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101 Funny personal quotes

I wish my life could have a stats screen but for things I care about. Like how many English Muffins with peanut butter I’ve eaten.

2 weeks ago

Deodorant? No, I never need to buy any. People just give it to me. Complete strangers sometimes.

1 month ago

People delete their social media and start acting like they got a master’s degree in maturity.

1 month ago

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

1 month ago

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel.

1 month ago

Passwords are like underwear: You shouldn’t leave them out where people can see them, you should change them regularly, and you shouldn’t loan them out to strangers.

1 month ago

I deal with my personal problems the same way I study for tests, I don’t.

1 month ago

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is completely stupid.

1 month ago

It’s so peaceful when you have no interest in other people’s business.

1 month ago

I don’t care what other people think of me, at least mosquitoes find me attractive.

2 months ago

All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.

2 months ago

Due to personal reasons, I’ll be turning you into a poem.

2 months ago

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become your problem.

2 months ago

Due to personal reasons, I’ll be using humor to hide pain.

2 months ago

Sex is cool but have you ever had your bed all to yourself.

2 months ago

Why do people think it’s ok to ask why a person is single? I don’t ask why you’re unhappily married.

3 months ago

When people are telling me a story about their life it often reminds me of a much better story from my life.

3 months ago

Nobody is meaner to me than me. So take your shot.

3 months ago

Don’t listen to any thoughts about yourself if your hair isn’t washed. It’s just not true.

3 months ago

Showers are the best places to lose arguments with yourself.

3 months ago