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Wife asked if I could stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe…

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Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

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I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

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Google Maps should not count towards my screen time. I’m not addicted to my phone, I’m disoriented.

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A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

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A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head: 1. Wait until they’ve hit their head. 2. Say “Ooh, mind your head!”

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I’m blunt because the universe rolled me that way.

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If I sing “Hello” and you think of “Lionel Richie” and not “Adele,” then you can probably predict the weather with one of your knees.

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Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

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In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place wieners and/or cheese slices in your pockets, so the search dogs will find you first.