50+ Funny Myself Quotes That Prove We’re All Our Own Worst (And Funniest) Enemy

New funny myself quotes

• 
  Asking myself if that was too weird after I hit send.

  Commentary:
  When you hit send and immediately enroll in a witness protection program 🤦‍♂️😂📲

• 
  Had the bed all to myself last night, so you know what that means… I slept in a slightly different spot, and now my neck feels weird.

  Commentary:
  When you finally claim the entire bed but then ruin it with a rogue pillow move 😂🛌💥🦒 #SleepAdventures

• 
  Buying something nice for myself, cuz today would’ve been my birthday if I was born today.

  Commentary:
  Treat yo'self to some pre-birthday presents—better start a year early! 🎈🎉🛍️

• 
  I’ve convinced myself bumblebees don’t sting because they’re too fluffy and cute.

  Commentary:
  Fluffy friends: 1, logic: 0. 🐝😄

• 
  I need a day off from myself.

  Commentary:
  When I figure out how to call in sick to being me, I'll let you know! 🙃🤔😴

• 
  “I’m going to get more sleep tonight” is always the first lie I tell myself in the morning.

  Commentary:
  This is me every morning, and caffeine rewards me for being consistent 😂☕💤

• 
  My morning routine is basically just me convincing myself not to go back to bed.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like your bed should be giving motivational speeches with its level of persuasion! 🛏️😂☕

• 
  I love convincing myself iced coffee counts as hydration and self-care.

  Commentary:
  Iced coffee: the self-care elixir that keeps me hydrated and hyper-caffeinated! ☕️💧😄

• 
  My morning routine consists of talking myself out of quitting my job.

  Commentary:
  Trying to convince my alarm clock that I have a promising future as a professional napper 😴⏰😂

• 
  I need a vacation, but the kind where everyone else leaves, and I have my house to myself for a few days.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like the ultimate staycation plan: just me, my couch, and no missing snacks. 🍕📺✌️

Top funny myself quotes

• 
  Bob Ross could paint a forest in 10 minutes. I’ve been ‘working on myself’ for years, and I’m still unfinished.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like Bob Ross had his happy little trees figured out faster than I can find my own zen forest! 🌳🖌️🤔

• 
  Sorry, I would love to, but I just made a bunch of rules for myself, and I’m actually not allowed to do that.

  Commentary:
  Rules are rules, and my imaginary committee takes them VERY seriously! 🎩📜😂

• 
  I went from dancing with myself in the 80s to talking to myself now.

  Commentary:
  Looks like you've got a hit solo album featuring "Greatest Conversations"! 🕺💬🗣️

• 
  “Inconvenience is the cost of community,” I repeat to myself as I climb six flights of stairs for my friend’s birthday party for her cat.

  Commentary:
  Scaling Mount Cat Party! 🎉🐾 Better be some legendary tuna cake at the top! 🐱🎈

• 
  Where do I see myself in 5 years? Here, but fatter.

  Commentary:
  In 5 years, I'll be the same person with extra layers of wisdom and pizza! 🍕🤣

• 
  Just being myself is how we got into this mess.

  Commentary:
  Oops, I guess I'm the plot twist in my own sitcom! 😅🎬🚦

• 
  One time I refused to buy a watch because it was only waterproof to 100 meters. Not sure what sort of future I was imagining for myself there.

  Commentary:
  Looks like you were planning for an epic undersea career! 🐠🧜‍♂️🕒

• 
  Explaining myself is too much work, just judge me.

  Commentary:
  "Saving energy and embracing the judgment—I'm an eco-friendly enigma! 🌿🤷‍♂️😄"

• 
  I talk to myself in the same condescending tone, so you’re not special.

  Commentary:
  Join the club! My conversations with myself deserve an award for Best Comedy 🤣🗣️🎭

• 
  I feel bad for those that don’t enjoy their own company. I be having a ball by myself.

  Commentary:
  When you're your own best friend and the party never stops! 🎉🕺😄

Popular funny myself quotes

• 
  Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved staying up really late, hanging out with myself, and thinking about stuff and things.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like you've been preparing for the role of Night Owl Extraordinaire since childhood! 🌙🦉✨

• 
  Accidentally used men’s shower gel today, and I can already feel myself lying for no reason.

  Commentary:
  Having a strong urge to grow a beard and start giving unsolicited advice 🤔🧴😂

• 
  Awkward is the new sexy. At least that’s what I’m telling myself, so I don’t cry in front of strangers.

  Commentary:
  Embracing my inner dork and calling it charisma! 😂✨ #AwkwardAndProud

• 
  In every imagination I have pictured myself in, I’m never poor.

  Commentary:
  Living that billionaire daydream life, one imaginary mansion at a time! 🏰💸💭

• 
  Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, and if that doesn’t accurately describe my life, I don’t know what does.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like your blanket just initiated fight club! 🥊🛏️😂

• 
  I appreciate the interest, but I’m officially removing myself from the running to be the next James Bond. Thank you for your understanding.

  Commentary:
  Double oh no, I guess I’ll just have to stick to shaking cocktails, not stirring up trouble! 🍸🕵️‍♂️🎬

• 
  “You tryna hang?” Yeah bro, myself!

