New funny things quotes

• There should be a calorie refund for things that didn’t taste as good as you expected.

• Shout out to people who rate and review things, because I don’t like to rate or review things, but I like to know how things are rated and reviewed.

• Not sure how to flirt, but I can make things awkward if you’re into that.

• I bet the guy who named the sperm whale wasn’t allowed to name things anymore after that.

• Well, it took several decades, but I might have finally run out of things to say.

• No matter how weird things seem to get, there’s always an episode of The Twilight Zone that was eerily similar.

• I just want someone who can read a book with me in silence, and then do ungodly things sometimes.

• It’s not fair when attractive people are also good at things.

• Crossing things off my to-do list… I didn’t do them, I just don’t want them on my list anymore.

• Things went well until the evil supermarket people hid my favorite products in new places.

Top funny things quotes

• The problem with expensive things is that you tend to want them.

• Grocery carts should have barcode scanners on them so you can see how much you’re spending as you put things in your cart.

• There are people who have a favourite colour, and there are people whose favourite colour is purple. These are very different things. Purple fans are different creatures.

• I highly recommend having hobbies. It distracts you from things like falling in love.

• Every single morning, I have to get out of bed and do things, and it’s bullshit.

• “Work smarter, not harder.” Brother, I’m not doing either of those things.

• Adding lol to things is good feng shui.

• The hardest part of corporate life is pretending to care about things that don’t matter.

• I love one-pot recipes. So much less mess than when I was trying to cook things without a pot.

• As a childless adult, it is my duty to embrace hobbies and pastimes that my peers cannot, as they have sacrificed their free time to maintain the population. I must vibe and chill, and do fun things, in their honor.

Popular funny things quotes

• I used to really want to be understood. Now I mainly just want things like snacks and juice.

• Guy on the day of the 1918 armistice, walking around the trench, clapping, saying things like “Great work, everyone,” and “We did it, team.”

• People will say “sounds good” at work when things don’t sound good at all.

• Grok, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

• Let me seduce you with my knowledge on useless things.

• Damn, I just realized that the future idealized version of myself can’t exist without current me being the catalyst for change and doing hard things.

• Every Stranger Things scene is just a guy in a wig being like, ‘We have to stop them.’

• I’ve watched porn with better writing than Stranger Things.

• If I had a wife, I’d text her things like, ‘What’s your full name?’ and ‘When’s your birthday?’

• No rizz, just pretty eyes and many unsettling things to say.

More funny things quotes

• They should invent a brain that doesn’t whisper bad things to you.

• Getting a wife is very powerful, because you get a personal psychic that will tell you things like, “Your keys are in the gray pants in the hamper,” and “He will ultimately betray you.”

• Unfortunately for things, they have no choice but to work out for me.

• “Some things are better left unsaid,” I think to myself immediately after I hit send.

• If I walk into a girl’s house and she got like 50 plants, I know she’s a keeper because she already takes care of a bunch of useless things. What’s one more?

• The modern condition is mostly trying to do things on your own that people have historically achieved with a large support network, and wondering why you’re tired all the time.

• Having a crush on a girl makes you think things like, yes, let me make more money.

• My guardian angel is probably preoccupied with sports betting apps and generative AI, that’s why she’s letting all these bad things happen to me.

• If Stranger Things was British, it would be called ‘Bit odd, innit?’

• People say, “Listen to your heart, do the right thing,” like they are the same things.

Witty things quotes

• The miracle of DoorDash is that I just pick up my phone, punch a few things into it, and within half an hour I have, at my door, a $52 salad.

• Has anyone else noticed that it’s hard to do things when you don’t want to?

• I say things I don’t mean on spicy chicken.

• Getting older is so fun. Your life goals slowly transition from things like ‘land a dream job’ to ‘successfully grow a cherry tomato.’

• I love that retail therapy works on me. I am so much happier and at peace when I’m buying things for myself.

• Few things in life are as disappointing as having to poop right after a shower.

• We just accepted air fryers and never once questioned how air fries things.

• Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service? Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.

• I hate when I lose things at work, like my favorite pen or my will to live.

• If bugs could talk, they would probably say things like, “What the bug?”

Tidying Up The Junk Drawer Before Your Belongings Start A Revolution

Our houses often feel less like sanctuaries and more like museums dedicated to our poor impulse control and forgotten hobbies. 🏺📉 It is a bizarre human instinct to believe that having the “right thing” will solve all our problems, only to realize that the “right thing” usually just needs to be dusted or stored in a place we’ll immediately forget. 🧹🌀 Happiness isn’t found in a crowded closet; it’s usually found in the relief of finally throwing away a box you’ve been moving from apartment to apartment for a decade. Keep your attachments light and your storage bins labeled, because at the end of the day, you can’t take it with you—and your heirs probably don’t want your collection of vintage tangled cables anyway. Now, go forth and organize that one shelf you’ve been avoiding—or just close the door and pretend the “things” aren’t winning! ✌️😎📂✨