New funny workplace quotes

• Having a job is lowkey a great way to stay hydrated, ’cause you get so bored you start drinking water for fun.

• Everything is urgent in corporate, except recognition and salary increases.

• Work beef is so unnecessary, like, just do your job and go home.

• It took two days to elect the Pope. It shouldn’t take five interviews over a month to hire someone.

• My office job is a ruse, a cleverly designed adult daycare to prevent me from causing any trouble.

• (To my coworker that’s a year younger than me) You’re like a son to me.

• On my way to HR again for nicknaming my coworker “Mastercard” because they take credit for other people’s work.

• I hope this out-of-office message finds you well.

• This meeting could have been a cave painting.

• Twitter account so good even HR wants to see it.

Top funny workplace quotes

• Quitting a job is not enough. I need them to go out of business when I leave.

• Deleting dating apps to meet someone the old-fashioned way (in the HR department).

• Switching jobs is so scary. What if they use Microsoft Teams instead of Slack?

• This simulation is no longer boring, since they replaced management.

• The only way to deal with a micromanaging boss is microreporting.

• Corporate life is watching someone get promoted and suddenly develop a new personality in meetings.

• Slow blinking at my boss so he knows I want a raise.

• Normalize booing in the workplace.

• Me to HR: Okay, but you have to admit that was funny.

• I bring a sort of “this isn’t actually urgent” vibe to the workplace that managers don’t like.

Popular funny workplace quotes

• Co-worker: You look so unapproachable. Me: Yet, here you are.

• Referring to my boss’s wife as my boss-in-law.

• Asian girl at tech company: Wow, everyone here is so friendly.

• I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later, my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

• No HR complaint formed against me shall prosper.

• Been acting really busy today because I can tell my coworker wants to talk about something in his personal life.

• I told a joke to my boss, and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

• Me: This is a hard escape room. Manager: You’re at work.

• Wait… if you’re circling back and I’m touching base, who the hell is monitoring the situation?

• Controlling your anger at work is a job in itself.

More funny workplace quotes

• A friend’s boyfriend is not my friend… that is a coworker, at best.

• I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. Got some sick rhymes about Debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing.

• Drugs do not ruin your career. Drug tests do.

• If the office is always a little cold, you might be working for the lizard people.

• Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.

• Someone at my job mentioned severance, and I was like, “Oh my God, I love that show,” and they said, “No, I’m about to get fired.”

• The worst part about going to work is the part where you have to go to work.

• Just got hired at Five Guys as the guy who punches the burger before they put it in the bag.

• Every day, a new coworker asks if you’ve used ChatGPT, and the conversation doesn’t end if you say “No.”

• Quitting my job to focus more on my desire not to work anymore.

Witty workplace quotes

• Do you think working at Pizza Hut would help you get a job at Sunglass Hut? You know, with all that hut experience?

• Dear unsuccessful applicant, we ultimately decided to split the role between existing staff without paying any of them extra.

• Apparently, stress balls are not supposed to be thrown at people who are stressing you out.

• Say what you want about online meetings, but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

• I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me.

• Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job.

• Every day, I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

• People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

• I’m far too underqualified for adult life, and I feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly.

• “PTO” stands for “prepare the others” because you’re not gonna be there.

Packing Up Your Desk Before Someone Asks You To “Jump On A Quick Call”

This shift is officially over, and the best part is that you don’t even have to fill out a timesheet for the minutes you spent laughing at these observations. 🕔💨 It is a survival skill to realize that your job is just the thing you do to fund your actual life, which involves much less filing and much more sleeping. 🛌💸 While we all want to be “team players” and “self-starters,” there’s no shame in admitting that your primary motivation is the fact that you enjoy having electricity and indoor plumbing. Keep your “out of office” reply ready to go, your coffee mug filled to the brim, and your expectations for the Monday morning meeting low enough to avoid disappointment. Now, go forth and enjoy your freedom—or at least try to make it to the parking lot before your boss remembers one more “urgent” task! ✌️😎🚗✨