Not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergusting right now.

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Everyone’s gangsta until they spot a double rainbow in the sky.

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Caveman: I just invented the wheel. Journalist: Here’s why the wheel is bad for humanity.

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Super excited about a brand new week of faking it.

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Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

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Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

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I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way.

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Sorry, I’m late. I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind.

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You can recognize working-class kids by the fact that they hang their jacket over the chair in the restaurant and not on the coat hook.

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Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever.