New funny never quotes

• By the way, people have survived centuries without data centers, but have never survived without clean water.

• The Odyssey is proof that “on my way” has never meant “be there soon.”

• Why is there never an outbreak of something nice?

• I wouldn’t know if the stripper loves me. I’ve never been to a strip club. I mostly go to Lidl or Aldi.

• Parents’ phones make notification sounds I’ve never heard in my life.

• I have never fully recovered from the fact that I exist.

• I will never understand why every patient takes almost an hour with the doctor, but when I go in, I’m out in less than five minutes.

• Never underestimate the ability of ice cream to make you feel better when you’re having a bad day as an adult.

• You take a week or two away from working out, and your body acts like it’s never done a run or lifted a weight before.

• Sometimes you’re eating a salad, and it feels like it’s never going to end.

Top funny never quotes

• I’ve never found a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.

• Born to screenshot everything and never look at it again.

• A little time spent not acting your age is never a bad thing.

• When someone says they’re never going to talk to me again, I do the right thing and say thank you.

• Knowing I’ve been called crazy, but never ugly, is how I sleep at night.

• “I’ve never done parkour, but I have chased a toddler with an open Sharpie through the house.”

• “I’ll see” = not coming, never was coming, never even considered it.

• For your own sanity, move on like you never knew them, because in reality, you never did.

• Men will ask you zero questions about yourself, and then say they never met anybody like you.

• “You never reply to messages.” I am just one person, okay? I am understaffed.

Popular funny never quotes

• My kids will never appreciate the amount of extroverting the introvert me does for them.

• So heartbreaking to do laundry and realize you can’t wash the clothes you’re literally wearing right now… you will never have a completely fresh start.

• I don’t know what millennial needs to hear this, but throw away the box your phone came in. You don’t need it. You will never need it.

• AI could never steal company time the way I do.

• Whoever said, “Laughter is the best medicine,” clearly never tried Revenge.

• When my friends and I talk about sex, it’s never sexual. It feels scientific, almost.

• People say “I would never,” then here they come nevering like they never nevered before.

• People never run off to join the circus anymore.

• The younger generation will never know the fear and anxiety of calling your friend’s house, and their parents answer the phone.

• A guy who never leaves his apartment so he can get the maximum value out of his rent.

More funny never quotes

• After smartphones, we never got pictures of Bigfoot anymore. You know why? That’s right: 5G killed all the Bigfoots.

• Welcome to your 40s. A random back pain will be assigned to you shortly, and you’ll never know what flares it up every time.

• If it weren’t for the last minute, I’d never do anything.

• Laugh all you want. My Encyclopedia Britannica set will never require WiFi.

• Post beach shower is undefeated. Greatest feeling a human could experience. Throw a nap in there, and you will never touch serenity so close.

• There’s protein in foods that have never been protein before.

• Women are like a fitted sheet. No matter what you do or how hard you try, they just never seem to cooperate.

• You’ve never burned music to a CD, and it shows.

• I made soup while whispering “He was never mine,” like it’s 1893, and I just lost my beloved to a duel.

• Each day on Twitter, there is one main character. The goal is to never be it.

Witty never quotes

• One day my sanity went out for smokes and never came back.

• Just got revenge on someone who wronged me many, many years ago. Never relax, I’m coming.

• Never did learn what the knights in white sat in.

• Always the drunk texter, never the drunk textee.

• You’ll never see Asian parents kissing, hugging, or in any form of romance, but boom, 5 children.

• Will probably never be loved, but I have to send emails, so I can’t really think about that right now.

• If you break up with the same person enough times, you eventually get married. Never give up.

• Millennials are so young because we were never allowed to grow up. Still living like broke college kids in our 40s.

• Sarcastically saying “you’re welcome” to the people who don’t say thank you when I hold the door for them is something I’ll never stop doing.

• May you heal from that fanfic that never got updated.

Closing The Door On Things You Swore You’d Never Finish

You’ve made it through the list of things we promise to avoid but inevitably end up doing anyway. 🎢🤡 It’s funny how “never” usually has an expiration date of about forty-eight hours, especially when there’s pizza or a good sale involved. 🍕💸 Life is much more entertaining when you stop trying to be a person of your word and just embrace the fact that you’re a work in progress with very little willpower. Instead of sticking to your guns, try sticking to a plan that involves more naps and fewer rigid rules. Now, go ahead and do that one thing you said you’d never do today—just make sure it’s something fun and not something that involves a court date! ✌️😎🔥✨