50+ Funny Workplace Quotes That Prove Every Office Is Its Own Sitcom

New funny workplace quotes

• 
  Deleting dating apps to meet someone the old-fashioned way (in the HR department).

  Commentary:
  Swiping left on dating apps, swiping right on HR policies! 😅💼❤️

• 
  Quitting a job is not enough. I need them to go out of business when I leave.

  Commentary:
  Looks like your exit strategy involves their grand exit! 🚪💼😂

• 
  Twitter account so good even HR wants to see it.

  Commentary:
  Guess my tweets are now considered "professional development" material 😂📈 #HRGoals

• 
  This meeting could have been a cave painting.

  Commentary:
  When you've gone from hunting mammoths to hunting for the unmute button 🦣😂🎨

• 
  I hope this out-of-office message finds you well.

  Commentary:
  When your out-of-office message is living its best life while you're stuck in a meeting 🤔📧🎉

• 
  On my way to HR again for nicknaming my coworker “Mastercard” because they take credit for other people’s work.

  Commentary:
  Another day, another HR meeting. At least I've got points for creativity! 😂💼

• 
  (To my coworker that’s a year younger than me) You’re like a son to me.

  Commentary:
  You're basically my time-traveling mini-me! 👶🕰️😂

• 
  Corporate life requires an ass-licking skill set I simply wasn’t born with.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like I missed the "how to be a human vacuum" class in school! 😂🧹

• 
  A job interview is basically a conversation between two liars.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like a game of poker where everyone is bluffing their way to a full house! 🤥🃏😂

• 
  My boss was like, “People working from home are just pretending to work,” and it’s like, dude, what do you think I’m doing in the office?

  Commentary:
  So true! At least at home, my cat keeps me accountable 😸💻🥱

Top funny workplace quotes

• 
  Actually, no one sees you at your worst like your coworkers do.

  Commentary:
  When it's "casual Friday" but your life is already in pajamas mode every day 🤪👕💼

• 
  Got sent to HR for calling someone a “jellyfish” — just floating around all day, doing absolutely nothing.

  Commentary:
  Guess I should have picked a "sea turtle" instead for their laid-back nature 🌊😅🐢

• 
  Imagine working at Pornhub. At like the corporate office as a developer or whatever. White collar. That’s gotta be a weird job. Working there has gotta be bloody weird.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like a job where "debugging" takes on a whole new meaning! 🖥️🤯🍑

• 
  Jobs be asking me for 3 references, and I think I might start doing the same. Like, let me talk to 3 happy employees, please.

  Commentary:
  Who knew job hunting was like dating, but with references? 😂📞🥸

• 
  “AI is coming for your jobs!” I’d like to see AI take a 30-minute poop right after clocking in.

  Commentary:
  At least AI won't hog the bathroom at work! 🚽🤖💼

• 
  Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid. I asked. Twice.

  Commentary:
  "Remember, the 'no hitting coworkers' policy is non-negotiable 🚫👊 Even if some seem to test the limits of your patience 🙄 Just double-checked with HR, and yep, still a firm no-go. Sorry, folks! 😅 #OfficeEtiquette"

• 
  Stay an extra hour in the office and no one cares. Arrive a few minutes late and everyone loses their minds.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the classic office paradox: Work overtime and get a collective shrug 🤷‍♂️, but show up a tad late and suddenly it's all chaos and drama 🤯! Because clearly, punctuality is the true measure of professional success 🕒⏳. Who knew the secret to world domination lay in the hands of a clock ⏰? Just don't let your boss catch you eyeing that clock too eagerly 🧐👀

• 
  My company promotes diversity. We’d never hire twins.

  Commentary:
  "Sorry twins, you'll have to take turns applying at this company! We're all about unique individuals here 😉👯‍♂️ #NoTwinningAllowed"

• 
  My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like the presentation itself was the real joke! 💸😅 Hope the punchline was worth it, or at least enough to cover the disappointment. #CorporateHumor"

• 
  Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle.

  Commentary:
  🤪📚 "Hmm, let's see... Ah, here it is! Page 47, Section 3.5: 'Thou shalt not unleash random weird noises that disturb thy cubicle neighbors.' Looks like you're officially busted! Better start practicing your silent mime routines instead! 😂"

Popular funny workplace quotes

• 
  Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow.

