:
  When your phone doesn't understand the urgency of pizza and pajamas 🍕📱😅

• 
  At the doctor’s office, booing all the names being called that aren’t mine.

  Commentary:
  Waiting room talent show: "And the next act is… not me! Boo! 🎤👎🤣"

• 
  Might mess around and reply, “That sounds like a you problem,” to every work email today.

  Commentary:
  Turning every work email into a game of "Not It!" 😜📧🙅‍♂️

• 
  I mean, sex is all right, but have you ever experienced the sheer sensuality of having rock-solid proof that a problem at work was someone else’s fault, even though it really, really looked like it was yours?

  Commentary:
  Finding out it wasn’t your fault at work feels like discovering a hidden chocolate stash when you thought you were on a diet 🍫😆🎉

• 
  Coolest part about starting a new job is the immunity to disease you get for 3 months till you get sick days.

  Commentary:
  Who knew that "new job immunity" was the latest health trend? Where's my cape and superpowers? 🦸‍♂️💼😅

Top funny office quotes

• 
  On my way to HR again for nicknaming my coworker “Mastercard” because they take credit for other people’s work.

  Commentary:
  Another day, another HR meeting. At least I've got points for creativity! 😂💼

• 
  Being liked at work comes with so many perks, you could be late as hell, and everyone is just happy to see you.

  Commentary:
  Arriving late but still hailed like a rockstar, must be nice to have a VIP pass for friendship at work! 😎🙌⏰

• 
  Stopped using exclamation points in work messages so my coworkers know they’ve killed my spirit.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like your keyboard's stuck on the monotone setting! 😐💼🔇

• 
  Worst thing about cutting off all your hair is you go to work and everyone treats you like Today’s Special Boy.

  Commentary:
  "Guess who's the new head of hair-raising trends at the office! 💇‍♂️✨"

• 
  Movies in the 80s had me convinced that a main part of being a grown-up was staying late at the office and eating Chinese takeout.

  Commentary:
  Meanwhile, I'm still trying to figure out which takeout place sends free fortune cookies with adulting advice 🍜🕰️🤷‍♂️

• 
  Corporate life requires an ass-licking skill set I simply wasn’t born with.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like I missed the "how to be a human vacuum" class in school! 😂🧹

• 
  My talents include sneaking out of work early on a Friday.

  Commentary:
  Escape artist by day, professional weekend enthusiast by Friday afternoon! 😎🏃‍♂️💨

• 
  I’ve just learned terrible news. My department at work is planning a team-building retreat. Thank you for your thoughts during this difficult time.

  Commentary:
  Sending virtual hugs and an emergency supply of caffeine! ☕️😅 Good luck surviving the trust falls!🤞🏻😂

• 
  I stopped adding “Let me know if you have any more questions!” to my emails because don’t email me again.

  Commentary:
  That's the energy we all need: out-email the email, not the person! 📧🚫😅

• 
  My boss was like, “People working from home are just pretending to work,” and it’s like, dude, what do you think I’m doing in the office?

  Commentary:
  So true! At least at home, my cat keeps me accountable 😸💻🥱

Popular funny office quotes

• 
  Actually, no one sees you at your worst like your coworkers do.

  Commentary:
  When it's "casual Friday" but your life is already in pajamas mode every day 🤪👕💼

• 
  I started calling the new guy at work “Grok” because he thinks he knows everything.

  Commentary:
  Trying to understand him is like starring in a never-ending episode of "Are You Smarter Than Grok?" 😂🤔📚

• 
  Got sent to HR for calling someone a “jellyfish” — just floating around all day, doing absolutely nothing.

  Commentary:
  Guess I should have picked a "sea turtle" instead for their laid-back nature 🌊😅🐢

• 
  Imagine working at Pornhub. At like the corporate office as a developer or whatever. White collar. That’s gotta be a weird job. Working there has gotta be bloody weird.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like a job where "debugging" takes on a whole new meaning! 🖥️🤯🍑

• 
  On my phone, you’ll never see contacts saved as ‘babe’ or ‘love.’ I save full names—first and last—like a government office.

  Commentary:
  This sounds like a solid strategy to avoid awkward pocket dials to "Babe #4" 😂📞👔

• 
  My favorite part of my workday is when I grab my shit and leave.

  Commentary:
  When your favorite IT moment is Ctrl + Alt + Escape! 🚪😂💼

• 
  Good morning, did you have a nice weekend? I ask my many open work tabs.

  Commentary:
  Ah, yes, my weekend getaway to Tablandia was riveting! My browser had an all-access pass. 🏖️💻

• 
  Every job is either 8 hours of getting exposed to cancer-causing chemicals or 8 hours of staring at a Microsoft Excel sheet.

  Commentary:
  Looks like we're all just one spreadsheet error away from becoming a math magician or a chemist! 🤹‍♂️🔬📊

• 
  My intern was born in 2007. I have unread emails older than that.

  Commentary:
  Time to archive those emails before they start asking for a driver's license! 📧🚗🤦‍♀️

• 
  Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

  Commentary:
  🤷‍♂️ When "ew no" meets the professional world, things can get a little tricky! 🙈 Apparently, not all bosses speak the language of "ew no" fluently. Time to brush up on those communication skills, or just stick to the good ol' eye roll and heavy sigh combo. 😉 #ProfessionalCommunicationFail

More funny office quotes

• 
  Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid. I asked. Twice.

  Commentary:
  "Remember, the 'no hitting coworkers' policy is non-negotiable 🚫👊 Even if some seem to test the limits of your patience 🙄 Just double-checked with HR, and yep, still a firm no-go. Sorry, folks! 😅 #OfficeEtiquette"

• 
  I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.

