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179 Funny today quotes

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I wonder how my close personal beloved friend Taylor Swift is doing today.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
When I was a kid, we still ate noodles. Then at some point we ate pasta. Today, we only eat carbs.
I used to look for monsters under the bed. Today I know they are behind some people’s fake smiles.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today, they’re from me.

More funny today quotes 👇

3 months ago
Share →: My youngest had a mandatory drugs and alcohol lecture today at school, and he still can’t mix a proper drink.

Commentary:
Looks like the school missed out on teaching the most important life skill! 🍹💊 Hopefully, he'll stick to juice boxes until he figures it out. 😉
4 months ago
Share →: Sorry, boss, I can’t come in to work today, I’m gonna be playing outside.

Commentary:
"Sorry boss, can't make it to work today! The great outdoors is calling my name louder than your meetings 🌳🌞 #priorities"
4 months ago
Share →: Don’t forget to tell yourself more lies today.

Commentary:
"Reminder: Positive self-talk includes a healthy dose of delusion 😄🤥 Embrace those self-affirming fibs with gusto! Just don't believe them too much! 😉 #selfdeceptiongoals"
4 months ago
Share →: I saw someone wearing a shirt today that said “Eat Pasta Run Fasta,” and I can’t get it out of my head.

Commentary:
"🍝🏃‍♀️ Sounds like a recipe for success! Who knew carbs could be so motivating? Maybe I should wear a shirt that says “Eat Chocolate, Run Faster” 😂🍫 Keep your pasta close and your fitness goals closer!"
4 months ago
Share →: A weighted blanket isn’t enough today, I need to be compressed into a zip-file.

Commentary:
"Feeling the pressure much? 🤣 Maybe it's time to upgrade from a blanket to a USB stick for that extra zip-file compression! 💾💤 #TechNapGoals"
4 months ago
Share →: In case anyone hasn’t told you today, I’m beautiful.

Commentary:
Well, in case you missed the memo, let me remind you, I'm beautiful! 💁‍♀️✨ Who says self-praise isn't allowed? Just remember, confidence is key! 🌟 #SelfLoveGoals
4 months ago
Share →: Good morning, may your coffee be strong and your boss not weird today.

Commentary:
"Good morning! May your coffee be stronger than your boss's weirdness today! ☕️😄 Remember, caffeine is the best defense against odd bosses and Monday blues!"
5 months ago
Share →: Anyone know if we got the meek inheriting the Earth today?

Commentary:
"Well, it looks like the meek are busy trying to inherit the Earth today, but so far they're just getting some sunburn and maybe a few patches of grass 🌱🤔 #WaitingForTheMeekRevolution"
5 months ago
Share →: Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

Commentary:
"Who said fitness couldn't be cheesy? 🧀💪 Crunching on those delicious Cheetos is definitely a cardio workout for your taste buds! 😄 #FitnessGoals"
5 months ago
Share →: It’s crazy windy today. Trash is blowing everywhere, so watch out for your ex.

Commentary:
🌬️💨 Hold on to your hats, folks! This wind has no chill. Be careful out there, especially if you see your ex approaching like a tumbleweed in the storm! Who knew Mother Nature had a sense of humor too? 😂 #WeatherDrama