Advice is the only gift people give you where they get offended if you don’t use it, even if the advice was “you should definitely try cutting your own bangs.” 💇♂️✂️ We live in an age of unsolicited wisdom, where everyone from your mailman to a random person in a Facebook comment section feels qualified to tell you how to live your life. 📬🗣️ The problem is that most “life hacks” are just ways to make a simple task take three times longer, and most “inspirational” guidance sounds like it was written by a person who has never actually had to pay a bill or deal with a broken printer. 🖨️📉 Whether it’s the classic “just be yourself” (which is terrible advice if you’re a jerk) or the ever-popular “follow your heart” (which is how I ended up eating a whole block of cheese at 3:
New funny advice quotes
- If you get bitten by a snake and you’re not sure if it was poisonous, simply wait to see if you die or not. That should give you your answer.
- You can be under 25, just don’t do it around me.
- For your own sanity, move on like you never knew them, because in reality, you never did.
- You don’t get to comment on the world until you’ve made your bed.
- For your own sanity, always take mixed signals as a no.
- I don’t know who needs to hear this, but that much caffeine can’t be good for you.
- Stop rushing in the morning. You’re starting your day in panic mode.
- Pro tip: Avoid the news for a couple of days and have some fun.
- I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your dog can stay home for the hour you’re at the grocery store or restaurant.
- “Just be yourself”—that has gotten me mixed results in the past.
Top funny advice quotes
- Have you tried just not thinking about it? Like, ever again?
- You’re over 35. Better go pee before you leave, pee when you get there, pee while you’re there, and pee before you leave.
- I don’t know what millennial needs to hear this, but throw away the box your phone came in. You don’t need it. You will never need it.
- I don’t give people directions. What if no one wants them there?
- I do not care how bad the relationship is, I am NOT calling a radio station for advice.
- Stop expecting people to be as cool as you, it’s a recipe for disappointment.
- What’s wrong, babe? You hardly touched your own advice you give to others.
- I do not know how to put this gently, but part of being a good driver is using the gas and brake as little as humanly possible.
- Take your days off, these jobs don’t care about you.
- I know life can be tough, but you still gotta wear deodorant.
Popular funny advice quotes
- Until you have enough money to misbehave… behave.
- My advice to anyone with a job: be the last one in, the first one out, and do as little as possible while getting maximum pay.
- Sometimes, when you go with the flow you end up drowning with everyone else.
- Many of you need to put “lighten up” on your resolutions list.
- Someone at work is gonna suggest you download Outlook and Teams on your phone, and it’s very important that you don’t listen to them.
- Asking doctors about nutrition is like asking software engineers about printers, they really have no idea.
- The worst person you know is in therapy right now, being told they need to put themselves first.
- In your 20s, you’ll meet a short man. It’s very important you jump over him.
- Do men know they don’t have to date if they’re not over their ex?
- If you’re having a good day today, don’t play Wordle.
More funny advice quotes
- Don’t be boring. Create the gossip you would like to hear.
- After hearing that I have too many books and too many bookshelves, I’ve decided to cut back on the amount of people I listen to.
- It’s our first time on Earth, so why are you a life coach?
- People say, “Listen to your heart, do the right thing,” like they are the same things.
- If I were to “picture everybody in the room naked,” I would be stunned and in awe of the beauty and diversity of the human form before me. But thanks for the advice.
- There’ll be a time someone will convince you to watch Game of Thrones. It is very important that you listen to them and watch.
- When you are in your 20s, there is going to be an urge to binge The Sopranos. it is very important that you press play.
- A guy waited exactly 3 days to text me. Someone’s been studying the ancient scrolls of 1980s dating advice.
- In your twenties, there may be love. It’s very important to ignore this love and pursue a master’s instead.
- I highly recommend getting yourself a “How can I help” partner and not a “You will be fine” partner.
Witty advice quotes
- Stop trying to be liked by everybody. You don’t even like everybody.
- If your family starts fighting on Thanksgiving, go live.
- When someone loses something, I like to ask helpful questions like ‘Where did you last see it?’ and ‘Where did you put it?’ and ‘Where is it?’
- “NOT dishwasher safe!” You’ll be okay, buddy, just do your best in there.
- Life is too short. Tell his mom what he did to you.
- “Stop overthinking.” Oh, wow. Hadn’t considered that. Solved.
- “Do something with your life.” Um, I am. Have you heard of a little thing called squandering?
- Maybe the grass is greener over there because you’re not over there messing it up.
- Nothing you want to do has a timeline.
- Relationship tip: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Ignoring Everything You Just Read To Go Make Your Own Mistakes
This concludes our masterclass in wisdom that you should probably take with a very large grain of salt—and maybe a slice of lime and a shot of tequila. 🧂🍹 If these lines taught you anything, it’s that the best advice is usually the kind you give to other people but never actually follow yourself. 🤷♂️✨ Life is a lot more fun when you stop trying to find the “right” way to do things and just focus on not setting anything on fire. After all, a mistake is just an experience you haven’t figured out how to monetize yet! Now, go forth and ignore some well-meaning suggestions from your relatives—you’re doing great just the way you are! ✌️😎🔥✨