  Commentary:
  "Me: *sends enthusiastic text about work*

  Boss: *ignores*

  Me: *cries in emojis* 😭💔

  Who knew excitement was a one-sided affair at the office? 🤷‍♂️💼 #MondayBlues"

• 
  Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant IKEA ball pit.

  Commentary:
  "Imagine the brainstorming sessions - diving deep into ideas and cushions simultaneously! 💭🛋️ Can't decide if we should build team rapport or a new shelf first... 🤔💡 Who knew that bright yellow balls could spark such creative breakthroughs? 🟡🔮 #ProductivityinStyle"

• 
  Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

  Commentary:
  "Breaking News: Retail Olympics now offering a daily brawl event! 🥊😂 Unleash your inner frustrations and let the customer showdowns begin! Who will take home the gold medal in the 'Can I Speak to Your Manager' category? Stay tuned for the ultimate showdown of patience vs sass! 💥🌟 #CustomerServiceRumble"

• 
  Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the age-old wisdom of not sipping on a margarita while negotiating a higher salary 🍸💰 A clear mind leads to clear arguments, after all! Time to put down the cocktail and pick up the confidence instead! 🚫🍹 #RaiseNegotiationEtiquette"

• 
  Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the classic 'let's agree to disagree' - the diplomatic way of saying 'let's just nod and move on' 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♀️. A surefire strategy for avoiding those never-ending debates that make you question your life choices 🤣. Just remember, when in doubt, agree to disagree and grab some popcorn for the show! 🍿👏"

• 
  I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

  Commentary:
  "Move over, humans! The real MVP in this summer heat is none other than the air conditioner. 🥶🏆 Let's show some appreciation and hang that 'Employee of the Month' plaque with pride! 😂 #ACforPresident"

• 
  After an hour on this team meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore.

  Commentary:
  Looks like someone's ready to trade in their team player jersey for a lone wolf outfit! 🐺Who knew a team meeting could have such powerful anti-team building effects? 😅 Just remember, teamwork makes the dream work...or at least that's what they say! #TeamMeetingBlues

• 
  Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

  Commentary:
  "Can you picture the chaos at an IKEA team building event? 🤯 Participants trying to assemble a teamwork tower but ending up with a dysfunctional chair! 😂 It would definitely test their patience and bond them through the shared struggle of understanding cryptic instructions! 🛠️😆 #TeamworkFail"

• 
  I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs expensive vacations when you have a trusty hand stamper to create the illusion of a wild nightlife? 😄💼 #OfficeLifeGoals #StampingMyWayToAdventure"

• 
  Anyone who deals with customers on a professional basis should be allowed to hand out one face slap per day.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the infamous customer service face slap allowance - because sometimes a well-timed *smack* is worth a thousand words! 💥😂 But hey, let's stick to our delightful smiles and polite responses instead, shall we? 😉 #CustomerServiceChallenges"

More funny workplace quotes

• 
  Anyone who thinks office jobs are harmless has never cut their finger on paper.

  Commentary:
  "Office jobs: where paper cuts are considered extreme sports 📄💥 Don't underestimate the danger lurking in the seemingly innocent world of staplers and binders! 💼😆"

• 
  Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

  Commentary:
  "Subject: Re: Meeting Minutes 📝
  Message: Great insights, team! 🤔 Ya think? 😂💡 #EmailHumor"

• 
  Why would I spend money on the zoo when I can watch my colleagues for free?

  Commentary:
  "Who needs a ticket to the zoo when you have a front-row seat to the wild antics of your colleagues in the office jungle! 🐒🦁 Save money, stay entertained, and perhaps even learn a thing or two about the fascinating species that is 'the co-worker.' 🤣 #OfficeSafari"

• 
  Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you.

  Commentary:
  "Want to assert your authority at work? Simply beat your coworkers to the punch by pointing out their sleepy eyes before they can even mention yours. It's all about that pre-emptive strike, folks! 💪😏 #OfficePowerMoves"

• 
  I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason.

