285 funny today quotes - Page 4 - Wordgag

This is your sign to cancel all work meetings today.

May 18, 2026

I have been touched inappropriately by the sun today.

May 18, 2026

Wow, you did such a great job clicking in your little spreadsheets today. Super proud of you.

May 18, 2026

Buying something nice for myself, cuz today would’ve been my birthday if I was born today.

May 18, 2026

Trying to squeeze in more nothingness today, but my schedule is already packed with procrastination!

May 18, 2026

Asking the cashier how I’m doing today.

May 6, 2026

And today, just like every day, I learned something new . . . but I’m old, so I forgot what it was already.

Apr 1, 2026

I woke up extra early today to get in as much ‘worrying about it being Monday tomorrow’ as possible.

Apr 1, 2026

People in 1999 were using the Internet as an escape from reality. People today are using reality as an escape from the Internet.

Apr 1, 2026

Are you gonna call me beautiful today, or do I need to go to the gas station?

Apr 1, 2026

It’s so embarrassing when attention seekers feel the need to tell everybody it’s their birthday in, like, every conversation, which, for me, would be today, by the way.

Apr 1, 2026

My boss denied me a raise before my shift today. What’s some music you have never wanted to hear in a coffee shop?

Apr 1, 2026

If you’re having a good day today, don’t play Wordle.

Apr 1, 2026

Once your parents move from “What time are you coming back” to “Are you coming back today,” you have won the war.

Apr 1, 2026

Hiking in your 40s is a great way to meet new people. Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist, and nearly met Jesus.

Apr 1, 2026

Not to brag, but my children already knew everything I told them today.

Apr 1, 2026

The quality of clothing at retail stores today is quite literally the quality that Halloween costumes used to be.

Apr 1, 2026

Think that’s enough todaying for today.

Apr 1, 2026

Male barista called me “my love” yesterday and didn’t say it today… getting mixed signals and feeling really upset.

Apr 1, 2026

For all those wondering, yes, I am retired. I was tired yesterday, and I am tired again today.

Apr 1, 2026

Super excited to not contribute anything worthwhile today.

Apr 1, 2026

Amazon cart: Order now and it will arrive today. Amazon confirmation email: LOL, just kidding, it’ll be a week from tomorrow.

Apr 1, 2026

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve barely tweeted your manic thoughts today.

Apr 1, 2026

Sorry, boss, I can’t come into work today. I’m trying to capture the childlike joy of December.

Apr 1, 2026

If you send a man to war today, he’s gonna go there and take dark exposure aesthetic pics.

Apr 1, 2026

Sex is great, but have you ever had your alarm go off and then realize you don’t have to get up today?

Apr 1, 2026

Don’t forget to have an orgasm today. Partner is optional. Pleasure is not.

Apr 1, 2026

Today, I used a wire I’ve kept in my box of cables since 2011. Please applaud.

Apr 1, 2026

They say half the battle of getting in shape is mental, so I thought about the gym really hard today.

Mar 31, 2026

There is no physical evidence to say that today is Tuesday, we all just have to trust that someone kept count since the first one ever.

Mar 31, 2026

Welcome to your 50s, you now take supplements to help your memory, but you can’t remember if you took them today.

Mar 31, 2026

Not to brag, but I drove and found a place I was looking for without turning down my music today.

Mar 31, 2026

My toddler asked if we could go to the zoo today, and I said, “I can’t see that happening.” Then she literally left the room and came back with my glasses.

Mar 31, 2026

The bank just called and gave me the biggest compliment, said my balance is outstanding. I really needed that today.

Mar 31, 2026

I hope one day I will sleep before midnight like normal humans do. Every day I sleep tomorrow, even yesterday I slept today.

Mar 31, 2026

Hotel elevators are hell for those of us who are small-talk failures. The guy asked me, “You just get in today too?” and I said, “Well, no,” then stood in silence.

Mar 31, 2026

Ruined a Ferrari guy’s day today by telling him that I loved his Corvette.

Mar 31, 2026

Took control of my life today and canceled my AOL subscription.

Mar 31, 2026

I look so pretty today. I should go for a walk and let the people enjoy this.

Mar 31, 2026

In terms of wasting time, today was very productive.

Mar 31, 2026