Commentary:
When your bed gives you a day pass and you're suddenly the king/queen of the world! 🛌👑🎉
289 Funny today quotes
Don’t forget to have an orgasm today. Partner is optional. Pleasure is not.
Commentary:
Making sure to pencil in some "me-time" on my schedule today! 📅😏✨
Today, I used a wire I’ve kept in my box of cables since 2011. Please applaud.
Commentary:
Congratulations on achieving cable immortality! 🎉👏 It's like finding the Holy Grail of tech! 🏆🔌
They say half the battle of getting in shape is mental, so I thought about the gym really hard today.
Commentary:
Thinking about the gym so hard, I almost broke a mental sweat! 🧠💪😂
There is no physical evidence to say that today is Tuesday, we all just have to trust that someone kept count since the first one ever.
Commentary:
Looks like we've all just agreed to play along with the world's longest game of "Guess the Day" 🤔📆😂
Welcome to your 50s, you now take supplements to help your memory, but you can’t remember if you took them today.
Commentary:
Looks like I need a supplement to remember my supplements! 🧠💊🤔
Not to brag, but I drove and found a place I was looking for without turning down my music today.
Commentary:
Achievement unlocked: Navigating like a rockstar without muting the jam session! 🎶🚗✨
My toddler asked if we could go to the zoo today, and I said, “I can’t see that happening.” Then she literally left the room and came back with my glasses.
Commentary:
Who needs a GPS when you've got a toddler with 20/20 vision? 😂👓🦁
The bank just called and gave me the biggest compliment, said my balance is outstanding. I really needed that today.
Commentary:
Your bank account is living its best life while mine is on a treadmill and still not going anywhere! 💸😅📉
I hope one day I will sleep before midnight like normal humans do. Every day I sleep tomorrow, even yesterday I slept today.
Commentary:
I'm starting to think my sleep schedule is trying to time travel without me! ⏰🚀😴