  Commentary:
  "If only we lived in a purr-fect world where we could use our feline instincts to handle office conflicts! 😼 Just imagine the satisfaction of swatting away those annoying emails and deadlines! 🐾 #MeowtivationMonday"

• 
  The Pope is the only employee who never gets to see his boss. Not even at the Christmas party.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like the Pope missed out on scoring some divine holiday bonuses this year! 🎅🎄🎁 #PopeProblems"

• 
  I could never work in an aquarium. I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift.

  Commentary:
  "Just imagine waddling out of the aquarium with a cute little penguin peeking out from under your shirt like 'Surprise!' 🐧😂 Who needs pockets when you have a penguin pal!"

• 
  The question of whether an employer values its employees is sometimes answered by the toilet paper.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the age-old litmus test for employee appreciation - the humble toilet paper! 🚽💸 If you find yourself unravelling single-ply sandpaper in the workplace restroom, it might be time to update your resume pronto! 😂📝 Remember folks, happy employees = soft, plush TP! 🌟🧻 #EmployerAppreciation"

• 
  HR has told me to stop saying ‘How stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

  Commentary:
  Oh, HR always trying to ruin the fun! 🤣 Remember folks, asking 'How stupid can you be?' is not a challenge, it's just a rhetorical question...maybe. 😜 #HRwoes #OfficeHumor

• 
  After I drink coffee, I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

  Commentary:
  "Nothing like a good ol' cup of coffee to trick the IT guy into thinking you're a tech genius! ☕️💻😄 Just remember, the real power of Java is the coffee kind, not the programming language!"

Witty workplace quotes

• 
  My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job.

  Commentary:
  Oh no, the dreaded office birthday celebrations strikes again! 🎉 Looks like it's time to update the resume and start job-hunting for a workplace that won't throw surprise parties. 🎂 Who knew a cake could cause such chaos? 🍰 #OfficeDrama

• 
  You should be allowed to go home early from work if you miss your dog a lot.

  Commentary:
  If missing my dog was a valid excuse, I'd be home before I even left! 🐶🏃‍♂️✨

• 
  I think my boss is delusional; he keeps shaking his head and calls me Jesus Christ.

  Commentary:
  When your boss keeps confusing your work ethic with turning water into wine 🍷😇 #PromotionPending

• 
  My boss doesn’t want dogs in the office. But he didn’t say anything about alpacas.

  Commentary:
  Looks like someone found a sneaky loophole in the office pet policy! 🐶❌🦙✔️ Forget "take your dog to work day" - it's all about "take your alpaca to work day" now! Watch out, your boss might soon be giving you the side-eye during team meetings with an unexpected furry friend by your side. 😂🦙👔

• 
  If my trainee says “oh God” one more time, he’s going to meet him.

  Commentary:
  Looks like the trainee might just get a divine intervention 😂🚂⛪️. Hope they'd say "oh snap" instead!

• 
  I hate it when I’m gossiping at work and a customer wants to be served. How rude is that?

  Commentary:
  "Oh, the audacity! How dare these customers interrupt our juicy gossip sessions at work! 🙄 Clearly, they need to learn to read the room better 😂 Let's make a 'No Customers Allowed During Tea Time' rule, shall we?"

• 
  A tip for your next salary negotiation: simply tell your boss “either I get a pay rise or I go out and tell everyone I got one!”

  Commentary:
  "Brilliant idea! Nothing like a bit of friendly blackmail to spice up a salary negotiation! 💸😂 Just remember to wink and chuckle for extra impact! 😉 #NegotiationSkills"

• 
  I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

  Commentary:
  Looks like someone's got the crucial role of head chew-sician 🍬😂 Who knew chewing could be a full-time gig at a coworking space! Bet his job title is "Chief Chewing Officer." 😋👨‍💼 #LivingTheDream

• 
  Anyone who says there are no stupid questions is welcome to drop by my office. My colleagues will prove you wrong.

  Commentary:
  "Whoever claims there are no stupid questions clearly hasn't met my coworkers! 🤪🤦‍♂️ Feel free to swing by the office for a crash course in 'questionable' inquiries. 🤓🚀"

• 
  I hope this email punches you square in the face.

  Commentary:
  "Whoa there, email! Watch out for those sharp corners! 😂💥💻 #EmailsWithAttitude"