  Commentary:
  "Oh, just chilling with the best company ever – myself! Can't disappoint me, can't annoy me, can't steal my fries… Winning at life! 🕺🏼🤣 #JustMeMyselfAndI"

• 
  I don’t weigh myself because most scales don’t know how heavy all the grudges I’m holding onto are.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs a scale when your grudges are doing all the heavy lifting? 💪🏼😅 Remember, emotional baggage weighs more than any dumb old scale can measure! 🛍️"

• 
  The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

  Commentary:
  Ah, the eternal pondering of a mind constantly questioning its own actions! 🤔🕵️‍♂️ It's like having a personal jury living rent-free in your brain, passing judgment on every decision from what to have for breakfast to how to style your socks. Just imagine the jury members in there furiously scribbling notes while you debate the important issues like laundry day or nap time. 🧦💭 Remember, in the courtroom of self, always aim

• 
  I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am.

  Commentary:
  🐭 "I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am." 🦁

  Well, it looks like this person has found a unique way to assert their dominance over the mouse kingdom! Who knew announcing your arrival could be the key to fearless navigation through dark rooms? Maybe they're onto something… Or maybe they just really like an audience, even if it's a tiny, whiskered one!

More funny myself quotes

• 
  Sometimes, in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken, I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

  Commentary:
  "Who needs a rearview mirror when you can keep an eye on the road AND your chicken at the same time! 🚦🍗 #MultitaskingGoals"

• 
  Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs a therapist when you've got an expert like yourself on speed dial? 🤔💁‍♂️😂 #SelfTalkGoals"

• 
  I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out.

  Commentary:
  Looks like even you can't handle your own high standards, huh? 🤷‍♂️ Who knew dating yourself could be so complicated? Maybe it's time to treat yourself to a night out to rekindle the romance with… yourself 😂💔 #SoloDateNight

• 
  I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching TV.

  Commentary:
  Looks like the clones unionized for a sit-in protest on the couch! 🤣🛋️ At least they can bond over their mutual laziness and love for TV shows. Maybe they can start a club for clones who'd rather binge-watch than do chores! 📺🍿

• 
  Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the rare talent of impressing oneself with embarrassing moments – a true mastery of self-surprise 😳👏 Who knew embarrassment could be so impressive? Keep setting the bar high, even if it's with blush-inducing remarks! 🤣"

• 
  Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself.

  Commentary:
  "Please hold all interruptions until my embarrassment performance has concluded. 🙈💃🚫#AwkwardlySpeaking"

• 
  No, baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

  Commentary:
  Just a strategic rebranding, darling! 💁‍♂️ From significant other to expert ex, I'm elevating my status in your life. 😜 Who knew breakups could be so fashionable? 💔 #ChicExGoals

• 
  Every time I have to repeat myself, a new curse word gets added into the sentence.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like your vocabulary is expanding faster than your patience! 🤯🤬 Remember, a well-placed curse word can be quite cathartic – just don't let it become a full-blown novel! 📚😅

• 
  I like to push myself out of my comfort zone by sometimes sitting on the other end of my sofa.

  Commentary:
  Stepping out of your comfort zone one couch cushion at a time! 🪑 Sometimes the bravest adventures involve moving a whole 3 feet away from your usual spot. 😄 #SofaJourney #LivingOnTheEdge

• 
  World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

  Commentary:
  "World domination? 🌍 Nah, I can barely handle adulting for myself! 🤷‍♂️ It's all fun and games until someone asks me to take over the world! 😂"

Witty myself quotes

• 
  People my age are parenting actual humans, and I’m over here promising myself snacks if I fold the laundry.

  Commentary:
  Who knew growing up meant promising yourself cookies for doing chores instead of getting gold stars! 🍪🧺✨

• 
  I love when I can smell my perfume on myself, like damn girl, you smell delicious.

  Commentary:
  Channeling my inner snack and instantly making myself hungry with that fragrance magic! 🍬💃🌸

• 
  I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 10 maybe but not 3.

  Commentary:
  When it comes to social media validation, the struggle is real! 😂👏 Who knew the difference between 3 likes and 10 could be so significant? Remember, it's all about maximizing that digital clout, one like at a time! 📱💥 #DoItForTheDoubleDigits

• 
  Some people post such depressing love shit that I start to miss their exes myself!

  Commentary:
  "Reading their love posts is like a rollercoaster of emotions – you can't help but feel the urge to send condolences to the exes! 🎢😂 #RelationshipDrama"

• 
  Why does everyone always think that I know what I’m doing? Most of the time I watch myself in amazement and am curious to see what happens.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the mystery of *fake it till you make it* in full swing! 🤷‍♂️ It's like a surprise party thrown by your own actions – let's embrace the chaos and see what unfolds! 🎉😄"

• 
  Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like your presentation was a real rollercoaster ride without safety belts! 🎢🚫 #StaySafe"

• 
  The tragedy of my life is that I theoretically know when I shouldn’t say anything. And then I hear myself talking.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the classic struggle between theory and reality – the brain saying 'shh' but the mouth doing its own thing 🤭. Who can relate to this never-ending battle of self-control? It's like our mouths have a mind of their own sometimes, right? 😅 Just remember, sometimes silence truly is golden… in theory! 😉"

• 
  Eight times a day, I ask myself which object in the office will hurt me enough so that I can go home, but at the same time won’t hurt too much.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the eternal struggle of balancing work-life harmony! 🤔💼🏠 Just remember, aim for a paper cut level of pain, not a concussion! 😂📎 #OfficeDilemmas"

• 
  I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today.

  Commentary:
  "Mirror, mirror on the wall, why work hard at all? 😄 Looks like today, it's personality for the win! 💁‍♂️ #LetPersonalityShine"

• 
  Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like, ugh, everywhere I go there I am.

  Commentary:
  "Taking a break from yourself is like trying to escape your own shadow. 🌟😂 It’s like playing hide and seek with your reflection in a mirror… good luck trying to get away from ‘you’!"