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159 Funny today quotes

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

3 months ago

We used to have “spring, summer, fall, winter”. Today we have “drama, drama, drama, drama”.

3 months ago

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

3 months ago

Gonna get my eye looked at today. Usually it’s the other way around.

3 months ago

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

3 months ago

Today sucked so bad, I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

3 months ago

Whenever I lose my faith in justice, I look at the high school beauties from back then today. Then I’m fine again.

3 months ago

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a sabbatical was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

3 months ago

I’m already excited about who I’m going to think sucks first today.

3 months ago

Today I couldn’t find a parking space at work, so I drove back home. Looks like they have enough people there.

3 months ago

Back then, my parents were afraid of what I would do on the Internet. Today, I’m afraid of what my parents do on the Internet.

3 months ago

I used to look for monsters under the bed. Today I know they are behind some people’s fake smiles.

3 months ago

I visited my doctor today. He told me my sugar was too high. So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.

3 months ago

If I had today’s mind, I wouldn’t have made yesterday’s mistake. But if I hadn’t made yesterday’s mistake, I wouldn’t have today’s mind.

3 months ago

I’m not saying I need glasses. But today I watched a bunny in a meadow until it flew away.

3 months ago

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today.

3 months ago

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

3 months ago

Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

3 months ago

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

3 months ago

I have so much planned today that I was already tired thinking of it yesterday.

3 months ago