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Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New funny quotes: 39 this month

15,792 funny quotes and pics

17,796 funny quotes topics

Updated: Mar 9, 2026

 

 

285 Funny today quotes

Funny today quotes are perfect for those moments when you realize that “today” is just full of unexpected hilarity! 😅📅 Whether it’s the everyday struggles that become laughable or the little surprises that make your day, these quotes remind us that each day is a chance to find humor in the chaos. Here’s to making today as funny as possible! 😂🎉⏳

Today, I changed a light bulb and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

Posted onJan 22, 2026

Donating blood today to make room for more food.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

If you’re out shopping today, be nice to retail workers. It’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars. Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

Posted onJan 22, 2026

One year older today, and still no closer to growing up.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work.“

Posted onJan 22, 2026

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

Just gonna drink light beers today, because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 30 times.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today!”

Posted onJan 22, 2026

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

Posted onJan 22, 2026

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today, they’re from me.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

Warning: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

I bought some coconut shampoo today. I got halfway home before I thought, “I don’t even have a coconut!”

Posted onJan 22, 2026

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

Posted onJan 22, 2026

Good news: I set an all time high today! Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

I now also have a device that tells me whether I’ve taken enough steps today. If I don’t make it one day, it barks and poops in my apartment.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

Did I eat too much candy today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

It was so hot today, I thought I was going to be cremated.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

My son got braces today. Yay, he’s not going to be a teenage dad.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today, I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

Today is a wonderful day to leave me alone.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

Went to the hairdresser today and now I look much younger. I’m thinking about going back tomorrow.

Posted onJan 22, 2026

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

Posted onJan 21, 2026

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count.

Posted onJan 21, 2026

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

Posted onJan 21, 2026

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

Posted onJan 21, 2026

We used to have “spring, summer, fall, winter”. Today we have “drama, drama, drama, drama”.

Posted onJan 21, 2026

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

Posted onJan 21, 2026

Gonna get my eye looked at today. Usually it’s the other way around.

Posted onJan 21, 2026

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

Posted onJan 21, 2026

Today sucked so bad, I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

Posted onJan 21, 2026

Whenever I lose my faith in justice, I look at the high school beauties from back then today. Then I’m fine again.

Posted onJan 21, 2026

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a sabbatical was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

Posted onJan 21, 2026

I’m already excited about who I’m going to think sucks first today.

Posted onJan 21, 2026

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