Gosh, being a princess is exhausting.

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This post is invisible, and only heathens can see it.

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My New Year’s resolution will be to stop chasing waterfalls, and stick to the rivers and the lakes that I’m used to.

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I asked myself if I was toxic and we said no.

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I ghost family members too, so believe me, bro — it’s not personal.

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Sorry I missed your call, I was staring in horror at the screen, wondering why on earth you couldn’t just text me.

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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

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If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

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Flying bugs can basically go anywhere they want, but still choose to fly right into your face.

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I’m glad I have boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me.

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Kids be like: “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it.”