265 funny things quotes - Wordgag

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

May 23, 2026

Hug your children as often as you can. They can’t break things during this time.

May 23, 2026

Science has enough bodies, I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit.

May 23, 2026

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once, like a squirrel on crack.

May 23, 2026

If you like constant interruptions when you’re trying to get something done, then parenting might be for you.

May 23, 2026

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now.

May 23, 2026

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here. Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s all that happens in small towns.

May 23, 2026

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like “please don’t vacuum your sister”

May 23, 2026

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

May 23, 2026

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon.

May 22, 2026

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

May 22, 2026

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

May 22, 2026

The two most popular things to do on the internet are arguing about politics and looking at naked people. Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics.

May 22, 2026

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

May 22, 2026

I’m having a garage sale and hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

May 22, 2026

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”.

May 22, 2026

Being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my two least favorite things.

May 22, 2026

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

May 22, 2026

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

May 22, 2026May 22, 2026

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

May 22, 2026

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

May 22, 2026

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

May 22, 2026

Twitter actually is my diary, so you’re not allowed to get mad at the things I post. You’re not even supposed to be reading this. Why were you going through my stuff?

May 22, 2026

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and the batteries for the remote.

May 22, 2026

Due to unfortunate circumstances, things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious.

May 22, 2026

Stop normalizing things, we’ll run out of the weird shit.

May 22, 2026

One of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through.

May 22, 2026

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

May 22, 2026

You ran a half marathon? That’s really cool, I’ve almost finished a bunch of things, too.

May 22, 2026

“Well, at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination.

May 22, 2026

Being single allows you to do a lot of things. For example, standing naked in the kitchen at night and eating cold pizza.

May 22, 2026

Grandparents are there to help the kids get into trouble and teach them stupid things they wouldn’t think of on their own.

May 21, 2026

You should tell different people completely different things about yourself so that they then get into arguments when gossiping about you.

May 21, 2026

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

May 21, 2026

I always fear that one day I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet.

May 21, 2026

I’m going to be real with you. My dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon.

May 21, 2026

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”.

May 21, 2026

I’m always best at the things I shouldn’t do.

May 21, 2026

You should always wear a helmet when doing dangerous things or talking about politics.

May 21, 2026

I don’t flirt. I just say weird things and hope you interpret them romantically.

May 21, 2026