New funny health quotes

• Hey babe, do you wanna cuddle and regulate cortisol levels together?

• Capri Sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies.

• Probably the most depressed I’ve ever been in my life, except for a bunch of other times.

• Shit posting is cheaper than therapy.

• For your own sanity, move on like you never knew them, because in reality, you never did.

• Therapy isn’t enough. I need a new identity and a passport.

• Well, I’ve been depressed and poor, but sure, we’ll call it intermittent fasting.

• Isolation, the most goated coping mechanism. I love talking to no one and losing my mind alone.

• I don’t know who needs to hear this, but that much caffeine can’t be good for you.

• Have you tried just not thinking about it? Like, ever again?

Top funny health quotes

• You’re over 35. Better go pee before you leave, pee when you get there, pee while you’re there, and pee before you leave.

• Coolest part about starting a new job is the immunity to disease you get for 3 months till you get sick days.

• My mental health walks make my mental health worse because I live in a shithole.

• You know you’re over 50 when you have “upstairs Ibuprofen” and “downstairs Ibuprofen”.

• Nightmares are so embarrassing. Why is my anxiety working the night shift?

• Slipping into something a little more comfortable (psychosis).

• Can you imagine how hot I’d be if I ate right and took care of my body? I’m not gonna do it, but can you imagine?

• Therapy should be free and accessible because getting traumatized is free and accessible.

• The morning routine that takes the longest: finding the will to live.

• Welcome to your 40s. A random back pain will be assigned to you shortly, and you’ll never know what flares it up every time.

Popular funny health quotes

• It’s always a huge relief when I’m reading a list of symptoms of a deadly disease, and it says unexplained weight loss.

• Therapy isn’t gonna cut it, I need vengeance.

• Adulting: unlocking life’s mysteries, one therapy session at a time.

• The hard part about dating is finding someone who’s mentally ill enough to understand you, but not mentally ill enough to ruin your life.

• I thought being an adult meant cake for breakfast, not budgeting for therapy.

• There’s protein in foods that have never been protein before.

• No, I’m not depressed. I’m sure there’s just something wrong with the planets or stars or something.

• Therapy? You mean birdwatching.

• Addicted to bad posture. Omggg, why is it so comfortable to give yourself scoliosis?

• Turns out, sitting on the porch, feeding birds and squirrels, is a pretty good treatment for depression.

More funny health quotes

• One day my sanity went out for smokes and never came back.

• Going no contact with myself.

• My only issue with Ozempic is that some of y’all are taking it before considering the fact that you have a naturally large head.

• When you get to a certain age, your body becomes so disrespectful.

• Twitter will always be your best app if you’re single, funny, or just depressed.

• Unfortunately, forcing myself to take out the garbage, wash dishes, do a load of laundry, and vacuum has improved my mental health tenfold.

• Old people are right about crosswords and morning stretches, I will admit.

• Sausage might clog my arteries, but it lubricates my soul.

• My most abusive relationship is with my own brain.

• Being depressed is so embarrassing. It’s like, look at me, guys. I have nothing positive to say, and I make everything miserable.

Witty health quotes

• God gives the most irritable bowels to the most beautiful angels.

• I think it’s healthy to be a little horny at all times.

• Did you know? By replacing your coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 92% of what little joy you still have left in your life.

• I had a healthy appendix removed, just to show the other organs that I will not tolerate any bullshit.

• Everything is a sign from God if you’re schizophrenic enough.

• The worst person you know is in therapy right now, being told they need to put themselves first.

• Hand sanitizer will find a cut you didn’t even know you had.

• It’s crazy how drinking poison makes you feel like shit the next day.

• Normalize bed-rotting in the holidays and not feeling guilty about it for your mental health.

• Help, I accidentally used dark humor with normal people, and now they’re concerned for my mental health.

Closing The Medicine Cabinet Before You Self-Diagnose Something Terrifying

This brings our check-up to an end, and the prognosis looks like you’ll survive as long as you keep your sense of humor intact and your vegetable intake optional. 🩺💊 If these quotes hit a little too close to home, just remember that “balance” means having a green smoothie in one hand and a slice of pizza in the other. 🍕🥤 Life is much too short to spend every second worrying about your heart rate—sometimes the best medicine is just a loud laugh and an extra hour of sleep. Go ahead and take it easy today; after all, laughing burns calories, so you’ve basically already finished your workout for the week! ✌️😎🏃‍♂️✨