New funny always quotes

• Remember: if we ever run out of things to talk about, we can always start kissing.

• Scientists don’t want you to know” is a phrase that always cracks me up because, if you actually meet a scientist, they will be shaking and crying like an overstimulated chihuahua with the need to let you know.

• If you’ve ever been kind to me, you get a little room in my mind forever, where the bed is always made, and the window is open, so it smells like rain.

• I always thought the Pink Panther solved mysteries or some shit, but he’s just this gay dude who bothers people.

• For your own sanity, always take mixed signals as a no.

• Unemployed folks always have esoteric knowledge, for some reason.

• Beginning of August is always wild because it’s peak summertime, but the veil is so thin, like it’s Halloween.

• Why do you always wanna change your life before you fall asleep, then in the morning you wake up like ‘Nah!’

• The best thing about dogs is you can act like something really good just happened, and they’ll instantly start celebrating too. They have no idea what the context is; they’re just always ready to party, no matter what.

• I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I’m a chair potato, and later I’ll be a bed potato.

Top funny always quotes

• I love people who refuse to follow the crowd. The crowd is always lost, follow your inner compass.

• No matter how weird things seem to get, there’s always an episode of The Twilight Zone that was eerily similar.

• “Gen Z is having less sex.” It’s always sex, sex, sex with these people.

• It’s always a huge relief when I’m reading a list of symptoms of a deadly disease, and it says unexplained weight loss.

• “I’m going to get more sleep tonight” is always the first lie I tell myself in the morning.

• Humanity doesn’t always make a compelling case for its continued existence.

• If you go by “Toni,” I always think your full name is Rigatoni.

• All the world’s a stage, and I always forget my line.

• What is the morning wood equivalent for women, and why do I always have it?

• Always the drunk texter, never the drunk textee.

Popular funny always quotes

• Why do DJs always act like their knobs are hot?

• Squirrels always look and act like it’s their first day being a squirrel.

• Twitter will always be your best app if you’re single, funny, or just depressed.

• The people who “don’t have time” and the people who “always find time” have the same amount of time.

• I always stop the microwave before it beeps because it’s not the boss of me.

• People who read and research will always sound crazy to people who don’t.

• January 1st always feels like a Sunday, regardless of what day it’s actually on.

• For my final act of love, I will never contact you again, but think of you always.

• I really cannot be friends with picky eaters because it somehow always correlates to bigger problems and character flaws.

• In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh and flies off like 20 miles east.

More funny always quotes

• If I worked construction, I would always say, “It’s hammer time,” when I left for work.

• “You’re always sleeping!” God forbid a girl wants to be unconscious.

• Anime characters are always like “But you didn’t know about my eye,” and then they activate their mode.

• Ever since I was a kid, I always knew I wanted to live in a galaxy far, far away.

• Why are those Mad Max guys always driving around, it’s not like there’s anywhere to go?

• You ever notice how fans of the worst music always focus on the meanings of the songs instead of the actual music?

• Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

• I be telling people, “I respect your decision,” and I really don’t. The decision is always something stupid, and I just don’t want to engage any further.

• Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always known I wanted to be a woman with a lot of money when I grew up.

• I always figure it out on my own, I just need to panic first.

Witty always quotes

• It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

• A thing I never realized about being an adult is that you will always be cleaning your kitchen. No matter if you get takeout, no matter if you’re gone all day, you will be cleaning the kitchen.

• Tons of names in my phones are “Kenny Landlord,” “Mike Electric,” or “Pete Do Not Answer,” and I just realized this is how Anglo surnames have always worked.

• Beds are always the coziest when it’s time to get up and you don’t want to.

• I always leave my friends voicemails in case they suddenly decide to be a musician and need an interlude.

• When life gives you lemons, take the lemons. They were a gift. Maybe life thought you liked lemons. Did you think about that? No, you’re always thinking about yourself.

• Probably always gonna be the weirdo that believes in magic.

• Ever since I was little, I always knew I wanted to retire.

• Procrastination isn’t a horrible thing. I mean, you always have something to do tomorrow… plus you have nothing to do today.

• The hardest thing about chess is the other guy is always doing some shit.

Accepting That Some Things Never Change (Especially Your Luck)

This brings our loop of eternal truths to a close, and if you’re like me, you’ve realized that the only thing you can always count on is that nothing ever goes exactly as planned. 🎢🌀 It’s comforting, in a twisted sort of way, to know that the universe has a consistent sense of humor. Even when life feels like a broken record, at least it’s a comedy album! 🎶🃏 The next time you feel like you’re trapped in a “here we go again” moment, just remember that consistency is the key to a good running gag. Now, go forth and embrace the inevitable—just make sure you always check for toilet paper before you sit down, because some laws of physics are not to be trifled with! ✌️😎🚽✨