Commentary:
Pretending to be a pirate at the grocery store keeps life spicy! 🏴☠️🛒🙃
338 Funny thing quotes
When someone says they’re never going to talk to me again, I do the right thing and say thank you.
Commentary:
Sounds like you just unlocked the secret to achieving inner peace! 😂🤐🙏
Trust my gut? The thing that can’t even handle milk.
Commentary:
Sounds like my gut needs a new job description—preferably one with lactose-free benefits! 🥛😂
A poorly timed two-factor authentication request will be the thing that finally kills me.
Commentary:
When that 2FA code comes at the worst time, my life flashes before my eyes like it's a season finale! 📱⏳🔐
I know Jesus was a carpenter, but I think he would’ve been a better plumber, you know, with the water thing.
Commentary:
He’d definitely have the pipes singing hallelujah! 🚰😄🙏
You relax for 15 minutes after work, and next thing you know, it’s 10 p.m.
Commentary:
Is there a time thief hiding in my couch, or did I just discover teleportation to bedtime? 🛋️⏰😴
Nighttime is when I remember that one weird thing I said in 6th grade, and feel bad about it forever.
Commentary:
Reliving my greatest hits from the awkward years, now playing on repeat at 3 AM 😂🛌💭
The best thing about dogs is you can act like something really good just happened, and they’ll instantly start celebrating too. They have no idea what the context is; they’re just always ready to party, no matter what.
Commentary:
When your dog is the ultimate hype buddy and thinks every day is a surprise birthday party! 🎉🐶🎈
What if the universe wasn’t infinite or finite, but a secret third thing?
Commentary:
Mind blown 🤯! Maybe the universe is actually just shy and hiding its true self behind cosmic sunglasses 🕶️✨.
The first thing you need to know about social media is that everyone’s on vacation, except for you.
Commentary:
Looks like I missed the memo and the margarita! 🍹🏖️ Guess I'm stuck here holding down the fort. 🏢😅