I’m attracted to people that no one pays attention to.

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I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

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That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

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Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.

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All the fruit flies are well-behaved near the garbage, only one is constantly nagging somewhere else because it thinks it has to discover new lands.

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Crossing my fingers one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

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Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you.

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Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time.

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Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French. They obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct.

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I’m at the age where living in the woods and arguing with a raccoon sounds like a peaceful retirement plan.

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When it rains in New York, the train starts smelling like hamster.