New funny parenting quotes

• I could see myself peacefully exchanging my kids on the weekend with this woman.

• If you’re thinking of becoming a parent, just imagine working 6,570 days straight without a day off.

• “I’ve never done parkour, but I have chased a toddler with an open Sharpie through the house.”

• Kids be like, I see you have a moment to yourself, and I must correct that immediately.

• Let’s get married and have kids, so instead of relaxing during weeknights, we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

• My kids will never appreciate the amount of extroverting the introvert me does for them.

• Toddlers: the brutally honest roommates nobody asked for!

• Babies will literally step on your face just to grab what they want.

• Childbirth seems like an awful lot of work for an already saturated market.

• Vacations are expensive, but how else could you put a price tag on your kids being ungrateful in a different city.

Top funny parenting quotes

• Putting a baby on board sticker on my car because other drivers have a right to know who they’re dealing with behind the wheel.

• Celebrities should not be allowed to name children.

• Settling down and getting married so I can finally meet the au pair of my dreams.

• Being a baby in a stroller under the plastic cover when it’s raining must be a major vibe.

• Maybe your baby is crying because it wants a cigarette.

• The biggest difference between my toddler and me is that if I had poop on my butt, that’d be priority #1.

• Why do babies cry when they are tired? Like, just go to sleep, bro, no one is stopping you.

• Just realised if I have a kid, they’re likely to see the year 2100… WTF?

• I hope my parents feel proud. They scared me so bad about getting pregnant as a teenager that now they’re never getting grandkids.

• Kids these days are soft. I’m pretty sure I died once when I was 7, and my mom made me walk it off.

Popular funny parenting quotes

• Not to brag, but my children already knew everything I told them today.

• I’m of the very strong opinion that sex ed should be taught by a woman 37 weeks into her third pregnancy, while her husband sits scrolling through his phone, and her other two children run wild.

• I admire how, when babies don’t want to hold something anymore, they just drop it.

• My kids want to know what’s for dinner, like they’re going to be happy with the answer.

• My father didn’t want kids, so he had two kids, which was the equivalent of zero kids at the time.

• My future husband and I will be stay-at-home parents, and the kids will go to work.

• “I’m giving my daughter a male name, ain’t nobody cracking an Abdul.”

• (pausing the TV and turning to my kids) Now I want to talk to you guys for a second about what Bart just told that man to do.

• Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.

• Once I started spending my own money, I realized my mom was right. We do have food at home.

More funny parenting quotes

• My toddler asked if we could go to the zoo today, and I said, “I can’t see that happening.” Then she literally left the room and came back with my glasses.

• I know it’s bad, and you’ve got to shut it down right away, but is there anything more hilarious than a swearing toddler?

• My favorite part of parenting is when they’re asleep.

• “Easy like Sunday morning” is something people with no kids say.

• Maybe Baby wants to be put in the corner.

• My child has entered the “Why?” stage of linguistic development, and I’ve realized I know absolutely nothing.

• What wine pairs well with the kids being stuck inside during a heat wave?

• Parent hack: Shut your child’s bedroom door to make your house cleaner.

• Kids: making things way more difficult when they don’t have to be, since the dawn of man.

• Parenting a teenager is surreal because you’ll be sitting there, and some dude who is much taller than you will walk around the corner and ask you how to open a popcorn bag.

Witty parenting quotes

• Putting together a piece of furniture today, so my kids are about to learn swear words that haven’t even been invented yet.

• Please pray for our son, who had to unload the dishwasher when “he just did this yesterday, and he’s tired.”

• Regrettably, my children appear to have befriended a child I find annoying.

• When you realize your punishments as a kid (stay home, take a nap, no junk food, go to bed early) are now your goals as an adult.

• The neighbor girl told my kids she wouldn’t come over until they cleaned their rooms, so I guess I do have a favorite child.

• I’m surviving motherhood, one teenage meltdown at a time.

• My son loves Monty Python. My work here is done.

• Is it okay for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school, or am I just a terrible teacher?

• My teenager has really expensive taste for someone who can’t afford to buy their own toothpaste.

• You know when a donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking? That’s what it’s like having kids.

Closing The Diaper Bag On The Chaos Of Raising Humans

This concludes our survival guide to the front lines of parenthood, and if you managed to read this entire list without being interrupted to find a missing Lego or open a cheese string, you’ve basically won the day. 🏆🧀 Parenting is a marathon that feels like a sprint while you’re carrying a heavy diaper bag and someone is screaming in your ear, but at least the comedy material is top-tier. 🏃‍♂️💨 Just remember that on the days when you feel like you’re failing, you’re actually just providing your children with excellent stories to tell their therapists later in life. 🛋️🗣️ Keep your sense of humor close and your coffee closer, because while the days are long, the years are short—and the laundry is forever. Now, go forth and try to enjoy the quiet for exactly three seconds before someone yells “Mom!” or “Dad!” from the other side of the house! ✌️😎💤✨