  Commentary:
  "Lost: several pens, countless papers, a little bit of sanity, and a handful of dreams. Reward: a stress ball and a well-deserved break. 🖊️📄😅💭 #WorkStruggles"

• 
  The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the brain, always at peak performance when it comes to navigating the treacherous journey from bed to office chair! 🧠💼 It's like a reliable engine that only runs on coffee and deadlines. ☕️⏰ Who needs a morning workout when you have the mental gymnastics of work ahead of you?"

• 
  Stay an extra hour in the office and no one cares. Arrive a few minutes late and everyone loses their minds.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the classic office paradox: Work overtime and get a collective shrug 🤷‍♂️, but show up a tad late and suddenly it's all chaos and drama 🤯! Because clearly, punctuality is the true measure of professional success 🕒⏳. Who knew the secret to world domination lay in the hands of a clock ⏰? Just don't let your boss catch you eyeing that clock too eagerly 🧐👀

• 
  It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

  Commentary:
  "Isn't it amazing how professional language can disguise our true feelings? 😅 Next time someone asks for a favor at work, just put on your biggest smile and say, 'Absolutely, without a doubt!' 😉🔥"

• 
  My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like your escape key is on strike, refusing to give you the much-needed break! 🤖⌨️ Keep hammering away and maybe your keyboard will finally let you escape to the weekend! 🏃‍♂️💼"

• 
  Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch, or a vacation, or just going to work in general.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the quintessential dread of returning to work – it hits differently after a delicious lunch, a rejuvenating vacation, or simply facing the reality of adulting 🙈 On the bright side, at least you can always look forward to your next break or retirement 🌞💼 #MondayBlues"

• 
  Accidentally used my real personality at work today… heading to HR now.

  Commentary:
  Oops, I guess the office wasn't ready for the unfiltered edition today! 🚶‍♂️🏃‍♂️😂

• 
  I should’ve been a crow. They get to fly around looking goth as hell and seeking retribution. Instead, I have to go to an office and work on my ‘people skills.’

  Commentary:
  Leveling up my "people skills" when I really just want to caw at everyone and look fabulous in black 🖤🐦‍⬛

• 
  That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

  Commentary:
  Looks like that pen in the junk drawer decided to rise from its slumber like a grumpy old dragon guarding its treasure! 🐉✒️ Watch out, folks, we've got a feisty pen on the loose! Shepherd it back into the writing world with a bit of humor and a dash of ink therapy! 🖊️😅

Witty office quotes

• 
  Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle.

  Commentary:
  🤪📚 "Hmm, let's see… Ah, here it is! Page 47, Section 3.5: 'Thou shalt not unleash random weird noises that disturb thy cubicle neighbors.' Looks like you're officially busted! Better start practicing your silent mime routines instead! 😂"

• 
  Every morning when that damn alarm clock goes off, I just feel it so much: A million-dollar inheritance suits me much better than an office job.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the melodious sound of the alarm clock – the daily symphony of regret and wishful thinking! 🕰️💸 Trading cubicles for castles sounds like a dream worth hitting the snooze button for! 😂 #InheritanceGoals"

• 
  Anyone who thinks office jobs are harmless has never cut their finger on paper.

  Commentary:
  "Office jobs: where paper cuts are considered extreme sports 📄💥 Don't underestimate the danger lurking in the seemingly innocent world of staplers and binders! 💼😆"

• 
  If you’re just talking nonsense all the time and not thinking about what you’re doing, you’re either in love or at the office.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the fine line between love and the office! 💔💼 Talking nonsense can be a telltale sign of both – just remember to focus on the important stuff, like whether it's a date night or a board meeting! 😜 #LoveVsWork"

• 
  Most meetings end with the conclusion that everything needs to be discussed in another meeting.

  Commentary:
  Ah, yes, the classic meeting merry-go-round! 🔄🤔 It's like a never-ending cycle of let's-discuss-what-we're-going-to-discuss-next-time 😂 Maybe we should schedule a meeting to strategize how to end meetings efficiently! 🤷‍♂️ #MeetingMadness

• 
  Eight times a day, I ask myself which object in the office will hurt me enough so that I can go home, but at the same time won’t hurt too much.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the eternal struggle of balancing work-life harmony! 🤔💼🏠 Just remember, aim for a paper cut level of pain, not a concussion! 😂📎 #OfficeDilemmas"

• 
  My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

  Commentary:
  Looks like you've mastered the art of workplace efficiency: Boss leaves, productivity soars! 🚀💼 Keep up the good work – maybe you'll get promoted to "Boss in Absentia" soon! 😉👏

• 
  Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

  Commentary:
  Looks like wishing for the day your colleagues actually deserve might not always be appreciated! 🤣 Maybe a simple "Have a great day" could save you from making enemies at work. Lesson learned! 😉 #OfficeHumor

• 
  Sometimes I think I should talk to my colleagues more often. Until I talk to my colleagues.

  Commentary:
  "Networking more with colleagues sounds like a great idea… until the 10th 'How was your weekend?' conversation in a row 🙃👔 #IntrovertProblems"

• 
  My boss doesn’t want dogs in the office. But he didn’t say anything about alpacas.

  Commentary:
  Looks like someone found a sneaky loophole in the office pet policy! 🐶❌🦙✔️ Forget "take your dog to work day" – it's all about "take your alpaca to work day" now! Watch out, your boss might soon be giving you the side-eye during team meetings with an unexpected furry friend by your side. 😂🦙👔