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Someone from 🇲🇪 has bookmarked:

Have you fallen in love with me yet, or do I need to post more nonsense?

Someone from 🇹🇷 has downloaded:

I wish I loved exercising as much as I love not exercising.

Someone from 🇸🇮 has copied:

Always funny to see motivational posts from people I know are toxic in real life.

Someone from 🇲🇱 has shared:

Girls don’t actually shop. We just walk round touching the clothes saying ‘this is cute’.

Someone from 🇷🇸 has shared:

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

Someone from 🇧🇿 has bookmarked:

If it turns cold one more time, I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up.

Someone from 🇺🇬 has downloaded:

Just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about donuts.

Someone from 🇸🇱 has viewed:

Black Friday used to have heart. I wanna see someone get clocked for a Wii.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has viewed:

Karma not moving fast enough for me. I would hate to handle it myself, Lord.

Someone from 🇬🇶 has viewed:

The best part of the relationship is before you meet them, and you’re single.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

2386 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

12,548

Funny Quotes Topics

15,227

Funny Quotes Images

12,548

Updated

24 minutes ago

Users Online

3,465

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Telegram:

Let’s see how long my Monday slump lasts this time. Last week it was until Friday.

Just shared via Snapchat:

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job.

Going viral on Threads:

The Gen Z stare. The millennial pause. Instead, let’s talk about the boomer inappropriate personal question.

Reported on Instagram:

I’m not being mean. I’m just too old to pretend to like you.

Going viral on Slack:

NFTs were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Just landed via Threads:

Guys with grey in their beards will do that thing you like.

Spreading quickly via Discord:

It’s Monday again and I’m about to make it everyone’s problem.

Going viral on Telegram:

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

Just landed via X:

The way men eat when they’re single is nothing short of dehumanizing.

Making waves on Slack:

I need to get my shit together, but at this point, I’m waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort in.

Home » Funny Today Quotes » Page 5

227 Funny today quotes

More funny today quotes 👇

4 weeks ago
Share →: I’m looking forward to tomorrow. It’ll be much like today, but different enough to confuse me.

Commentary:
"Every day is a new puzzle piece, and I still haven't found the edge pieces! 🧩😅✨"
4 weeks ago
Share →: If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.

Commentary:
"When the printer jams again: 🤫🔮 'The prophecy has been fulfilled,' and exit stage left! 👋😂"
4 weeks ago
Share →: I accidentally used my dog’s shampoo today, and now I’m feeling like such a good girl.

Commentary:
"Guess I'm officially top dog in the shampoo department! 🐶✨ #FurRealFeeling"
4 weeks ago
Share →: No, it’s totally fine, Grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today.

Commentary:
"Grandma's stair takeover: making sure leg day is canceled for everyone else! 🦵🚫😂"
1 month ago
Share →: If every day is a gift, today is socks.

Commentary:
"Socks today? Well, at least it's not another fruitcake! 🎁🧦😂"
1 month ago
Share →: I told a joke during a Zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Commentary:
"When your jokes are so remote, they require a Wi-Fi booster! 🤣📶 #NotEvenRemotelyWitty"
1 month ago
Share →: I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

Commentary:
"Ah yes, the classic 'air with a side of chips' combo! 🍟💨 #InnovativePackaging"
1 month ago
Share →: Don’t think my brain is braining properly today.

Commentary:
"Looks like my brain is running on low power mode! 🤖🧠🔋"
1 month ago
Share →: Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will be acting weird today.

Commentary:
"Why limit it to today? I'm embracing 'unforeseen circumstances' as a lifestyle! 😜🤪"
1 month ago
Share →: Gonna spend today following my cats into the kitchen and meowing at them until they give me treats.

Commentary:
"Finally mastering the art of reverse psychology—cat edition! 😹🐾🍣"

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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

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Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇮 has copied:

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently, I’ve got too many windows open.

Someone from 🇸🇮 has shared:

The only narcissist I allow in my life is my cat.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has shared:

My running speed is very slow because the Discman wasn’t allowed to shake in the past.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has bookmarked:

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic, now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

Someone from 🇰🇿 has shared:

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache, so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

Someone from 🇵🇭 has downloaded:

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has downloaded:

You know you’re getting old when you and the grocery store have the same playlist.

Someone from 🇮🇳 has bookmarked:

Another fine day ruined by waking up.

Someone from 🇭🇹 has bookmarked:

Forgetting your phone at home is the modern equivalent of leaving your sword behind in medieval times.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has viewed:

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

Social Media Log 💫

Spreading quickly via Facebook:

Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you’re getting a dictionary.

Freshly posted on Discord:

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

Going viral on Facebook:

I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.

Just landed via Telegram:

People tell me to just be myself like that would be a good thing.

Live now on Discord:

No place in this world is as dark as my archived chats on WhatsApp.

Just landed via WeChat:

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

Seen just now on YouTube:

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever.

Just shared via X:

How can you not appreciate a drunk text? Someone is absolutely off their face and still thinking of you.

Trending via Snapchat:

When life gives you lemons, give them back and ask what the crap is all about.

Going viral on Instagram:

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

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Activity Log ✨

227 Funny today quotes

More funny today quotes 👇

For even more funny today quotes, check out the next page, if available 👇

All funny today quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

If my toddler doesn’t sleep again tonight, I’m running away into the forest.

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

I said it was my favorite show, I didn’t say it was good.

They should invent health insurance that insures your health.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Appliances always know when you’re getting a tax refund.

One day you’re hip and cool, and then out of nowhere you say things like hip and cool.

My boss told me “It’s not rocket science.” Yeah, almost everything that exists is not rocket science.

I am like the weather. Temporarily friendly.

I’ve disappointed better people.

Trending Topics 📁

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Unfortunately, you have to almost worship the ground I walk on for me to believe you’re into me.

I am convinced that at least half of you are bots.

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Livin’ la vida vodka!

I hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and I have to find something new to complain about.

Do I need to have seen the Tokyo Olympics in order to understand the Paris ones?

Getting out of a sports bra looks like it should be a professional women’s sport.

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

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