New funny wish quotes

• I only have one wish in life… For all my dreams to come true.

• I wish I loved exercise as much as I love napping 3 times a day and eating 5 times the suggested serving size.

• I’m so cold, I wish I could get in the dryer.

• The first bowl of cereal makes you want a second, but the second makes you wish you stopped at the first.

• Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting well wishes for Christmas.

• I wish I lived in a sitcom, and my friends just barged into my apartment uninvited.

• There should be a website where you post your wishes, and rich people who don’t know what to do with their money give you an anonymous gift.

• All I want for Christmas this year is the housing market to crash, so I could buy a 5-bedroom, 4-bathroom house for $3.

• They should invent a day where it all works out.

• “I’m so good at doing nothing. I wish I could get paid for it.”

Top funny wish quotes

• Are you ever so happy to be in bed, you wish you could be even more in bed than you already are?

• My hobbies include going home, wishing I was at home, and being at home.

• I would like to be reincarnated as less tired.

• My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking, one cleaning.

• I wish I got hotter every time a man made me mad.

• I wish I was waking up and going to the airport.

• God, please, for once in my life, let me get what I want.

• Going to ragebait men by asking, “Do you ever wish you were tall?”

• I wish rage burned calories. I would be so skinny.

• You know when you tap a video to see how long it’s got left? I wish you could do that to people while they’re talking.

Popular funny wish quotes

• When I grow up, I’d like to be a retired lottery winner.

• Your posts make me wish I could forget how to read.

• Ugh, sometimes I just wish there was a song about liking to move it, move it.

• Wishing I could hit snooze on life’s alarm clock!

• Can someone please invent 8 hours between 9 p.m. and midnight?

• I once hated my job so much that I would come home from work and watch vlogs of people quitting their jobs, wishing it was me.

• Buying something nice for myself, cuz today would’ve been my birthday if I was born today.

• I pray this boy wins in life. I wanna see him on top of me.

• I wish flies spoke English, so I could say, ‘Hey, if you don’t leave right now, I am going to kill you so hard.’

• The sweet spot is just enough pain to know you’re alive, but not quite enough to wish you were dead.

More funny wish quotes

• What I want for dinner hasn’t been invented yet.

• I wish people knew how good I can sing when I’m alone in my car and in my shower.

• I wish pets lived longer, and life wasn’t so expensive, and cake didn’t make you fat, and people weren’t twats.

• Wish I could step out of my body and take my own damn pictures.

• Just once, I’d love to underthink a situation.

• Wish I could get paid just for being a sweetheart.

• I wanna be a jellyfish— no heart, no brain, no feelings, no pain— just blub blub blub.

• Do you ever wish you could just walk away mid-conversation when you’re bored?

• God, I wish I had enough money to discover it doesn’t make me happy.

• I wish it was socially acceptable to DM someone, “Hey, why did you and your partner break up?”

Witty wish quotes

• I wish someone would light up the way Siri does when I say, “Hey.”

• Brains are awesome. I wish I had one.

• I wish I was as tired at bedtime as I am at 2 p.m. on any given day.

• I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. Got some sick rhymes about Debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing.

• Maybe God will gift me a boyfriend for my birthday this year.

• God, I wish I had enough money to discover it doesn’t make me happy.

• Be the spooky thing in the woods that you wish to see in the world.

• I wish I could Shazam a perfume.

• My unemployed neighbor with an unlimited firework budget would like to wish everyone a happy 9th of July.

• I hope I find $10,000 on the floor later.

Funny wish quotes remind us that while wishing is free, the things we wish for can be completely ridiculous 😂. Whether it’s wishing for magical weight loss 🍩, unlimited money 💰, or for Mondays to disappear completely 🗓️, our wish lists often sound like stand-up routines 🤣. These quotes are perfect for anyone who knows that dreaming big — and laughing at it — is part of the fun 🙃. So keep wishing, keep laughing, and enjoy the hilarious gap between reality and what we really want 🤪!