459 funny family quotes - Page 8 - Wordgag

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma, I’m not gonna fight with you.

May 23, 2026

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

May 23, 2026

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

May 23, 2026

Having a daughter is like having a little broke best friend who thinks you’re rich.

May 23, 2026

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings? Mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo.

May 23, 2026

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed.

May 23, 2026

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this family party started.

May 23, 2026

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

May 23, 2026

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right, bro, I should just annihilate this family of four.

May 23, 2026

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

May 23, 2026

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like.

May 23, 2026

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like “please don’t vacuum your sister”

May 23, 2026

Shoulda named my daughter Calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

May 23, 2026

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

May 23, 2026

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was. He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

May 23, 2026

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

May 23, 2026

Changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded.

May 23, 2026

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

May 23, 2026

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our kids.

May 23, 2026

It’s only 9am and I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

May 23, 2026

Let’s take a family trip in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, trips, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

May 23, 2026

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

May 23, 2026

The role I play at family gatherings is that of the cousin that doesn’t show up anymore.

May 23, 2026

I always thought that aunts had a lot of money. Until I became one myself.

May 23, 2026

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas! Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

May 23, 2026

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

May 23, 2026

Welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

May 22, 2026

My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

May 22, 2026

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

May 22, 2026

When I was a kid, there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

May 22, 2026

There is no bigger lie than “fun for the whole family”.

May 22, 2026

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with.

May 22, 2026

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant.

May 22, 2026

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

May 22, 2026

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

May 22, 2026

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

May 22, 2026

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

May 22, 2026

I want my house spotless, but kicking my kids out seems wrong.

May 22, 2026

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids.

May 22, 2026

I come from a family of failed magicians. I have two half sisters.

May 22, 2026