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Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New funny quotes: 39 this month

15,792 funny quotes and pics

17,796 funny quotes topics

Updated: Mar 9, 2026

 

 

285 Funny today quotes

Funny today quotes are perfect for those moments when you realize that “today” is just full of unexpected hilarity! 😅📅 Whether it’s the everyday struggles that become laughable or the little surprises that make your day, these quotes remind us that each day is a chance to find humor in the chaos. Here’s to making today as funny as possible! 😂🎉⏳

Okay, that’s enough todaying for today.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

One day I will start learning from my mistakes. Today is not that day. Tomorrow isn’t looking so good either.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

January 1st: anything is possible. January 2nd: but not today.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

Mr. Mixed Signals decided he likes me today.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

Coffee ain’t gonna cut it today. I need the blood of my enemies.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

When I was a kid, we still ate noodles. Then at some point we ate pasta. Today, we only eat carbs.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

Don’t forget to whine and complain about Monday today.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

Sorry, I can’t today, I have to rot in bed and squander my potential.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

Thursday is really unnecessary. Today could’ve been Friday.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

I’ve got the longest to-do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

Don’t forget to overestimate your importance today.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

A frightening number of young people alive today don’t know about Knight Rider.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

Today, I’m going to give it my almost.

Posted onJan 28, 2026

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

Posted onJan 28, 2026

Life is so funny because you think you look good today and a year later you look even better.

Posted onJan 28, 2026

I had a heated but interesting discussion today and they even agreed with me at the end. That’s exactly why I love talking to myself.

Posted onJan 28, 2026

Not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergusting right now.

Posted onJan 28, 2026

Tomorrow isn’t promised, so eat that cake today.

Posted onJan 28, 2026

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

Posted onJan 28, 2026

Me at war: You guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

Posted onJan 28, 2026

Went to the toilet today without my cell phone. There are 245 tiles.

Posted onJan 28, 2026

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up.

Posted onJan 28, 2026

I told myself I’d behave today. Then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow.

Posted onJan 28, 2026

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Posted onJan 28, 2026

Kids today have it much easier. When I was growing up and something bad happened, we had to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

Posted onJan 23, 2026

I met a microbiologist today. He was a lot bigger than I expected.

Posted onJan 23, 2026

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

Posted onJan 23, 2026

Trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating.

Posted onJan 23, 2026

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Posted onJan 23, 2026

My yoga instructor was drunk today. Put me in a very awkward position.

Posted onJan 23, 2026

Getting a lawn sign so people know what I think today.

Posted onJan 23, 2026

I’m in a comfy dress today, but I look like a potato in floral. Call me Nelly Flortato.

Posted onJan 23, 2026

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Posted onJan 23, 2026

I don’t know why doctors only give stickers to kids? Like, hello, I was also brave today.

Posted onJan 23, 2026

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather, but mostly because of the running.

Posted onJan 23, 2026

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