50+ Funny Self-Care Quotes That Prove Pampering Yourself Can Get Pretty Ridiculous

New funny self-care quotes

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  I’m not procrastinating. I’m protecting my peace through active avoidance.

  Commentary:
  Actively avoiding stress, one nap at a time! 😴✌️

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  Buying something nice for myself, cuz today would’ve been my birthday if I was born today.

  Commentary:
  Treat yo'self to some pre-birthday presents—better start a year early! 🎈🎉🛍️

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  Take your days off, these jobs don’t care about you.

  Commentary:
  Who knew sick days could be the secret to job security? 😜💼🌴

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  I need a day off from myself.

  Commentary:
  When I figure out how to call in sick to being me, I'll let you know! 🙃🤔😴

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  Adulting: unlocking life’s mysteries, one therapy session at a time.

  Commentary:
  Adulting: the ultimate escape room with no exit! 😅🧠🔐

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  Give yourself time to heal. A couple of decades should do it.

  Commentary:
  That's right, I'm just following doctor's orders as I enjoy my leisurely 20-year spa day 😂🛁⏳

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  If you’re not getting spoiled, then spoil yourself.

  Commentary:
  When life doesn't give you lemons, just buy your own and make a luxury lemonade stand 🍋💅✨

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  Cancelling a date so I can order pizza and go to bed at 8:30 p.m.

  Commentary:
  Who needs a date when you've got a hot pizza and a cozy 8:30 bedtime? 🍕😴❤️

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  Therapy should be free and accessible because getting traumatized is free and accessible.

  Commentary:
  Laughing at how even trauma comes with free shipping and a lifetime subscription! 🙃🛒🧠

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  Can you imagine how hot I’d be if I ate right and took care of my body? I’m not gonna do it, but can you imagine?

  Commentary:
  I feel this in my soul…and my untoned abs! 😂🔥🍔

Top funny self-care quotes

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  Imagine hating me, and I’m just over here plucking chin hairs.

  Commentary:
  Plot twist: My chin hairs have better plot development than most TV shows 😂🪒

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  I love convincing myself iced coffee counts as hydration and self-care.

  Commentary:
  Iced coffee: the self-care elixir that keeps me hydrated and hyper-caffeinated! ☕️💧😄

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  I can’t tell if I need coffee, a hug, or to just go live in the woods forever.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like the perfect recipe for a rustic coffee shop in the woods with hug-only seating! ☕🌲🤗

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  Not right now. I’m manifesting.

  Commentary:
  Channeling my inner wizard, please hold! 🧙‍♂️✨

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  wearing no bra and oversized clothes is self-care at its finest

  Commentary:
  Embracing the no-bra, big-shirt life—where comfort is high fashion and freedom is a style choice! 😎👕🕺

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  Being a woman is wild. I just cried, cleaned the house, had a snack, had a bath, and now I’m fine.

  Commentary:
  Multi-tasking level: Expert! Who needs a rollercoaster when you've got a day like this 🎢😂🧹🍫🛁🙌

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  Showering & getting in bed is literally one of the best combos ever.

  Commentary:
  Showering and diving into bed: the ultimate power couple of relaxation! 🚿💤❤️

• 
  If you have gray in your beard, you can hit it.

  Commentary:
  Looks like my beard's about to become a battering ram! 😂🧔⚾️

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  Underrated life skill: only doing what feels genuinely right and letting everything else go.

  Commentary:
  Mastering the ninja art of 'Nope'! 🥷✨ Letting go like a pro! 🕶️💼🎈

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  Never underestimate the healing power of not watching the news.

  Commentary:
  Totally agree! News-free days are my version of a spa treatment for the soul 🧖‍♂️📺❌

Popular funny self-care quotes

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  Getting your hair washed by someone else is one of life’s greatest joys no one really speaks about often.

  Commentary:
  When someone else washes your hair, it's like winning the spa lottery! 🎉🛁✨

• 
  Unfollowing high school people really is a form of self-care.

  Commentary:
  Finally, a detox plan I can stick to! 🧼📱😂

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  My lips could use some attention today.

  Commentary:
  Pucker up and get ready for lip-lockdown! 💋😂

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  Showering at night is so sexy and clean and self-care vibes. Showering in the morning is so productivity core, cog in the machine core.

  Commentary:
  Night shower: Feeling like a spa goddess ready to conquer Netflix. Morning shower: Welcome to the shampoo-powered hamster wheel! 🛁✨🔄

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  I love being a girly girl and going to sleep all moisturized, juicy, and soft. Lip balm on. Layering on scents just to beauty rest.

  Commentary:
  When you wake up smelling like a spa and your pillow's living its best life 🍬💤✨

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  Really love how dancing alone in your room can literally save your life.

  Commentary:
  Shaking it like nobody's watching: the ultimate life hack! 💃🕺🪩

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  The subtle art of letting yourself go crazy once in a while.

  Commentary:
  "When you're the Picasso of chaotic life moments! 🎨🙃 #MasterpieceOfMayhem"

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  I’m trying to be awesome today, but I’m too exhausted from being so awesome yesterday.

  Commentary:
  "Being awesome is a full-time job, and yesterday's shift really wore me out! 😅💪 Today, I might just settle for 'slightly above average' and call it a win. #AwesomeStruggles"

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  I’m looking for a moisturizer to hide the fact that I’ve been tired since 2010.

