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Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient.

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That odd feeling when your lunch break is over and you still have to work for another 30 years.

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I have now learned the moonwalk. It’s visually the coolest way to get fresh dog poop off the soles of your shoes.

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If you know karate, you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

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The more you embrace your crazy side, the more fun life becomes.

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Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.

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Having Twitter is just like reading the newspaper, except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you.

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Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

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Attempted to exercise this morning. Didn’t work out.

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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.