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Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New funny quotes: 6 this month

15,831 funny quotes and pics

17,824 funny quotes topics

Updated: Jun 2, 2026

 

 

 

 

 

285 Funny today quotes

Funny today quotes are perfect for those moments when you realize that “today” is just full of unexpected hilarity! 😅📅 Whether it’s the everyday struggles that become laughable or the little surprises that make your day, these quotes remind us that each day is a chance to find humor in the chaos. Here’s to making today as funny as possible! 😂🎉⏳

Me at war: You guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

Posted onMay 23, 2026

Went to the toilet today without my cell phone. There are 245 tiles.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I told myself I’d behave today. Then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

Kids today have it much easier. When I was growing up and something bad happened, we had to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I met a microbiologist today. He was a lot bigger than I expected.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

Trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

My yoga instructor was drunk today. Put me in a very awkward position.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

Getting a lawn sign so people know what I think today.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I’m in a comfy dress today, but I look like a potato in floral. Call me Nelly Flortato.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I don’t know why doctors only give stickers to kids? Like, hello, I was also brave today.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather, but mostly because of the running.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

Today, I changed a light bulb and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

Posted onMay 23, 2026

Donating blood today to make room for more food.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

If you’re out shopping today, be nice to retail workers. It’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars. Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

Posted onMay 22, 2026

One year older today, and still no closer to growing up.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work.“

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Just gonna drink light beers today, because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 30 times.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today!”

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today, they’re from me.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Warning: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I bought some coconut shampoo today. I got halfway home before I thought, “I don’t even have a coconut!”

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Good news: I set an all time high today! Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I now also have a device that tells me whether I’ve taken enough steps today. If I don’t make it one day, it barks and poops in my apartment.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Did I eat too much candy today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

It was so hot today, I thought I was going to be cremated.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

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