Wordgag ツ

10,000+ funny quotes

159 Funny today quotes

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

3 months ago

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

3 months ago

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today!”

3 months ago

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

3 months ago

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today, they’re from me.

3 months ago

Warning: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

3 months ago

I bought some coconut shampoo today. I got halfway home before I thought, “I don’t even have a coconut!”

3 months ago

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

3 months ago

Good news: I set an all time high today! Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

3 months ago

I now also have a device that tells me whether I’ve taken enough steps today. If I don’t make it one day, it barks and poops in my apartment.

3 months ago

Did I eat too much candy today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

3 months ago

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels.

3 months ago

It was so hot today, I thought I was going to be cremated.

3 months ago

My son got braces today. Yay, he’s not going to be a teenage dad.

3 months ago

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today, I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

3 months ago

Today is a wonderful day to leave me alone.

3 months ago

Went to the hairdresser today and now I look much younger. I’m thinking about going back tomorrow.

3 months ago

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

3 months ago

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count.

3 months ago

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

3 months ago