  Commentary:
  "Looking for a moisturizer that can hide the fact that my under-eye bags have their own postal code 💌💤 #TiredSince2010"

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  My stress stresses me out to the point where I’m too stressed to deal with my stress.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the vicious cycle of stress! It's like stressing about stressing – stress-ception! 🌀 Just when you think you've got it under control, stress pops up to say 'Surprise!' 🤯 Don't stress about stressing about stress…or do you? 🤔 Let's find some stress relief for your stressed-out stress! 💆‍♂️"

More funny self-care quotes

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  Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am.

  Commentary:
  "Whoever said medication couldn't be fun clearly hasn't seen me in action – humming, dancing, and organizing pills like a pro! 💊💃 Embrace the nutty side, it's the happiest one! 😜 #PillPoppingDiva"

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  Life hack: give yourself 8 to 12 hours of alone time in the morning to mentally prepare for the day.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the elusive quest for solitude and mental preparation in the wee hours of the morning – the ultimate life hack for introverts and morning birds alike! 🌅☕️ Just don't hit the snooze button too many times, or you might run out of hours to prep and end up diving headfirst into the chaos! ⏰😅 #MorningMentor #AloneTimeAlchemist"

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  I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the eternal struggle of life: battling with sunscreen like it's a hide and seek champion 🤔🌞 Who needs enemies when you've got your elusive back as your nemesis? 🤷‍♂️😂 #SunscreenWars"

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  I would cry but my makeup is too expensive.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the eternal struggle of balancing emotions with the cost of glam! 💸💄 Who needs tears when you have flawless eyeliner, am I right? 😜 #TooFabulousToCry"

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  Doing an hour of self-care after 23 hours of self-destruction.

  Commentary:
  "Sometimes you need to balance out the chaos with a dash of serenity 🧘‍♂️🌿 It's all about finding that perfect equilibrium between burning the candle at both ends and then trying to soothe the burn marks! 🕯️🔥😅 #SelfCareStruggles"

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  Netflix & by yourself.

  Commentary:
  "Netflix & by yourself: the ultimate duo for a wild Friday night 🍿📺 Who needs a party when you've got the best company around? 😂 #NetflixAndChillByMyself"

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  Is it just me, or does anybody else get excited about cancelling plans?

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the thrill of the great cancelation! 🎉 Who needs a night out when you can have a night in your comfiest PJs instead? 😂 Canceling plans has never felt so liberating, am I right? 🙌 #AlwaysDownForSomeCancelationExcitement"

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  Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer and come out wrinkle free?

  Commentary:
  🧺 "Wouldn't it be fantastic if life had a 'dryer' setting to iron out all our wrinkles – both literal and metaphorical? Just pop yourself in, set it to 'wrinkle-free,' and emerge refreshed and smooth like a freshly laundered shirt. Ah, the dream! 😂✨"

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  I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the lengths we go for perfection! 🧐 Who knew a flawless appearance could involve some serious 'hair-raising' sacrifices? 😉 Remember, a little plucking now can lead to a 'whiter' future! ⚪️💇‍♂️✨"

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  Called off work. Feeling fat and wearing jeans.

  Commentary:
  When you realize your jeans have transformed into a denim prison 😂👖🍕

Witty self-care quotes

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  Going out to eat and shopping by yourself is actually one of the most peaceful and therapeutic things ever.

  Commentary:
  Solo adventures: when you can spend money and talk to yourself without judgment! 🍽️🛍️🧘‍♀️

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  The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like this ninja's special move is the 'Soapy Sock Slide' technique! 👣🚿💥 Who needs a black belt when you can have squeaky clean feet instead? 😂 #ShowerNinja"

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  I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

  Commentary:
  "Sometimes you just need to step away from the stupidity and enjoy the peace and quiet of your own company 🚶‍♂️💭. Who needs drama when you have the serenity of a solo stroll?"

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  I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the powerful exercise routine of eye rolling – the epitome of cardio for the soul! 🙄💪 Who needs a gym when you can keep those eyes in shape just by staying effortlessly unimpressed?" 😄

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  I need a massage for my brain.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, a brain massage is the perfect remedy for those hard-to-reach knots of information and stress! 🤯💆‍♂️ Let's work those neurons and give your brain the relaxation it deserves! Who knew mental tension could be so therapeutic?"

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  The older you get, the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim.

  Commentary:
  "Oh, the endless quest to reach those elusive toenails as we age! It's like a game of flexibility and determination 🦶👴 Stretching exercises become a daily routine, and a simple task turns into a comedic chase around the house! 🏃‍♂️💨 Just remember, the distant toenails remind us that reaching our goals may require a little extra effort and a good sense of humor! 😄"

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  Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These donuts are for my safety.

  Commentary:
  "Watch out for those stormy gusts, skinny friends! 🌪️ Donuts are not just a treat, they're a protective shield against the forces of nature! 🍩💨 Safety first, waistline second! 😄"

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  I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive, I might as well go to therapy.

  Commentary:
  Who knew emotional eating could break the bank! 🍔💸🤑 Therapy might just be the more budget-friendly option after all. 🛋️💸😂

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  If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems.

  Commentary:
  💌 Rise and shine, or should we say, rise and whine! If your morning routine involves diving into your inbox, you might just find yourself swimming in a sea of other people's dilemmas before even brushing your teeth. Remember, coffee before complaints, folks! ☕️😄

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  Need to shave my legs again. Blow-drying takes far too long.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the struggle is real! Shaving for smooth legs only to have the blow-drying marathon begin. It's a race against time to a smoother tomorrow 🏃‍♀️💨✨ #LegDayDilemma"