New funny workplace quotes

• Stay an extra hour in the office and no one cares. Arrive a few minutes late and everyone loses their minds.

• Apparently “Spite” is not an appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

• Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid. I asked. Twice.

• “AI is coming for your jobs!” I’d like to see AI take a 30-minute poop right after clocking in.

• Jobs be asking me for 3 references, and I think I might start doing the same. Like, let me talk to 3 happy employees, please.

• Imagine working at Pornhub. At like the corporate office as a developer or whatever. White collar. That’s gotta be a weird job. Working there has gotta be bloody weird.

• Got sent to HR for calling someone a “jellyfish” — just floating around all day, doing absolutely nothing.

• Actually, no one sees you at your worst like your coworkers do.

• My boss was like, “People working from home are just pretending to work,” and it’s like, dude, what do you think I’m doing in the office?

• A job interview is basically a conversation between two liars.

Top funny workplace quotes

• Corporate life requires an ass-licking skill set I simply wasn’t born with.

• (To my coworker that’s a year younger than me) You’re like a son to me.

• On my way to HR again for nicknaming my coworker “Mastercard” because they take credit for other people’s work.

• I hope this out-of-office message finds you well.

• This meeting could have been a cave painting.

• Twitter account so good even HR wants to see it.

• Quitting a job is not enough. I need them to go out of business when I leave.

• Deleting dating apps to meet someone the old-fashioned way (in the HR department).

• No HR complaint formed against me shall prosper.

• Been acting really busy today because I can tell my coworker wants to talk about something in his personal life.

Popular funny workplace quotes

• I told a joke to my boss, and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

• Me: This is a hard escape room. Manager: You’re at work.

• Wait… if you’re circling back and I’m touching base, who the hell is monitoring the situation?

• Controlling your anger at work is a job in itself.

• A friend’s boyfriend is not my friend… that is a coworker, at best.

• I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. Got some sick rhymes about Debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing.

• Drugs do not ruin your career. Drug tests do.

• If the office is always a little cold, you might be working for the lizard people.

• Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.

• Someone at my job mentioned severance, and I was like, “Oh my God, I love that show,” and they said, “No, I’m about to get fired.”

More funny workplace quotes

• The worst part about going to work is the part where you have to go to work.

• Just got hired at Five Guys as the guy who punches the burger before they put it in the bag.

• Every day, a new coworker asks if you’ve used ChatGPT, and the conversation doesn’t end if you say “No.”

• Quitting my job to focus more on my desire not to work anymore.

• Do you think working at Pizza Hut would help you get a job at Sunglass Hut? You know, with all that hut experience?

• Dear unsuccessful applicant, we ultimately decided to split the role between existing staff without paying any of them extra.

• Apparently, stress balls are not supposed to be thrown at people who are stressing you out.

• Say what you want about online meetings, but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

• I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me.

• Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job.

Witty workplace quotes

• Every day, I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

• People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

• I’m far too underqualified for adult life, and I feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly.

• “PTO” stands for “prepare the others” because you’re not gonna be there.

• Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand …”

• I’ve started ripping my shirt in half like Hulk Hogan when I mean business. Long story short, I’m looking for a new job.

• The lion does not concern himself with attaching a cover letter.

• Working my first office job. Is it normal to have nothing to do?

• Ok, hear me out: a reality show where billionaire CEOs have to live off of their lowest-paid employees’ salaries for a month.

• Don’t ask me for work advice, I’m just going to tell you to quit your job.

Funny workplace quotes remind us that no matter where you work, some things are universally ridiculous 😂. From coworkers with questionable habits 🤦‍♂️ to printers that only break when you’re in a hurry 🖨️, the workplace offers endless comedy gold 🤣. These quotes are perfect for sharing with colleagues who appreciate the daily madness 🙃. So grab your coffee ☕, brace for the next unexpected “emergency,” and keep laughing your way through workplace chaos 🤪!