New funny thing quotes

• A little time spent not acting your age is never a bad thing.

• When someone says they’re never going to talk to me again, I do the right thing and say thank you.

• Trust my gut? The thing that can’t even handle milk.

• A poorly timed two-factor authentication request will be the thing that finally kills me.

• I know Jesus was a carpenter, but I think he would’ve been a better plumber, you know, with the water thing.

• You relax for 15 minutes after work, and next thing you know, it’s 10 p.m.

• Nighttime is when I remember that one weird thing I said in 6th grade, and feel bad about it forever.

• The best thing about dogs is you can act like something really good just happened, and they’ll instantly start celebrating too. They have no idea what the context is; they’re just always ready to party, no matter what.

• What if the universe wasn’t infinite or finite, but a secret third thing?

• The first thing you need to know about social media is that everyone’s on vacation, except for you.

Top funny thing quotes

• My favorite thing to do when I see people I know in public is to pretend I didn’t.

• The only thing preventing me from moving to Finland is the language barrier and a job.

• The problem with expensive things is that you tend to want them.

• The only thing worse than a nightmare is waking up from a great dream before you get to see how it ends.

• When I said there’s no such thing as a dumb question, I didn’t expect them to take it as a personal challenge.

• Schedule your bikini wax for the first thing in the morning, and you won’t need that cup of coffee.

• I was explaining to my Ukrainian colleague the phrase ‘There’s no such thing as a free lunch’. She told me the equivalent in Ukrainian is ‘The only free cheese is in the mousetrap’ — which is so much better.

• Work beers should be a daily thing.

• The only thing that could possibly put a smile on my face is a Sharpie.

• I miss when YouTubers would just record for, like, 20 minutes, and upload the whole thing completely unedited.

Popular funny thing quotes

• Being alive and sentient has been the worst thing to have ever happened to me.

• As a childless adult, it is my duty to embrace hobbies and pastimes that my peers cannot, as they have sacrificed their free time to maintain the population. I must vibe and chill, and do fun things, in their honor.

• One thing I expect that we will learn from the vibe coding era is that most ‘idea guys’ don’t actually have very good ideas.

• Feel like if a bunch of gays were stranded on a desert island, they’d all drop that voice thing in, like, a day.

• The thing I bought on Etsy in 2017 has shipped.

• The funniest thing about 28 Years Later is that the rest of the world just went “Uhm, anyway!” and carried on as normal, while the Brits live in hell.

• How do people post 25 times a day? The only thing I can do 25 times a day is pee.

• The best thing about the internet is that you’re never the dumbest one here.

• The absolute hottest thing you can do in front of a woman is tame a horse, but unfortunately, modern life affords us little opportunities for that.

• Damn, I just realized that the future idealized version of myself can’t exist without current me being the catalyst for change and doing hard things.

More funny thing quotes

• The thing about Pink Floyd is they take a little while to start singing.

• No rizz, just pretty eyes and many unsettling things to say.

• Lack of sex really gets you mad at every little thing for no reason.

• How much longer do we have to keep pretending that Pilates isn’t a sex thing?

• Guess I’ll be getting the same thing for Christmas, again. Fat!

• Do cats have a sense of causation between grooming themselves and coughing up hairballs, or do they think it’s just an annoying separate thing which just happens to them sometimes?

• The only thing faster than an escalator is an escasooner.

• The whole “read before you go to bed to get sleepy” thing does not apply to me because I will be up till 5 a.m. if the book is worth it.

• Christmas lights: the only thing bright around here besides my personality.

• People say, “Listen to your heart, do the right thing,” like they are the same things.

Witty thing quotes

• If there’s one thing we can trust, it’s billionaires.

• Can you imagine if AI ever evolves into trying to kill us, and the thing that saves us is one of Cloudflare’s outages?

• That thing they say about getting drunk with the love of your life in a walkable city is no joke. It hits like crack.

• Monetizing Twitter was actually the worst thing to happen to this app. Everybody rage-baiting for 23 cents.

• As a beautiful woman, sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is “ew.”

• Being called ‘my love’ is probably the cutest thing, like yes, that’s me. I’m the one you love. I’m the only one you love. I’m your love. Say it again.

• Only thing I hate more than a liar is a liar that thinks I’m stupid.

• I just be minding my business, and next thing you know, a payment is due.

• Major cheat code in life: ask for the big, unreasonable thing. The universe meets you at your level of audacity.

• A thing I never realized about being an adult is that you will always be cleaning your kitchen. No matter if you get takeout, no matter if you’re gone all day, you will be cleaning the kitchen.

Putting That Weird Thing Back In The Junk Drawer Where It Belongs

You’ve reached the end of our inventory, and hopefully, you didn’t lose any of your own prized possessions along the way. 🏺📉 It’s funny how we spend our youth collecting things only to spend our adulthood trying to figure out how to get rid of them without hurting their feelings. 🚛💔 Objects might not have hearts, but they certainly have a knack for disappearing the exact moment you need them and reappearing five minutes after you’ve bought a replacement. The secret to a happy life isn’t owning the best things; it’s just being able to find the TV remote on the first try. Now, go ahead and organize that one drawer you’ve been avoiding—or better yet, just close it and pretend everything is fine! ✌️😎📂✨