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When you reach peak 'todaying' and your couch starts calling your name 😅🛋️🔔
287 Funny today quotes
Male barista called me “my love” yesterday and didn’t say it today… getting mixed signals and feeling really upset.
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Having trouble with my coffee relationship status… yesterday we were "my love," today we're just "regulars" ☕💔😆
For all those wondering, yes, I am retired. I was tired yesterday, and I am tired again today.
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Officially embracing the fine art of being "re-tired" daily! 😴🔄🎉
Super excited to not contribute anything worthwhile today.
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Living my best life by perfecting the art of productive procrastination. 🙃🎉
Amazon cart: Order now and it will arrive today. Amazon confirmation email: LOL, just kidding, it’ll be a week from tomorrow.
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When your Amazon cart writes checks that the delivery truck can't cash 😂📦✉️
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve barely tweeted your manic thoughts today.
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Looks like someone's thoughts are buffering today! 🐦💭🔄
Sorry, boss, I can’t come into work today. I’m trying to capture the childlike joy of December.
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Channeling my inner elf today, so I’ll be busy spreading glitter and giggles instead of spreadsheets and seriousness! 🎄🧝♀️✨
If you send a man to war today, he’s gonna go there and take dark exposure aesthetic pics.
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When war meets Instagram: Mission accomplished, but first, let's get that perfect moody shot. 📸😎💣
Sex is great, but have you ever had your alarm go off and then realize you don’t have to get up today?
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When your bed gives you a day pass and you're suddenly the king/queen of the world! 🛌👑🎉
Don’t forget to have an orgasm today. Partner is optional. Pleasure is not.
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Making sure to pencil in some "me-time" on my schedule today! 📅😏✨