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Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New funny quotes: 6 this month

15,831 funny quotes and pics

17,824 funny quotes topics

Updated: Jun 2, 2026

 

 

 

 

 

285 Funny today quotes

Funny today quotes are perfect for those moments when you realize that “today” is just full of unexpected hilarity! 😅📅 Whether it’s the everyday struggles that become laughable or the little surprises that make your day, these quotes remind us that each day is a chance to find humor in the chaos. Here’s to making today as funny as possible! 😂🎉⏳

I’m super lazy today. It’s like normal lazy but I’m wearing a cape.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

I’m not feeling very worky today.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

Today I started gardening. I planted myself in front of the TV and I sat there the entire day.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today and nextday!

Posted onMay 25, 2026

I’m so tired. Let’s see all of the horrible things happening in the world today before I try to sleep peacefully.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

My youngest had a mandatory drugs and alcohol lecture today at school, and he still can’t mix a proper drink.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

Sorry, boss, I can’t come in to work today, I’m gonna be playing outside.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

Don’t forget to tell yourself more lies today.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

I saw someone wearing a shirt today that said “Eat Pasta Run Fasta,” and I can’t get it out of my head.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

A weighted blanket isn’t enough today, I need to be compressed into a zip-file.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

In case anyone hasn’t told you today, I’m beautiful.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

Good morning, may your coffee be strong and your boss not weird today.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

Anyone know if we got the meek inheriting the Earth today?

Posted onMay 25, 2026

Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

It’s crazy windy today. Trash is blowing everywhere, so watch out for your ex.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Be nice today, the world is on fire.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Okay, that’s enough todaying for today.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

One day I will start learning from my mistakes. Today is not that day. Tomorrow isn’t looking so good either.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

January 1st: anything is possible. January 2nd: but not today.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Mr. Mixed Signals decided he likes me today.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Coffee ain’t gonna cut it today. I need the blood of my enemies.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

When I was a kid, we still ate noodles. Then at some point we ate pasta. Today, we only eat carbs.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Don’t forget to whine and complain about Monday today.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Sorry, I can’t today, I have to rot in bed and squander my potential.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Thursday is really unnecessary. Today could’ve been Friday.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

I’ve got the longest to-do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Don’t forget to overestimate your importance today.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

A frightening number of young people alive today don’t know about Knight Rider.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Today, I’m going to give it my almost.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Life is so funny because you think you look good today and a year later you look even better.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

I had a heated but interesting discussion today and they even agreed with me at the end. That’s exactly why I love talking to myself.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

Not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergusting right now.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

Tomorrow isn’t promised, so eat that cake today.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

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