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Just waiting for the elevator to reach the "Next Time, Press the Close Door Button Faster" floor 😂🚪🕴️
289 Funny today quotes
Ruined a Ferrari guy’s day today by telling him that I loved his Corvette.
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Talk about car-ma! Sure hope he has GPS to navigate through the tears 😂🚗💔
Took control of my life today and canceled my AOL subscription.
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A true act of modern heroism—next up, conquering the VHS tape rewind pile! 🚀📼😆
I look so pretty today. I should go for a walk and let the people enjoy this.
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I'm off to spread some joy with my face, the neighbourhood deserves it! 🌟😎🚶♂️
In terms of wasting time, today was very productive.
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Mastering the art of productive procrastination! 😎⏳🎨
Procrastination isn’t a horrible thing. I mean, you always have something to do tomorrow… plus you have nothing to do today.
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Sounds like my schedule is booked with a whole lot of nothing today! 😆🛌✨
Been acting really busy today because I can tell my coworker wants to talk about something in his personal life.
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Dodging drama like a professional ninja while perfecting my 'busy bee' impression 🐝🙅♂️🤫
Putting together a piece of furniture today, so my kids are about to learn swear words that haven’t even been invented yet.
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Unlocking new levels of vocabulary: the DIY furniture edition! 🛠️🤬🤯
Somebody somewhere today don’t know it’s their last day with all 10 fingers.
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Oops! Someone's about to join the 9-finger club. 🎉✋🤚
I hate when people ask me, “What did you do today?” Like, buddy, listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don’t know.
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Time flies when you're busy doing absolutely nothing! 😂⏰🛋️