459 funny family quotes - Page 7 - Wordgag ツ

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom, why do you always buy Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

Jan 28, 2026

My dad once sneezed so hard that he set every clock back two hours.

Jan 28, 2026

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

Jan 28, 2026

As a child, all I wanted was as to be a time traveller, like my grandson and his grandson before him.

Jan 23, 2026

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dog listens.

Jan 23, 2026

Rule #1 for family reunions: Always bring your own car so you can take off whenever you want.

Jan 23, 2026

Hug your children as often as you can. They can’t break things during this time.

Jan 23, 2026

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes, I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

Jan 23, 2026

If my son ever came out as gay, I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice.

Jan 23, 2026

Divorce is so weird. Why do I have an ex-aunt?

Jan 23, 2026

If you have children, you can experience all human emotions before 9 a.m. on Sundays.

Jan 23, 2026

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

Jan 23, 2026

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

Jan 23, 2026

I already know how it will end. One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

Jan 23, 2026

If you like constant interruptions when you’re trying to get something done, then parenting might be for you.

Jan 23, 2026

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving, I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

Jan 23, 2026

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

Jan 23, 2026

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma, I’m not gonna fight with you.

Jan 23, 2026

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

Jan 23, 2026

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

Jan 23, 2026

Having a daughter is like having a little broke best friend who thinks you’re rich.

Jan 23, 2026

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings? Mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo.

Jan 23, 2026

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed.

Jan 23, 2026

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this family party started.

Jan 23, 2026

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

Jan 23, 2026

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right, bro, I should just annihilate this family of four.

Jan 23, 2026

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

Jan 23, 2026

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like.

Jan 23, 2026

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like “please don’t vacuum your sister”

Jan 23, 2026

Shoulda named my daughter Calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

Jan 23, 2026

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

Jan 23, 2026

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was. He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

Jan 23, 2026

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

Jan 23, 2026

Changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded.

Jan 23, 2026

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Jan 23, 2026

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our kids.

Jan 23, 2026

It’s only 9am and I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

Jan 22, 2026

Let’s take a family trip in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, trips, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

Jan 22, 2026

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

Jan 22, 2026

The role I play at family gatherings is that of the cousin that doesn’t show up anymore.

Jan 22, 2026