285 funny today quotes - Page 6 - Wordgag ツ

Today I couldn’t find a parking space at work, so I drove back home. Looks like they have enough people there.

Jan 21, 2026

Back then, my parents were afraid of what I would do on the Internet. Today, I’m afraid of what my parents do on the Internet.

Jan 21, 2026

I used to look for monsters under the bed. Today I know they are behind some people’s fake smiles.

Jan 21, 2026

I visited my doctor today. He told me my sugar was too high. So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.

Jan 21, 2026

If I had today’s mind, I wouldn’t have made yesterday’s mistake. But if I hadn’t made yesterday’s mistake, I wouldn’t have today’s mind.

Jan 21, 2026

I’m not saying I need glasses. But today I watched a bunny in a meadow until it flew away.

Jan 21, 2026

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today.

Jan 21, 2026

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

Jan 21, 2026

Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

Jan 21, 2026

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

Jan 21, 2026

I have so much planned today that I was already tired thinking of it yesterday.

Jan 21, 2026

I am so incredibly tired today. I think my shelf life has expired.

Jan 21, 2026

Done with work today. The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it.

Jan 21, 2026

I’m basically a taxi today for the kids and dogs.

Jan 21, 2026

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

Jan 21, 2026

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today.

Jan 21, 2026

If you did the weekend right, your coffee needs coffee today.

Jan 21, 2026

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay, we’re out of time today”, just like a therapist.

Jan 21, 2026

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single.

Jan 21, 2026

I tried to scream into the abyss today but got a busy signal.

Jan 21, 2026

In case no one told you today. I’m beautiful.

Jan 21, 2026

And for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Jan 20, 2026

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead.

Jan 20, 2026

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

Jan 20, 2026

Accidentally used my real personality at work today… heading to HR now.

Jan 20, 2026

My youngest started kindergarten today and I cried, but mostly for his teachers.

Jan 20, 2026

Don’t rush me, I’m still deciding whether I’ll be productive or not today!

Jan 20, 2026

My brain says “Let’s do something exciting today” but my body says “Don’t listen to that fool.”

Jan 20, 2026

I had big plans to sleep in today, but my bladder canceled.

Jan 20, 2026

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

Jan 20, 2026

Sorry I can’t come today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandpa’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and it was tragic.

Jan 20, 2026

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

Jan 20, 2026

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Jan 20, 2026

Today is one of those days that even my coffee needs a coffee.

Jan 20, 2026

Today I told my daughter she’s giving me a headache! She told me “For suggestions and complaints, contact the manufacturer.”

Jan 20, 2026

Listen, before I had my coffee I didn’t know how awesome I was going to be today either.

Jan 20, 2026

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed and cleaned everything thoroughly. Today I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

Jan 20, 2026

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

Jan 20, 2026

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life.

Jan 20, 2026

I can be social. Today I meowed at my cat and he meowed back.

Jan 20, 2026