285 funny today quotes - Page 5 - Wordgag

Procrastination isn’t a horrible thing. I mean, you always have something to do tomorrow… plus you have nothing to do today.

Mar 31, 2026

Been acting really busy today because I can tell my coworker wants to talk about something in his personal life.

Mar 31, 2026

Putting together a piece of furniture today, so my kids are about to learn swear words that haven’t even been invented yet.

Mar 31, 2026

Somebody somewhere today don’t know it’s their last day with all 10 fingers.

Mar 31, 2026

I hate when people ask me, “What did you do today?” Like, buddy, listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don’t know.

Mar 31, 2026

The sheer audacity of life to ask anything of me today.

Mar 31, 2026

Today I choose kindness, but we’ll see, it’s still early.

Mar 31, 2026

I’m doing a terrific job of not getting anything done today.

Mar 31, 2026

Not today, Satan, but next week works.

Mar 31, 2026

Today I went for a walk with a girl, she noticed me, so we went for a run.

Mar 31, 2026

We should be able to call in healthy: “I feel amazing today, and I’m not wasting it at work.”

Mar 31, 2026

A couple of years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

Mar 31, 2026

Can someone please just give me a participation trophy for making it through today, please?

Mar 31, 2026

I feel like my greatest accomplishment today has been not saying what I’m thinking out loud.

Mar 31, 2026

“I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong. For example, I thought it was a good idea to leave the house today, which, as it turns out, was a terrible mistake.”

Mar 31, 2026

Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.

Mar 31, 2026

I’ve decided that I’m going to underthink today.

Mar 31, 2026

If I have to look at any more spreadsheets today, you’re gonna have to spread my ashes.

Mar 31, 2026

Today is one of those days where I have to remind myself that you’re not allowed to strangle people.

Mar 31, 2026

Today I was in a taxi, and the taxi driver said, “I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do!” Then I said, “Turn left.”

Mar 30, 2026

Coffee ain’t gonna cut it today, I need to be chased through the woods by a machete-wielding maniac.

Mar 30, 2026

Today, I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word “irony.”

Mar 30, 2026

Making a record-breaking number of bad choices today, I’m really proud of myself.

Mar 30, 2026

Missed garbage day today, if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules.

Mar 30, 2026

Today, I’m wearing pink to raise awareness for people like me who forget to separate their red laundry from their whites.

Mar 30, 2026

I got called “pretty” today! Well, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying,” but I only focus on the positive things.

Mar 30, 2026

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. It’ll be much like today, but different enough to confuse me.

Mar 30, 2026

If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.

Mar 30, 2026

I accidentally used my dog’s shampoo today, and now I’m feeling like such a good girl.

Mar 30, 2026

No, it’s totally fine, Grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today.

Mar 30, 2026

If every day is a gift, today is socks.

Mar 30, 2026

I told a joke during a Zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Mar 30, 2026

I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

Mar 30, 2026

Don’t think my brain is braining properly today.

Mar 30, 2026

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will be acting weird today.

Mar 30, 2026

Gonna spend today following my cats into the kitchen and meowing at them until they give me treats.

Mar 30, 2026

I touched grass today, and I’m still like this. Please advise.

Mar 30, 2026

Today is the Mondayest Thursday that has ever been mistaken for a Friday in the history of Wednesdays.

Mar 30, 2026

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t want to talk about it.

Mar 30, 2026

Apparently, “I just don’t want to” is not a valid reason when your boss asks you why you’re not coming in today.

Mar 30, 2026