A diet is a short period of time during which you eat things that taste like cardboard in the hopes of looking like a person who doesn’t eat cardboard. 📦👅 It is a psychological test of will where “self-control” is defined as the three seconds you spend staring at a donut before deciding that it technically counts as a circle, which is a shape, and therefore part of a well-rounded diet. 🍩📉 We live in a world of “superfoods,” “cleanses,” and people who claim to actually enjoy the taste of kale, while the rest of us are just trying to figure out if we can count “shredding cheese” as a form of cardio. 🧀🏃♂️ Whether you’re currently on a “seafood diet” (you see food and you eat it) or you’re following a strict regimen of “intermittent fasting” that only happens when you’re asleep, the struggle to stay away from the pantry is a universal comedy. 😂🌀 From the heartbreak of a salad that costs more than a steak to the sheer audacity of calories existing in the first place, we’ve gathered 50 of the funniest quotes about the quest for a flatter stomach and a fuller fridge. 😂🥦✨
New funny diet quotes
- You are allowed to have ice cream five times a week during the months of July and August, and it’s actually good for your health, according to science.
- Why are cheeseburgers unhealthy? If I had a salad with ground beef and a slice of bread, people would be raving about how bloody healthy it is.
- There should be a calorie refund for things that didn’t taste as good as you expected.
- Pouring Diet Coke directly into my gunshot wound.
- My diet plan is sometimes, when I’m eating chips, I drop some on the floor, and I don’t eat those ones.
- “A healthy lifestyle is all about balance,” I say as I drive through Taco Bell after working out.
- I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
- All of my fitness goals are within reach, but unfortunately, so are the crisps.
- There’s protein in foods that have never been protein before.
- I won’t be doing Dry January, because who was there for me during the happy times and the hard times? Not broccoli.
Top funny diet quotes
- Doing dry January, so I’ve had eleven Diet Cokes at this bar.
- December calories don’t count. That’s the law.
- That moment when it’s January in a couple of weeks, and you realize you are still trying to lose weight from last January.
- Eating dark chocolate is practically eating vegetables.
- Eating healthy requires a second job.
- Accidentally said I was on a diet instead of in a calorie deficit, and now everyone knows I’m from the 1900s.
- Whatever happened calorically this weekend can never happen again.
- Shutting up is gluten-free. Maybe add that to your diet, princess.
- Fun fact: Did you know that removing junk food from your diet can help you lose up to 90% of your will to live?
- Diet Coke is just a fridge cigarette.
Popular funny diet quotes
- Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
- Yesterday, I went to the grocery store, and I managed to come home without any junk food. Now, I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
- I’m planning to eat the rich, but can I sub out fries for a salad?
- Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids, knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
- I am on a diet where you just speak Italian: “Pasta,” “Pizza,” and “I’m leaving Rooma for dessert.”
- Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t want to talk about it.
- Feeling weird from my cookie-based diet.
- It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.
- Not eating the cookie I’m craving. I better wake up skinny tomorrow.
- The toughest part of being a vegan is keeping it to yourself.
More funny diet quotes
- Marriage is 33.3% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
- I’ve started eating healthier and exercising if you’re wondering why I’m in such a crappy mood all of a sudden.
- Being skinny may be nice, but chicken nuggets are even nicer.
- The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.
- How to have flat stomach: remove all of your organs.
- I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
- Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
- Don’t blame the holidays, you were already overweight in August.
- I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
- Ctrl Alt delete my fat.
Witty diet quotes
- If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
- Never eat more than you can lift.
- Carrots are a great thing to eat when you’re hungry, and want to stay that way.
- I followed a diet but it didn’t follow me back, so I unfollowed it.
- Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
- I love how these vegans still drink water. That’s a fish’s house!
- I’m on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.
- Wanted to update everybody on my diet. I’ve decided it’s okay to be fat.
- My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
- Being on a diet isn’t so bad if you don’t follow it.
Closing The Pantry Door Before Your Motivation Vanishes Into A Bag Of Chips
This nutritional journey finally reaches its “cheat day,” and hopefully, you’ve found enough humor to satisfy your cravings without needing a side of fries. 🍟🎈 It is a hilarious reality that we spend so much time obsessing over what we eat, only to realize that the most “balanced” diet is actually just having a cookie in each hand. 🍪⚖️ While the fitness world tries to convince us that “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,” anyone who has ever had a late-night taco knows that is a blatant lie designed to keep us away from the good stuff. 🌮🤥 Keep your goals realistic, your “cheat meals” legendary, and your sense of self-worth entirely independent of what a piece of floor-glass (the scale) has to say about your morning. Life is far too short to spend it counting every single almond or crying over a bowl of steamed spinach when there is a whole world of flavor out there waiting to be explored. Now, go forth and eat something delicious—or just tell everyone you’re “fasting” while you secretly finish off the leftovers! ✌️😎🍕✨